DEAR MISS MANNERS: When one signs onto any form of instant messaging and notices via one's contact list that someone else is already online, to whom is the ultimate responsibility to take notice? The person signing on or the person already there?

I take daily comfort from noticing that my brother must be alive and reasonably well as he is online, but he has never, ever, initiated a chat with me by something as simple as "Hi, sis, how are you?"

I get stubborn and decide to wait, and after months, I will break down and initiate a chat with him. He almost always responds and we chat for a bit, exchange pics, news, etc. Then, months later, I break down and do it again.

Am I unreasonable to want him to evince an interest in me?

Also, what about friends who never reply when I initiate a chat? "Hi, how are you?" Nothing. And, then, there is the friend who almost always "hides" that she is online. If I send an off line message, she usually signs in and we chat.

GENTLE READER: Try picturing these people at their computers.

They're working, aren't they?

Well, that's what they claim. As you and Miss Manners suspect, some of them are playing games, some of them are shopping, and some of them are opening their little hearts to strangers.

But at any rate, they are all busy at something, and you are dropping in unannounced, so to speak.

True, the existence of this system invites one to do this, which is why Miss Manners finds it objectionable. Why can't you just take a chance that your friends will answer your offline messages when they are free? Or get in touch with them by other means?

In any case, Miss Manners does think it unreasonable to consider that failing to be ready to drop everything and chat at any time is an indication of callousness.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Next year I will be installed as the head of a moderately large, not-for-profit organization. The event takes place at an annual meeting, and there is a cost for the meal associated with that event, usually around $75.

Is there a way to properly announce such an event to people who might be interested in attending while making it clear that there is a cost involved for them?

Some guests I will invite as just that, my guests, and I will be paying their costs for the event, but I can't do this for everyone. The ones coming as my guests will receive a formal invitation, but I'm puzzled about how to invite the others.

GENTLE READER: You are not the one to do it. Let them receive the invitation, with its price list, from your organization.

Miss Manners realizes that social connections are used to make people feel obliged to support one another's activities, and supposes that you will want to include your card, saying that you hope to see them there.

But she urges you not to exert any more pressure than that. It would only make clear -- perhaps, as you fear, after they make the commitment -- that they are not among your real guests.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I belong to a group of families that have raised our children closely. The children are all young adults, in their 20s. We have annual parties for special events such as holidays and graduations.

We often play a mixer game where we all contribute money and the three winners split the pot.

At the last event, hosted in my home, one of the young adults announced at my table she was cheating and demanded that the other three of us do the same to accommodate her.

I initially refused to follow suit, but she insisted. I would have had to stop the game if I further resisted, so reluctantly I went along. I have regretted it since, as I try not to lie or cheat in my own life. She won the game and took one-third of the money.

How should I have handled it at the time? Also, how do I handle it the next time we play?

GENTLE READER: In saloons and casinos, the traditional solution would have been to whip out a pistol and shoot the cheater. However, Miss Manners does not advise this, as it is illegal, immoral and a serious violation of the etiquette of hospitality.

Apparently you plan to invite this person back for the next session. If you are not willing to throw her out of the game -- to say plainly, "I'm sorry, but that is not the way we play" -- then you may as well make over your house to her right now.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were asked to join friends at their home for dinner. The invite was in the form of a one sentence e-mail. I responded one day later saying that we would love to join them and what should I bring?

I never heard back.

The couple lives in the next county, and we have joined them at other dinner parties at their home/farm/estate. Their events usually include many other couples.

I kept looking for a reply, did not know what to do. At 8 p.m., the phone rang and they were looking for us. Apparently, she had responded to my e-mail, but there is no evidence of it. My husband is an engineer and excellent at sorting out computer issues. My e-mail has never received a final reply.

I guess I should of called, but if something had happened that would of not made the evening possible for my friends, I didn't want to make them uncomfortable. We are long time friends, but not that close.

I am sure you will have an opinion. This new age e-mail invite is out-of-the-box for me.

GENTLE READER: Perhaps, but look around the box, and you will find time-honored customs of extending and receiving hospitality.

The invitation did reach you, and you accepted it. If the subsequent exchange was aborted, that still stands. Miss Manners finds implausible your notion that the hosts may have decided to abandon the dinner without informing you.

This leaves you in the wrong about ignoring your commitment. Therefore, you owe the hosts a deep apology. And one to e-mail, as well.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What can I do about friends who spend the bulk of our visits talking about illness?

We are a group of six long-time friends between the ages of 55 and 65 who gather every three months or so to enjoy dinner and conversation together. But ever since Lloyd had heart surgery four years ago, more than half the evening is spent poring over the details of not only his illness, but that of Lois, his wife, and their friends and relatives. Lloyd is a quiet guy, and Lois does most of the talking, with Lloyd chiming in from time to time.

We want to hear what's happening in their lives, including the bad stuff, but not for so much of our evening. We've tried changing the subject to no avail. One couple in the group dropped out because, after several years of this type of visit, they were bummed out.

Would leveling with Lloyd and Lois help or hinder?

GENTLE READER: It would be worse than either. That would lead to a discussion of whether you care about them, which would be even more tedious than hearing about who has gas.

Miss Manners will have to rescue you.

As the same people meet regularly, you can propose little additions to the routine. A useful one, as one ages, is to announce Medical Report early in the evening ("Everyone all right? Any new issues?"). A gentleman of Miss Manners' acquaintance refers to it as Organ Recital.

That way you not only get it over with, but if someone goes on too long, you can say, "Oh, dear, I hope you'll be better soon" and turn to the next person. And if attempts are made to revert to the topic, you can say cheerfully, "Medical Report's over. You'll tell us next time."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a bride and I'm worried that people will turn up to my wedding wearing white.

I want to know the proper etiquette in dealing with such people. Is it appropriate to have the fashion police present to tell people to go back home and change their dress?

I don't think I will be able to deal with anybody that tries to upstage me on the most important day of my life. A lot of time, money and effort has gone into the preparations for this day and I don't want it ruined by people that are rude! I don't want my photos, video or memories tarnished because of someone else's bad manners.

GENTLE READER: Oh, a bouncer to eject anyone who might threaten the supremacy of the bride! Why isn't that a standard role in every wedding party?

Possibly because there are few brides -- at least so Miss Manners hopes -- pathetic enough to fear that they will not be sufficiently noticed at their own weddings and mean enough to anticipate rivals among their own guests.

Guests must be treated with respect, and that includes anyone who may be dressed in white. What would really tarnish your wedding pictures is the sight of you keeping a steely eye out to make sure no one upstages you, instead of gazing lovingly at your bridegroom.

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