DEAR MISS MANNERS: We members of the military would be honored if you could address military funeral etiquette for Veterans Day.

For those do not know: It is not necessary for you to stand to receive the U.S. flag. We expect that you are in distress with the loss of your family member.

We are saluting our fellow service member for the last time after we give you the ?ag. We do not expect you to return our salute.

We may be silent when you thank us. We are being silent as our fellow service member is now forever silent. Do not think we are rude for our silence; it is out of respect to our fellow service member.

We are not at the graveside of a fellow service member for you to thank us. It is a duty to serve this country that we have accepted. Just as your loved one did at sometime during their lifetime.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, Miss Manners is grateful to be of help in this small way. She only adds that she is sure that your understanding of the emotional state of the bereaved means that you would not take amiss any such spontaneous, although unnecessary, gestures of gratitude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to ask someone why they have prosthetic limbs?

GENTLE READER: As that person's new doctor, you can ask outright. If Miss Manners is mistaken and you are not that person's doctor, you have no business asking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My co-workers and I have been having a debate over this incident: Our co-worker Jake brought in a delicious cake made by his wife to celebrate the birthday of another co-worker. It is customary in our of?ce for the person whose birthday was most recent to bring in the cake for the next birthday.

Generally, not all the cake is eaten, and the rest will be eaten as leftovers in the coming days. However, this time, when the next day came, the leftover cake was gone.

Upon asking around, we learned that Jake had taken the remaining cake home with him. He felt as though this was appropriate and allowable since he is the one who brought it; but many co-workers felt as though once you bring cake to a party, the cake is no longer "yours."

Can you please help settle this hotly contested etiquette debate?

Let us also note that the dish needed to be washed, and only three pieces of cake remained at the conclusion of the day when everyone had left.

GENTLE READER: What sort of work are you folks supposed to be doing? Is ?ghting over the crumbs a productive use of your time?

Or Miss Manners' time, for that matter, however little else she still has to do toward saving the world for civilization.

But perhaps she could save Jake.

His wife baked the cake and could have made another to eat at home, so let us presume it was not gluttony that motivated him. But she told him to bring back the dish.

In any case, people who celebrate one another's birthdays ought to be on warm enough terms to cut such friends a bit of slack. If not, you can all still get back to work.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are football fans, but we do not watch the Thanksgiving football games, choosing instead to talk with all of the family members gathered for the holiday.

My aunt and uncle who live nearby feel that watching football is part of the tradition. Last Thanksgiving, while I was getting ready to set the meal on the table, they sent my mother in to ask if they could turn on the game. (None of the other guests asked.)

I said that I would rather not, since we had family we had not seen in over a year who had traveled a great distance to be here, and I wanted to talk with them without the television. Also, I have a toddler whom I do not allow to watch television.

We have a small house and only one television (which is in the living room, where we would be eating. It is the only room large enough to accommodate large family gatherings.) If we had another room where they could have watched without disturbing the rest of us, I would have said yes.

I could see that my aunt and uncle were clearly annoyed and anxious, to the point where they began asking my mom in our native language (I guess forgetting that I also understand it) if they could go over to her house to watch the game. This upset my husband and me greatly.

This year, I hoped that my aunt would host Thanksgiving. First, I thought it would only be fair, since I hosted last year. Second, she and my uncle could have the television on all day and I would not say a word. (It is their house, after all.) However, my aunt asked me to host again, saying that she cannot host this year.

I really do not want to have the same problem this year, especially since my uncle angered my husband and me earlier this year when he called our decision to not let our toddler watch television "idiotic" and "nonsense." This whole TV issue is becoming a charged one, and I don't want it to interfere with this holiday.

What should I do? Just turn the television on (to satisfy them but annoy my husband and myself)? Do what I did last year and accept the consequences? I hope that you can provide a third, more peaceful, option.

GENTLE READER: That would be issuing fair warning. "Auntie, dear," Miss Manners suggests that you say, "you are good to put up with our prejudices about television. I know you don't share them, but if you are willing to come to us anyway, we are delighted to have you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Someone who constantly buts in "I know" when you're having a discussion on just about any topic.

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners were to ?nish your sentence, she would say "... should be paired with someone who has the conversational quirk of repeatedly saying, "You know."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife has been getting more active with our ?rst-grade son's PTO. At a committee meeting at a member's house, the woman hosting the event, in making idle chit-chat, asked my wife how many kids we have.

Three, she answers, giving the ages: 13, 6, and 2. (We're both 37, so admittedly, we were young when our oldest daughter was born.)

The woman, a well-heeled stay-at-home mother in our slightly bohemian neighborhood, pauses and then says, "May I ask a personal question? Are all three by the same man?"

Uh, yeah...

My wife relayed the story to me when she got home. At ?rst we we're both slightly amused, but as we've chewed on it for a day or so, we couldn't help but be deeply offended by the question, no matter what the motivation for asking it may have been.

How do we let her know that we thought the question was rude without acting like confrontational jerks?

GENTLE READER: It is a bit late now for a comeback, Miss Manners is afraid. Any protest would indicate that you did not ?nd the question so outrageously rude as to be ridiculous, and the offender could say that she meant that perhaps there had been an earlier marriage.

At the time, however, Miss Manners would have been tempted to look at her wide-eyed and said: "I don't know. How can one tell?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a proper length of time to stay or a proper way to exit as the guest at a small dinner gathering (say, three to eight people)? We've attended seated (one course plus dessert) dinners that have gone on for nearly four hours -- long after dessert is done. We sincerely appreciate the hospitality and are always gracious guests, but are we obligated to stay until the host excuses us?

Also, what about for invites for an early dinner, say, 5 p.m. on a Sunday? At 7:30 p.m., "It's getting late" doesn't seem appropriate, but are we obligated to spend the entire evening?

GENTLE READER: No, and standing up saying, "We've had such a lovely time, thank you for a wonderful evening" works at any hour.

It may help to remember that even the warmest hosts are not insulted if their guests do not stay forever.

Miss Manners must also remind hosts to do their part, not by dismissing their guests, but by getting them away from the table. The custom of having the hostess suggest that the ladies withdraw, ostensibly to leave the gentlemen to their port and ribald jokes, but really to allow the ladies to use the bathroom, was rightly abolished on the grounds of equality. Instead, the hosts must suggest that everyone return to the living room for coffee.

Personally, Miss Manners thinks it would have been more just to allow everyone a chance at the bathroom. At any rate, getting up allows them to down one round of coffee and go home.

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