DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have heard you and others say that a woman should not use her own first name after "Mrs." So Sarah Jennings, married to William Jennings, is Mrs. William Jennings. But in my town, I notice all the 17th- and 18th-century tombstones list Mrs. Sarah Jennings and so on.

If this form is common now and was common 300 years ago, how can it be wrong just because it was disliked 100 years ago?

GENTLE READER: That happy sigh you hear is of Miss Manners' satisfaction at being confronted with an Aha -- Caught you! question to which she knows the answer.

So please be seated and take notes.

Now -- why do you suppose that "Mrs." is followed by a period?

Correct. It is an abbreviation. Of what?

Of "Mistress."

No laughter, please. This was a respectable title for several centuries. You remember Mistress Quickly from your Shakespeare class, and how she became Mistress Pistol by the time you got to Henry V.

Was she Pistol's mistress?

No, no, let us not indulge in unseemly speculation about what might have gone on with Pistol or, for that matter, Nim, Bardolph, perhaps Falstaff himself, and heaven knows who else behind the scenes in the Boar's Head Tavern during the various parts of Henry IV. In Henry V, she is Pistol's wife and therefore Mistress Pistol, even if she keeps her maiden name professionally.

You see, the title of Mistress was used for both the married and unmarried, just as its equivalent, Mister, was and still is. (Miss Manners has often observed with some bitterness that the masculine titles, Mister and Sir, have remained unblemished over the centuries, while the female ones, Mistress and Madam, took on dirty meanings.) Seventeenth- and 18th-century tombstones can also be found in which Mistress is also abbreviated as -- get this -- Ms.

That's right -- using Ms. for both the married and the unmarried is not a modern feminist invention. No disrespect is intended in the old or the modern usage.

Later, two other abbreviations of Mistress, Miss and Mrs., took on distinct meanings: Miss meaning unmarried, and Mrs. meaning "wife of..." Therefore, Mrs. would not be used with the lady's first and last names, because it would make no sense to call her the wife of herself.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Folks I know want to join me for dinner at a private club I belong to. Can I ask them to pay for their dinner and drinks?

GENTLE READER: Your club should be considered an extension of your home, and of course no decent person (although Miss Manners is aware that the other kind exist) would charge a guest at his home. You pay, as if you were entertaining at home.

Of course, once you think of it in that light, you may not be eager to dine with those who are so presumptive as to invite themselves to be your guests.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's oldest friend (a female) told us last week that she planned to come to visit us. On many previous occasions, I have invited her and her husband to stay with us overnight.

However, since their last visit, she committed (in my opinion) a grievous social faux pas by telling a woman of our mutual acquaintance that my husband appeared to be planning to get a divorce. This led to the woman's inviting my husband to her home for dinner and other socializing, unfortunately more than once.

Do you think I should be chastised for not inviting her to stay at my home on this latest trip?

GENTLE READER: That person who is chastising you -- is he also accepting invitations proffered on the understanding that he was planning a divorce?

If so, you have more problems than Miss Manners can help you with. But she can answer the point of etiquette: A guest who spreads gossip about the hosts is rude and should not be invited back. She hopes that settling this point will restore the household harmony.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, they did not want a big party, just a small gathering with their children and grandchildren. We, the daughters, wanted to put together a scrapbook of memories from their friends and families. So we sent out an announcement about their 50th anniversary.

In the announcement, we made it clear that our parents did not want gifts of any kind. We did, however, ask that each person write down a memory of the couple or some kind words and send it back on the paper we had included with our self-addressed stamped envelope.

We had sent out about 60 and only about 25 responded. I thought that was very rude of the people that did not even send a "Congratulations" note to them. Remember, these are supposed to be friend and family members. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: That there must be professional editors who get less of a return when they hand out writing assignments.

Miss Manners appreciates your kind intentions to your parents, and understands that you feel you are asking little of their friends. And she agrees that as they now know of the anniversary, they should at least send congratulations.

But consider: They are not going to think that dashing off mere congratulations would be enough for such a book. They are going to want to write something special, touching and clever.

So of the missing 35, nine can't think of an interesting anecdote, 18 have your request on their desks and have resolved to think about it when they've finished a pile of other tasks, and eight are out of town.

Please do not be bitter about this. While you quite properly have not requested presents, you have requested other people's time and ability for what is, after all, your present. The chief part of the book should be written by you children, with the others' submissions -- and any you receive from people who stop procrastinating -- should be add-ons.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My father died after a short illness. Almost immediately after the funeral, people started coming to the door saying, basically, "Gee, I'm sorry your Dad died. By the way, he promised me that I could have (item or property) someday. Can I have it now?"

My mother, siblings and I are frankly flabbergasted that people would do this in the midst of our mourning. (Dad died less than a month ago.) We are also shocked at the sheer number of people who are doing this. One person even tried to bully my mother into giving him something he said he was promised well over a decade ago!

Until now, we have been fixing people with an icy look and a message that nothing is being given away unless my mother decides to do so (delivered in a flat tone.) You would not believe the number of people who come back the next day asking if Mom has had a chance to make her decision yet!

We would like the begging to stop, but we don't want to escalate the rudeness since many of the people coming around asking for things are her neighbors. The situation is just too raw for us to think about giving away my father's things.

Can you help us with something to say that will convey the message without confrontation, please? We think that some of these people really don't realize what they are doing and we don't want them to feel like idiots, but this situation must stop, if only for my mother's sake.

GENTLE READER: Why are you flattering these people by characterizing them as idiots who do not realize what they are doing?

It seems to Miss Manners that they know exactly what they are doing: taking advantage of a bereaved family by attempting to cozen them with the smarmy tactic of invoking the wishes of the deceased.

Perhaps your father did offer to give things away, although Miss Manners is suspicious of these claims. His illness was short, and it seems unlikely that he spent it making such promises. If he did, surely you would have known about it.

In addition to the disposition of property he made in his will, you will probably honor any wishes he may have expressed to the family informally. But if you want to do anything beyond that, you -- the family -- are the best ones to guess what would have pleased him.

However, even Miss Manners can tell you what would go against his wishes. He would not have wished to reward people who harassed his widow and children.

What you should say to them is, "We appreciate your kind wishes. We have his will, and we know his most recent intentions, so if there is anything coming to you, you will hear from us or from his lawyer. Thank you for stopping by."

The opening and closing sentences here are designed, Miss Manners must confess, to make these people realize their rudeness. But in a polite way, of course.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to send a birthday gift of a food nature to someone's office?

GENTLE READER-- Is it meant to be shared? Because it will be. In the history of the world, Miss Manners assures you, no one has successfully managed to escape from a world place with a box of chocolates intact. It is therefore more sensible, as well as more personal, to send it to the person's home.

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