DEAR MISS MANNERS: A long-time friend of mine recently told me that she's having IVF. I wish I could give her a big hug and tell her that it will work and she and her husband will have lots of babies. Unfortunately, IVF fails more than it succeeds.

What should I say to her? I want her to know I'm thinking of her, that I hope it works, but that I'll love all her kids, regardless of how they arrive.

She also feels that having IVF is a selfish act, and I'd like to tell her she deserves kids and shouldn't feel guilty about pursuing them (and yet at the same time not imply that it would be a tragedy if she didn't have children).

GENTLE READER: You have the right sentiments, so Miss Manners will restrict herself to pointing out what you should not say under these circumstances.

Do not ask your friend, at any time afterwards, if it succeeded.

This will not be easy. And you can argue that she already confided in you, so it isn't as if you were prying. Naturally, you just want to know the outcome and are ready to sympathize with her if it didn't work.

All the same, you must wait for her to speak. If and when she becomes pregnant, the happy news is hers to announce when she decides to do so. If she does not, she may look to you for sympathy, but she could also not feel like talking about it. Her choice.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have a lovely boat. While I was away on vacation, he took a female friend of ours out on the boat to teach her how to run it and then meet up with other friends. This friend has a significant other, but he was not present on that day either.

Although I know that nothing would have happened, I have a problem with it. I just think it was quite inappropriate. He doesn't understand why I would think that, and I can't get him to see my side.

GENTLE READER: What exactly is your side? That you can go off on vacation by yourself and then chastise your husband for having what you acknowledge to be innocent fun while you were away?

Society once believed that any unsupervised lady and gentleman would be bound to be up to no good. In that case, you would have been under high suspicion for going off on vacation -- or even on a business trip -- without your husband.

Society has now found more blatant ways to be scandalized. Miss Manners suggests that you accord your husband the same trust that he accorded you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If you had your own personal letterhead (i.e. not company stationery, but stuff you had made up for your own home/personal use), is there any significance in crossing out your last name when composing a letter?

GENTLE READER: It is done in order to acknowledge that one is on a first name basis with the person addressed.

Oddly, personal paper is often marked with a title, whereas business paper is not -- and you can also draw a diagonal line across it all. Just as well for Miss Manners, who has nothing left anyway when she crosses out her surname and title.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a small town with acrimonious politics and try to stay out of things, for the most part succeeding.

When I go to vote, however, and am waiting in line, a local woman working as an election judge, with whom I am slightly acquainted, begins skillfully peppering me with personal questions.

Would you suggest a statement that I may use to politely stand my ground and decline the questioning?

GENTLE READER: Try "Oh, dear, aren't there rules against electioneering here?"

Miss Manners is aware that the lady will then protest that she wasn't electioneering -- just being nosy, as it were -- but the question will have grabbed the attention of her colleagues. You can then politely explain, "Oh, but the election is on my mind right now, and I don't want to say anything that would violate the rules."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a young child, my daughter Lauren was best friends with another little girl, Heather, and my wife and I enjoyed her parents as well, so we all socialized often.

As the girls hit middle and high school, Lauren joined the cheerleader squad and began to spend most of her time with that crowd of kids. Heather was not part of that group, and the two girls grew apart, and as that happened, we also spent very little time with her parents. We were always cordial and continued to send Christmas cards and such as that.

At graduation we discovered that Heather had garnered almost every award the school had to offer and also received a scholarship to a very prestigious university to study something like bio-engineering. Lauren was an average student, and she will be attending a local community college next year to prepare for a future four-year school.

Some weeks after graduation, we received a card from Heather's parents. It said: "Congratulations to Lauren on her high school graduation, and to you as her parents. It seems just a minute ago that the girls were flying up from Brownie scouts and now here they are ready to really spread their wings and fly."

I thought the card was fine, but my wife insists that this is a real insult to how we did our job as parents. She has been furious about it and has been on the phone with friends and family planning how she should respond. She's also angry at me because I don't agree with her; she says if I was a woman I'd see this for what it was. So I thought I'd ask you if this was bad or good manners.

GENTLE READER: It is certainly bad manners to take a gracious letter as an insult, gossip to others about this and to plot some sort of return insult.

Miss Manners, who is of the same gender as your wife, is something of an expert at reading subtexts. The one she finds here is that although Heather's parents never complained of her being dropped for the cheerleading crowd and did not brag of her scholastic honors, Lauren's mother is dissatisfied with her own daughter's achievements and resentful of those of someone who was, after all, her daughter's friend and the daughter of friends of her own.

She joins you in begging your wife to stop damaging the reputation of your daughter, who will be presumed to have exhibited envy that inspired the maternal fury.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The subject of self-congratulatory parties came up with a group of friends. We all agree that neither oneself nor one's immediate family are supposed to host a bridal shower, for example. What about a mortgage-burning party?

There are those of us who feel it is self-congratulatory (and gauche) to have such a party and announce it as such. Others disagree. Some thought that hosting a party without announcing the reason or making it "potluck" would be celebration enough and a gift to the guests. What is your standing on the matter?

GENTLE READER: Self-congratulatory parties -- for birthdays, graduations and anniversaries as well as a startling proliferation of wedding and baby showers per person -- seem to be the most common form of entertaining nowadays.

Miss Manners pictures each would-be host thinking what fun it would be to throw a party for friends, and how much more gala to have a guest of honor. And in that case, why not for the person one esteems the most?

Time was when one waited to be honored -- or not -- by friends. That modest demeanor has been trampled over by those impatient to receive such honors, not to mention the presents that they demand to go with them, and distrustful that any arrangements by others would meet their standards.

Mind you, Miss Manners loves celebrations. Those of you who favor telling the guests the occasion at the party itself have the correct solution -- provided they do not ask the guests to bring the refreshments. The mortgage-burning party can be handled in that fashion, as can most birthdays.

But some family milestones do require advance-notice celebration of one's own or one's family milestones.

Births: As you know, showers should never be given by relatives, although Miss Manners has heard of shocking cases where baby showers were actually given by the prospective parents or grandparents. What they can properly give are celebratory parties after a christening or bris.

Birthdays: School-aged children are the nominal hosts of their own birthday parties, presumably to teach them how to be gracious hosts. The fad of parents giving parties for babies is generally indulged if the guests are family intimates or if the baby sleeps through and drinks are served. Major birthdays of adults can be celebrated at parties given by relatives, but should be limited to two for a lifetime (30th and 60th, for example, or 75th and 90th).

But then look what happened: Children who had been unrestrained by the etiquette of hospitality grew up to demand that others throw themselves annual birthday parties, mandating the conditions and expecting the guests to pay.

Weddings: Miss Manners has heard of the same thing happening in connection with weddings: showers and other auxiliary parties that do not originate with friends but are assigned to them by the bride or given by her relatives.

Any other party given by celebrants or their relatives, notably that announcing an engagement, is properly not named as such. As some of you have figured out on your own, the advantage of announcing the occasion when the guests are assembled is not only their gasp of surprise. It is their declaration, "Oh, I wish I'd known; I would have brought a present."

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