DEAR MISS MANNERS: It seems I am in a constant scandalized state when I am out in public. Women of all ages and sizes seem to proudly display their bra straps or go braless. On top of all that, there seems to be no shame in displaying fat rolls and g-strings. Why aren't they wearing body-appropriate clothing and keeping the undergarments under something? Am I in the wrong or are these "ladies" missing the boat?

GENTLE READER: Actually, that boat has sailed, and why the passengers have boarded, Miss Manners cannot say.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and his wife are having their first child and I have been told that proper etiquette dictates that the grandfather stay away from the child and/or the parents for the first week or two.

The grandmothers are welcome from day one on to indefinitely but not so for Grandpa.

I am married to the epitome of a southern lady, and she has never heard of such a thing. Please give me your opinion on when Grandpa is welcome.

GENTLE READER: Sir, Miss Manners is afraid that this is a family problem, not an etiquette one. There is no etiquette rule, one way or the other, regarding the visits of grandparents. This one seems to have been created in your honor.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How can I politely decline an invitation from a couple with whom my husband and I are fairly good friends? They invited us to join them for a weekend trip, and when my husband and I expressed interest in joining them, they mentioned at the last minute that they intended to bring along their children.

Now, my husband and I like children, but we cannot bear the thought of spending a weekend in close quarters with these particular ones. They are completely out of control, and a weekend with them would result in nonstop shrieking, breaking objects and general chaos. When we tentatively accepted the invite, there was talk of a babysitter, and we had assumed that this would be an adults-only event.

How can we politely decline this kind invitation without revealing our feelings about our friends' children (and thus, risking both hurt feelings and a broken friendship)?

GENTLE READER: Is there any elective surgery that you have been putting off? Because if they made definite arrangements to go with you, perhaps with some expense and not enough time to invite others, that is your only hope.

But Miss Manners notices that you merely say that you "expressed interest" and that the problem is how to decline, rather than how to back out.

In that case, apologies are needed, rather than excuses, especially not the excuse that you can't tolerate their children. If you carry on enough about how sorry you are to miss the trip, how you want to hear all about it when they are return, and so on, you need not go beyond saying that something has come up.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate wedding attire for a 4:30 p.m. wedding at a church? Does it matter that the bridesmaids are wearing black?

GENTLE READER: That will be convenient if the wedding party is going to a funeral immediately afterward. Miss Manners assures you that pastel dresses, and not black, white or red are proper ladies' attire for afternoon weddings.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When one looks up my name on an Internet search engine, one can find lots of embarrassing information about me that I posted a few years ago when I was ignorant of the consequences of posting personal information online.

Can I tell people that I wish for them to not look me up on a search engine? And in general, what do you think of searching for acquaintances' names without their consent?

GENTLE READER: It is a shame that you -- and millions of others -- have to learn the hard way why privacy is important and how to protect it. But Miss Manners cannot allow you to imply that people are nosy for looking at what you yourself posted for public view.

And warning them away is a sure way to direct them there.

One hears daily of new ways of protecting information, but also of its getting out anyway. And once you have posted something publicly, you have no control over the way even authorized people may disseminate it.

Miss Manners would suggest a low-key note, inserted in whatever general statements about yourself that you may have posted, saying, "If you will laugh off my young and foolish statements, I will do the same for you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate to live at the beach, and when my children and grandchildren come to visit, they often bring a friend (teens).

I have yet to receive a thank you from the teens' parents. I have them for one week, feed them, take them all out to dinner, and they are treated like family. I don't get a thank you from the child, either.

Is it too much to expect a communication from a parent after their child was cared for and entertained for a week?

GENTLE READER: It is certainly too much to expect parents to write their teenaged children's letters of thanks. What they should be expected to have done is to teach the habit to their children.

As this has been neglected in the case of your guests, Miss Manners suggests that you make your relatives responsible for giving their guests your address "so you'll have it for your letter" as they leave.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I married a man who is 20 years older than myself, and he has two children who are around my age. We are all on very good terms except for one thing.

Whenever we go out for dinner, they always expect us to pay the whole bill. They NEVER offer to even pay the tip or put any money toward the bill. They both have decent jobs, as do I, so it would be nice if once in a while they pick up the bill and pay it.

How can I express my feelings without offending them or sounding like the evil stepmother?

GENTLE READER: Your feelings? What about your husband's?

Miss Manners agrees that it is charming of adult children to reciprocate their parents' hospitality. But having grown up with their parents paying the bills, some do not think of changing. And while parents should appreciate the gesture, some of them prefer to keep that part of the parental role.

If your husband agrees with you, he is the one to say, "We'd love it if you would take us to your favorite restaurants now and then." If not, leave it alone. It has apparently been going on since the time you were born.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Well, now I am in trouble. My husband says that even Miss Manners says that I am incorrect.

I am a wife and a mother. I feel that it is a duty of a mother to teach her children the use of proper manners. That is why I have diligently set out to teach my children how to use a fork and knife correctly. I have taught them to chew with their mouth closed and to take small bites. I have taught them that a napkin is not to be used as a toy.

They know which fork to use and when. I have been trying, with some success, to teach them how to set a table. I do not think that, in most circumstances, the plate or the bowl should be lifted from the table to be eaten off of or slurped out of.

At the dinner table, I remind them through eye contact and nonverbal cues about how to implement their manners. Sometimes, at home, I have even asked them such questions as, "Where does your napkin go?"

Nothing bothers me more, at the dinner table, than to see someone take a huge bite and have to watch and listen while they smack the food around in an open mouth for all to see. Who wants to see someone's partially eaten food roll around in their mouth? I don't like to listen to the smacking and crunching, either.

Worst of all, I dislike someone spitting food at me while they talk and chew at the same time. Who wants to see noodles dripping out of someone's mouth and down their chin?

My duty is to remind, gently, that table manners are important. I really think that if they choose a career in which there is any kind of socializing to be done, good manners are very beneficial.

My husband has now said that I have been corrected by Miss Manners herself. I am to turn a blind eye to the eating habits of the other people around me and keep my eyes to myself and my own plate.

This is exactly why people have lost the use of manners. I cannot do this to my family. For now, I will not heed Miss Manners' advice about ignoring other people's table manners and teach my children to the best of my ability.

GENTLE READER: You're joking, right? Or you failed to notice that your husband is.

Surely you can't possibly interpret Miss Manners' injunction against busybodies offering criticism to those who are minding their own business as a ban on childrearing. Can you?

If you did not teach your children manners, who would? Not your husband, apparently. Nor would Miss Manners barge into your house to train your children or, for that matter, to chastise your husband for sabotaging your commendable efforts. That is what the rule is intended to prevent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper response to someone who asks, "What do you do every day? What do you do with your time?"

GENTLE READER: This is an unfortunate attempt to start a conversation, as it implies that the person being queried might be useless. Should you not be willing to overlook this, Miss Manners recommends, "I lie on the couch and read trashy novels and eat bon-bons."

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