DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is self-introduction by first name only ever appropriate?

I have noticed that in large party settings where one is apt to meet lots of people whom he can reasonably expect never to encounter again, the self-introduction rituals often omit last names.

GENTLE READER: You mean people still have surnames? It is a long time since Miss Manners heard one without having to ask.

In business, the idea seems to be to cloak identity. You are dealing with someone who will give only the name of Gary, and when you return or call back -- perhaps to complete the transaction, perhaps to complain -- you are asked, "Which Gary? We have several."

Similarly, it is done for protection when strangers are thrown together or meet on purpose to check one another out, in case it may turn out that no further contact is wanted.

So when this is done in a safe social situation, such as you describe, it does seem as if there is an assumption that no thorough introduction is necessary because there is unlikely to be a further relationship. And that is a bit off-putting.

All the same, Miss Manners realizes that the habit of volunteering only one's first name at parties is rarely intended to be snobbish. It is intended to be something sillier -- a sign of eschewing grown-up manners.

But doing so to people whom one might like to know better works against the strange ways of modern society. How can you Google someone whose surname is unknown to you? How can you find that person's Facebook entry?

So one day, surnames will be reinvented. Perhaps then people will derive their surnames from their occupations or characteristics, such as happened some centuries ago when the world began to be filled with Smiths and Strongs.

And Miss Manners will have to become -- Miss Manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were invited to a (sort-of) wedding. I say sort-of because the invitation went something like this:

You are not invited to the actual wedding. You are invited to view a recording of the wedding, which will be held at a certain hour. After viewing the recording of the wedding, you are invited to the reception.

And, since the couple has lived together as man and wife, they have all the household stuff they need. However, you are asked to bring money for the "money tree."

Ha! Did they really think money grew on trees?

Would you, Miss Manners, have even bothered to spend $4 on a congratulatory card, plus what it cost to mail the card? Do you feel I wasted my money, considering the couple's stupid request?

GENTLE READER: Probably. You could have saved a few dollars by using a piece of plain paper to decline the invitation and wish the couple happiness.

Miss Manners would not, however, have begrudged the stamp. A couple who invites you to their -- well, perhaps not to their wedding, but to their wedding reception -- however crudely, deserves a polite reply.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I attended the birthday party for a 7-year-old girl, I was surprised to find that toward the end of the party, the parents did not invite the children to gather 'round and watch Susie open the gifts the boys and girls had brought.

Apparently, the parents did not want to hassle with trying to gather and throw away the paper at the outdoor locale. They felt that wrapped gifts would be easier to transport home.

I asked a colleague about this and she said that, yes, it appears to be a growing trend to not open the gifts at kid parties. She, by the way, has the children attending her son's birthday parties not only witness him opening the thoughtful gifts, but mom has each child sit with her son as he opens their gift. This makes the giver feel special and the photo op helps mom when helping son write thank you notes. I thought this was brilliant.

Anyway -- I was very disturbed by the idea that guests are good enough to bring gifts to said party but are not worth the hassle to let them see the joy in the child's face when she opens that gift. When I give someone a gift, most of the joy in giving is getting to see him/her open it!

Keep in mind that at this party, many of the parents were present the whole time. (Wouldn't you at least do it for their sake since they forked out $20-plus for a gift for your kid?!)

Even though I noticed this affront myself, it really hit me when one of the children at the party asked, "Are we going to open the presents now?!" Guess not.

Do I need to get with the times or is this just rude?

GENTLE READER: Who could resist the charm of the happy birthday child beaming with gratitude, each happy guest beaming with generosity, and the proud mothers beaming at both?

Well, maybe the mother who hears her birthday child, despite all previous instruction, announce sourly, "I already have one of those." Or the child who thus hears that his present was a failure.

Or the visiting mother who, having explained the joy of giving, watches her child tearfully refusing to let go of the present that was supposed to have provided it. And the mother of the child who furiously attempts to tear it away from him.

It is to avoid such rudeness, Miss Manners supposes, that many parents have abandoned the great present-opening ceremony at children's birthday parties.

But to her mind, the great virtue of children's birthday parties is as a laboratory to teach manners. So she might have been inclined to defend the ritual while advising patience and tolerance for lapses in performance.

What has turned her opinion is not the behavior of unruly children, who are, after all, works in progress, but that of unruly adults. So many now give their own birthday parties unrestrained by any of the lessons they should have been taught in childhood.

Miss Manners is not referring here to a milestone bash given by their intimates but to annual demands that others take them out on their birthdays and otherwise contribute to an it's-all-about-me day. Watch-me-get-things is a central part of that.

If a lack of emphasis on presents -- and of course the mandatory letter of thanks to each giver -- can take some of the selfishness out of birthdays, so be it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you eat poached eggs with a spoon?

GENTLE READER: Sure; nothing to it. The real trick is to eat poached eggs with a fork, which is the proper way to do it when you are not breakfasting alone.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a junior in high school, and I try to follow the rules of etiquette (though I have often found them lacking in certain situations, such as when a boy decides that they want to carry you like a sack of potatoes to your next class), but I have noticed in the past that my teachers who are there to teach us do not follow the same rules.

Perhaps it is just me, but I find comments (by teachers) to the effect of "Didn't you just go?" to be unconscionable when asking discreetly to use the restroom.

Not only do I find the behavior of a teacher commenting on students' bodily functions insulting, but in doing so the teacher brings the class' attention to a question that I am trying to ask discreetly. And for the record, if I had just gone I would not be asking.

GENTLE READER: The teachers are not carrying one another down the halls like sacks of potatoes, Miss Manners trusts. If etiquette has failed to have a rule against this, she will declare one right now, provided she does not have to do hall-monitor duty.

Perhaps they are unduly suspicious. But then, again, they do teach junior high school. Which is all the more reason that they should know why it is a dreadful idea to allow talk about anyone's bathroom habits to be heard by the rest of the class.

Miss Manners can tell you right now that an argument that teachers are rude is doomed. You would do better to mention that the present system led to unpleasant teasing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you handle people who are always late for their regular club meeting (30 minutes or more) and blame others if they are left when a trip is planned?

GENTLE READER: With more patience. Not patience to wait for them, Miss Manners hastens to explain. Patience, while you keep starting on time, to wait until they realize they will always be left behind.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to correct someone on a limpy handshake?

GENTLE READER: Were you thinking of a bit of encouraging bone-crushing? Or just a few pithy words to head off statements about being delighted to meet you?

Limp handshakes, which may have a medical justification, may not be exciting, but in any case they are not rude. An example of rudeness that comes to Miss Manners' mind is using an introduction to offer criticism.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you have to send birth announcements to your parents, siblings (people closest to you that already know), etc.? My husband and I disagree on this. He says no and I say yes.

GENTLE READER: Oddly enough, the purpose of an announcement is to announce. Therefore they need not be sent to those intimates who are on your news-when-it-happens list.

But Miss Manners is not strict about this, knowing that some like to have announcements as keepsakes. She is also aware that recipients sometimes use the cards to remind themselves to send baby presents, which is probably no news to the parents.

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