DEAR MISS MANNERS: I learned the hard way the necessity of being very, very polite on the Internet.

I made the mistake of pointing out in a chat room that a doomsday article being passed around (content: the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico had resulted in a crack in the ocean floor that was going to destroy life as we know it) was written by a prominent hoax writer and was thus likely not true.

My intent was to soothe people's fears, but I got on the wrong side of another Facebook poster. I made the mistake of responding to her nonsensical comments a bit flippantly, which brought on a barrage of personal invective, complete with observations on my character, lack of compassion, etc., all from a perfect stranger.

I managed to extricate myself by simply refusing to reply in kind, but it took superhuman discipline. I noted with satisfaction that her most recent postings included a justification of her initial gullibility by appealing to famous psychics as authorities who had assured her the continent would split into two parts in the near future.

This unpleasant and undignified altercation has taught me that I must always be extremely polite when chatting with other Internet posters about whose mental state I have no knowledge. As my son observed, "The Internet is not about freedom of speech. It's about the freedom to not get punched in the nose."

I think I know where I went wrong, but would Miss Manners care to add her own thoughts on this subject?

GENTLE READER: With due respect to your son, your freedom does not protect you from being punched in the nose, except in the sense that your nose is not directly available in such exchanges. As you have discovered, you are not protected from being insulted.

Miss Manners is glad that you have learned to be polite on the Internet. The hard way seems to be the only way that people learn how to use the Internet -- not only to be polite, but to think before they push Send and to check whether they have pushed Reply All instead of Reply.

She hopes you will apply this lesson more widely: If you do not exercise your right to be rude, you are less likely to inspire others to be rude to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have an opera-length rope of pearls left to me by a dear aunt. I adore them but would like to wear them appropriately.

Is there a particular time or way to wear them? A single long strand? Doubled or tripled, so the strand is shortened?

GENTLE READER: Pearls, rather than diamonds, are a proper lady's best friend because they can be worn anywhere, any time. Well, perhaps not to the beach, although they would certainly feel at home there.

And you can twist them, knot them, wind them around your neck or wrist or braid them into your hair.

Just please don't double them: It would upset Miss Manners' late grandmother. One of her improbable rules, all of which turned out to have been long sanctioned by the fastidious (of whom there are fewer every day) was Always Wear Odd Numbers of Strands of Pearls. She did not feel the need to explain why.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I invited a number of people to a party on a Saturday evening in the party room of our downtown condo. One couple we invited are friends of friends. We don't know them well, but they invited us to their daughter's bat mitzvah (we went and gave her a small gift), and we subsequently went to dinner with them.

Their emailed response to our invitation was that they were checking their calendar to see if they could come, but meanwhile, they were "curious whether this is a strictly social event, or whether it's also a fundraiser." They went on to say that they were "probably available in either scenario, but thought it important to let you know that we've pretty much finalized our donation-planning for the year, and do not anticipate expanding it right now."

In our e-mailed response, we said we were surprised by the question, that the party was for the fun and enjoyment of our friends, and they should simply let us know if they would attend. Miss Manners, is it now necessary to offer a disclaimer on an invitation? Or should we ask if their daughter's bat mitvah was a fundraiser?

GENTLE READER: Faux hospitality -- in which guests are expected to buy tickets, donate money to a cause and/or make tangible contributions to the larder or the hosts -- is rampant, and no doubt these people have been fooled before by what appear to be social invitations.

However, that is no excuse for their implied accusation against you. It is a bit like people who have had bad romances projecting their grudges onto subsequent suitors.

Miss Manners considers the reply you made to be sufficient to alert these people that they have cast suspicion on people who were only trying to please them. She understands your impulse to be snippy in addition, but asks you to let it go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please explain to me exactly what is appropriate when female attire should be a cocktail dress? I'm going on a cruise for my 20th anniversary, and the dress code is described as being formal for one night with the suggestion that the gentlemen wear tuxes and the ladies cocktail dresses.

I did look up the term on the Internet and explored some of the images at some of the online dress shops. All I can say is that the examples I've seen online don't look very formal, and certainly don't look appropriate for a woman in her 40s with a figure that can only be described as matronly!

GENTLE READER: And what is wrong with a matronly figure, Miss Manners would like to know? (However, what is wrong with putting tiny, sleeveless, strapless mini dresses on it is something she does know.)

It is odd that the term "cocktail dress" is still used, considering that no one has dressed up just for a drinks party since 1965. Still, it is preferable to the horrid oxymorons in current use, such as "elegant casual."

What is meant is that you should dress up -- luxurious fabric, jewelry, perhaps some tasteful decollete -- but not wear something floor length.

Actually, Miss Manners wouldn't worry too much about the dress itself. On shipboard, you will want a cover-up for romantic walks on the moonlit deck, and grown-up ladies look fine in scarves, shawls and stoles.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My identical twin sister and I try very hard to pursue our own individuality, including dressing differently and having different hairstyles/colors.

However, it is hard for us to overcome our basic genetic makeup, and invariably, when we are out in public, someone will ask "Are you two twins?" Usually, this is a waitperson or salesperson, but sometimes we are actually stopped by complete strangers as we are walking through a restaurant.

We usually respond with a curt "Yes" and go on with our business, to avoid the inevitable follow up questions ("Who's older?" "Did you trick your boyfriends?" "Can your mother tell you apart?"). Yet, we both find this curiosity irrelevant, intrusive and somewhat embarrassing, as though we were a freak of nature.

It has also become quite tedious, as it happens several times during each of our outings.

I realize this ranks low on the spectrum of rude behavior, and I am resigned to having to tolerate it. It is a small price to pay for the wonderful and close relationship I share with my twin. I am only hoping Miss Manners would educate the general public in the common courtesy of not prying into the lives of complete strangers.

Failing that, perhaps you would share a snappy comeback to this tiresome query.

GENTLE READER: Boring is better than snappy in this case. Snappy, if it is not rude, will be intriguing, and lead to more such predictable questions.

You are under no obligation to answer personal questions from strangers, and Miss Manners finds your dismissive reply and refusal to engage permissible. You might also try "We are sisters" or "We're told we look alike."

For decades, she has been begging people not to say the first thing on their minds when they meet others, and yet they go on exclaiming the obvious. So once again: Please, folks, if you see someone who is particularly tall or short, who appears foreign, who has a visible injury or a name that lends itself to jokes -- keep your thoughts to yourself. It is no news to the person in question to say so, and not your business to mention.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Casual acquaintances of ours called and invited to "take" us out for drinks and dinner. We agreed, but were taken back when the bill arrived at our table and the host began dividing up the charges between both couples.

Caught off guard, neither my spouse nor I had enough cash on hand nor a major credit card. When we offered to pick up the tab the next time the four of us dined out together, there was no negotiating with them. We actually had to borrow the keys to their car and drive to the nearest ATM (3 miles). Meanwhile, they enjoyed a second round of dessert and coffee.

I would appreciate your assistance in clarifying the terms to an invitation recently bestowed upon my wife and I. Did I misinterpret the invitation?

GENTLE READER: You were taken, all right.

There is much confusion between invitations to take others out to dinner and suggestions to meet them at mutually chosen restaurants. But the offer to "take" someone out clearly marks the inviter as host.

These people, however, carried their ungraciousness to new lows. Miss Manners is only surprised that they didn't charge you rent for using their car.

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