DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I invited a number of people to a party on a Saturday evening in the party room of our downtown condo. One couple we invited are friends of friends. We don't know them well, but they invited us to their daughter's bat mitzvah (we went and gave her a small gift), and we subsequently went to dinner with them.

Their emailed response to our invitation was that they were checking their calendar to see if they could come, but meanwhile, they were "curious whether this is a strictly social event, or whether it's also a fundraiser." They went on to say that they were "probably available in either scenario, but thought it important to let you know that we've pretty much finalized our donation-planning for the year, and do not anticipate expanding it right now."

In our e-mailed response, we said we were surprised by the question, that the party was for the fun and enjoyment of our friends, and they should simply let us know if they would attend. Miss Manners, is it now necessary to offer a disclaimer on an invitation? Or should we ask if their daughter's bat mitvah was a fundraiser?

GENTLE READER: Faux hospitality -- in which guests are expected to buy tickets, donate money to a cause and/or make tangible contributions to the larder or the hosts -- is rampant, and no doubt these people have been fooled before by what appear to be social invitations.

However, that is no excuse for their implied accusation against you. It is a bit like people who have had bad romances projecting their grudges onto subsequent suitors.

Miss Manners considers the reply you made to be sufficient to alert these people that they have cast suspicion on people who were only trying to please them. She understands your impulse to be snippy in addition, but asks you to let it go.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please explain to me exactly what is appropriate when female attire should be a cocktail dress? I'm going on a cruise for my 20th anniversary, and the dress code is described as being formal for one night with the suggestion that the gentlemen wear tuxes and the ladies cocktail dresses.

I did look up the term on the Internet and explored some of the images at some of the online dress shops. All I can say is that the examples I've seen online don't look very formal, and certainly don't look appropriate for a woman in her 40s with a figure that can only be described as matronly!

GENTLE READER: And what is wrong with a matronly figure, Miss Manners would like to know? (However, what is wrong with putting tiny, sleeveless, strapless mini dresses on it is something she does know.)

It is odd that the term "cocktail dress" is still used, considering that no one has dressed up just for a drinks party since 1965. Still, it is preferable to the horrid oxymorons in current use, such as "elegant casual."

What is meant is that you should dress up -- luxurious fabric, jewelry, perhaps some tasteful decollete -- but not wear something floor length.

Actually, Miss Manners wouldn't worry too much about the dress itself. On shipboard, you will want a cover-up for romantic walks on the moonlit deck, and grown-up ladies look fine in scarves, shawls and stoles.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My identical twin sister and I try very hard to pursue our own individuality, including dressing differently and having different hairstyles/colors.

However, it is hard for us to overcome our basic genetic makeup, and invariably, when we are out in public, someone will ask "Are you two twins?" Usually, this is a waitperson or salesperson, but sometimes we are actually stopped by complete strangers as we are walking through a restaurant.

We usually respond with a curt "Yes" and go on with our business, to avoid the inevitable follow up questions ("Who's older?" "Did you trick your boyfriends?" "Can your mother tell you apart?"). Yet, we both find this curiosity irrelevant, intrusive and somewhat embarrassing, as though we were a freak of nature.

It has also become quite tedious, as it happens several times during each of our outings.

I realize this ranks low on the spectrum of rude behavior, and I am resigned to having to tolerate it. It is a small price to pay for the wonderful and close relationship I share with my twin. I am only hoping Miss Manners would educate the general public in the common courtesy of not prying into the lives of complete strangers.

Failing that, perhaps you would share a snappy comeback to this tiresome query.

GENTLE READER: Boring is better than snappy in this case. Snappy, if it is not rude, will be intriguing, and lead to more such predictable questions.

You are under no obligation to answer personal questions from strangers, and Miss Manners finds your dismissive reply and refusal to engage permissible. You might also try "We are sisters" or "We're told we look alike."

For decades, she has been begging people not to say the first thing on their minds when they meet others, and yet they go on exclaiming the obvious. So once again: Please, folks, if you see someone who is particularly tall or short, who appears foreign, who has a visible injury or a name that lends itself to jokes -- keep your thoughts to yourself. It is no news to the person in question to say so, and not your business to mention.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Casual acquaintances of ours called and invited to "take" us out for drinks and dinner. We agreed, but were taken back when the bill arrived at our table and the host began dividing up the charges between both couples.

Caught off guard, neither my spouse nor I had enough cash on hand nor a major credit card. When we offered to pick up the tab the next time the four of us dined out together, there was no negotiating with them. We actually had to borrow the keys to their car and drive to the nearest ATM (3 miles). Meanwhile, they enjoyed a second round of dessert and coffee.

I would appreciate your assistance in clarifying the terms to an invitation recently bestowed upon my wife and I. Did I misinterpret the invitation?

GENTLE READER: You were taken, all right.

There is much confusion between invitations to take others out to dinner and suggestions to meet them at mutually chosen restaurants. But the offer to "take" someone out clearly marks the inviter as host.

These people, however, carried their ungraciousness to new lows. Miss Manners is only surprised that they didn't charge you rent for using their car.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a GPS navigator in my car, which I use when I am going to an unfamiliar location. If I have a passenger who claims to know the way, I usually rely on the passenger rather than the GPS, though sometimes this has proved to be a mistake. But when traveling to a place that is unfamiliar to both of us, I use the GPS.

Now it has happened on several occasions, and with different passengers, that while the final destination may be unfamiliar, during some portion of the route, such as getting out of the city or passing through a nearby community, the passenger has argued with the GPS navigator by calling it stupid, asking me why I bought it in the first place, or telling me to throw it out the window.

One person actually sulked for an hour because I took the GPS directions instead of his. Another person told me he would rather get lost than rely on a silly box with a simulated voice.

If I am a passenger in someone else's car, I don't give directions unless I am asked. I feel that most drivers have their favorite ways to travel, and it is not up to me to question their decisions. I would like to know how to respond to people who develop adversarial relationships with my GPS navigator.

GENTLE READER: No etiquette query has yet come to Miss Manners from the GPS lady herself, but with the number of people who love or hate her, it's probably only a matter of time. All that cursing and courting she must endure, while only trying to do her job, must be hard to bear.

As captain of the vehicle, it is your duty to defend her. Miss Manners suggests a gentle: "Please don't be too rough on her. She's had a difficult day. We'll humor her and let her have her way."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dear mama was quite firm in her insistence that a thank you note should never, under any circumstances, begin with the words "Thank you." Rather, it should always start with something along the lines of "How did you know I love diamonds?" or "It was so wonderful to come home from Egypt today and find a package of your famous oatmeal cookies waiting for me!"

I believed my mother (who undoubtedly was instructed by her own mother) and passed the rule on to the next generation, which is passing it on to the newest group of well-bred family members.

Recently, I have been told this simply is not so. That, in fact, it is quite correct (albeit somewhat juvenile, I still think) to begin a thank you note with "Thank you for . . . "

Could it be so? Has the entire family been incorrect all these many generations? And, if so, must I tell my children or can I just keep it a secret?

GENTLE READER: Thank you for pointing this out.

Whoops! Your dear mama was right, as are your ancestors and descendents, at least stylistically. Miss Manners has also made this recommendation.

There is no absolute etiquette prohibition on the letter that begins "Thank you for the..." but it so obviously smacks of being a duty letter, rather than one inspired by enthusiasm, that it lacks the graciousness with which your family is well supplied.

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