DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a volunteer writer for a publication with a subscription list of 10,000, and I write profiles of leading citizens who serve as role models for others in their attempt to make a difference in their local communities.

For the last six years, I've made ordinary people look like the "gods and goddesses" that many already think they are, and the pieces have featured their portraits in color, pictures of their families and events that they host.

However, I'm stunned that, to this day, I've never received a note or call thanking me for my positive portrayal of their lives following publication.

If someone favorably profiled me in a magazine, I would at least call or send them a bouquet of flowers in appreciation for the time it took to write and edit the piece, complete the layout with photos for the printer, and help with distribution. I once knew a Congressman who kept his House seat for three decades simply by writing notes and thank-you's to his constituents on a regular basis.

Perhaps there's a lesson here to learn. Civility is dying: "Please" and "thank-you" are no longer common vocabulary words, and even those who are so-called leaders in their communities fall short of common courtesy. Am I expecting too much of others?

GENTLE READER: Yes, if you expect them to thank you for portraying them favorably. They think you captured them accurately, with a few exceptions that anger them, and that they did you a favor, allowing you to glimpse life on Mt. Olympus.

Miss Manners does not disagree about the appalling decline in such courtesies as writing letters of thanks. But in what Miss Manners was pleased to call real journalism -- back when the idea, at least, was to portray people objectively -- letters of thanks were not expected.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who has two daughters. Every time she has a birthday, she sends the guests a list of presents that she wants for her daughters.

She then proceeds to tell the guests that if they buy something not on the list to provide the gift receipt so she can return it just in case she doesn't like what they gave.

Should I say something to her about her rude behavior or just delete the e-mail? I am really annoyed, and several other people are too. She just seems so ungrateful and controlling about the gifts her daughters can or can't play with.

GENTLE READER: Parents are allowed to be controlling in connection with their children's play, for as long as they can get away with it, which is not very long.

The problem here is that your friend is trying to control grown-ups. Generous grown-ups, at that, who are only trying to please her daughters.

But you would be doing that, too, if you chastised her.

Just delete the emails, as you probably do with other solicitations. But if you want to maintain a relationship with the daughters, Miss Manners recommends celebrating their birthdays by taking them out for treats -- without their mother, if she will allow it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have heard you and others say that a woman should not use her own first name after "Mrs." So Sarah Jennings, married to William Jennings, is Mrs. William Jennings. But in my town, I notice all the 17th- and 18th-century tombstones list Mrs. Sarah Jennings and so on.

If this form is common now and was common 300 years ago, how can it be wrong just because it was disliked 100 years ago?

GENTLE READER: That happy sigh you hear is of Miss Manners' satisfaction at being confronted with an Aha -- Caught you! question to which she knows the answer.

So please be seated and take notes.

Now -- why do you suppose that "Mrs." is followed by a period?

Correct. It is an abbreviation. Of what?

Of "Mistress."

No laughter, please. This was a respectable title for several centuries. You remember Mistress Quickly from your Shakespeare class, and how she became Mistress Pistol by the time you got to Henry V.

Was she Pistol's mistress?

No, no, let us not indulge in unseemly speculation about what might have gone on with Pistol or, for that matter, Nim, Bardolph, perhaps Falstaff himself, and heaven knows who else behind the scenes in the Boar's Head Tavern during the various parts of Henry IV. In Henry V, she is Pistol's wife and therefore Mistress Pistol, even if she keeps her maiden name professionally.

You see, the title of Mistress was used for both the married and unmarried, just as its equivalent, Mister, was and still is. (Miss Manners has often observed with some bitterness that the masculine titles, Mister and Sir, have remained unblemished over the centuries, while the female ones, Mistress and Madam, took on dirty meanings.) Seventeenth- and 18th-century tombstones can also be found in which Mistress is also abbreviated as -- get this -- Ms.

That's right -- using Ms. for both the married and the unmarried is not a modern feminist invention. No disrespect is intended in the old or the modern usage.

Later, two other abbreviations of Mistress, Miss and Mrs., took on distinct meanings: Miss meaning unmarried, and Mrs. meaning "wife of..." Therefore, Mrs. would not be used with the lady's first and last names, because it would make no sense to call her the wife of herself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Folks I know want to join me for dinner at a private club I belong to. Can I ask them to pay for their dinner and drinks?

GENTLE READER: Your club should be considered an extension of your home, and of course no decent person (although Miss Manners is aware that the other kind exist) would charge a guest at his home. You pay, as if you were entertaining at home.

Of course, once you think of it in that light, you may not be eager to dine with those who are so presumptive as to invite themselves to be your guests.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's oldest friend (a female) told us last week that she planned to come to visit us. On many previous occasions, I have invited her and her husband to stay with us overnight.

However, since their last visit, she committed (in my opinion) a grievous social faux pas by telling a woman of our mutual acquaintance that my husband appeared to be planning to get a divorce. This led to the woman's inviting my husband to her home for dinner and other socializing, unfortunately more than once.

Do you think I should be chastised for not inviting her to stay at my home on this latest trip?

GENTLE READER: That person who is chastising you -- is he also accepting invitations proffered on the understanding that he was planning a divorce?

If so, you have more problems than Miss Manners can help you with. But she can answer the point of etiquette: A guest who spreads gossip about the hosts is rude and should not be invited back. She hopes that settling this point will restore the household harmony.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, they did not want a big party, just a small gathering with their children and grandchildren. We, the daughters, wanted to put together a scrapbook of memories from their friends and families. So we sent out an announcement about their 50th anniversary.

In the announcement, we made it clear that our parents did not want gifts of any kind. We did, however, ask that each person write down a memory of the couple or some kind words and send it back on the paper we had included with our self-addressed stamped envelope.

We had sent out about 60 and only about 25 responded. I thought that was very rude of the people that did not even send a "Congratulations" note to them. Remember, these are supposed to be friend and family members. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That there must be professional editors who get less of a return when they hand out writing assignments.

Miss Manners appreciates your kind intentions to your parents, and understands that you feel you are asking little of their friends. And she agrees that as they now know of the anniversary, they should at least send congratulations.

But consider: They are not going to think that dashing off mere congratulations would be enough for such a book. They are going to want to write something special, touching and clever.

So of the missing 35, nine can't think of an interesting anecdote, 18 have your request on their desks and have resolved to think about it when they've finished a pile of other tasks, and eight are out of town.

Please do not be bitter about this. While you quite properly have not requested presents, you have requested other people's time and ability for what is, after all, your present. The chief part of the book should be written by you children, with the others' submissions -- and any you receive from people who stop procrastinating -- should be add-ons.

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