DEAR MISS MANNERS: An unfortunate incident occurred last year between me and a fellow graduate student in my department, and I am still at a loss as to how to resolve it.

I was good friends with this gentleman, who apparently misinterpreted our friendship. I had repeatedly expressed my delight that my boyfriend was moving down to live with me; however, he believed that a romantic situation would develop and was upset and disappointed when my boyfriend actually arrived.

The trouble is that he aired his disappointment to most, if not all, of our fellow grad students, claiming that I had "led him on" and lied to him. I don't believe there was anything in my behavior or conversations with him that could have been interpreted as a romantic signal.

The members of my department are not only friends but professional colleagues, nor can I imagine, given his lack of discretion, that the professors remained in the dark.

I didn't want to turn my private life into an object of debate or he-said-she-said, nor did I want people to feel that they had to choose sides. So I simply ignored the whole situation in public, refusing to discuss it with all but a few close friends, on the assumption that it would blow over.

Almost a year later, I am wondering if this was the correct decision. I sometimes feel that some of my fellows are cold or distant to me (it may be my imagination), and I wonder if it's because they've heard this story and believed it.

I am on polite but very distant speaking terms with the young man, but the fact is that I loathe him for telling these stories about me and yet will have to interact with him in classes, departmental events, etc., for many years to come.

Is there any way to resolve the situation with other members of the department after so much time has passed -- i.e., to indicate, without appearing petty (and ideally without going into details), that I did not behave inappropriately? And how does one treat a person one truly (and justly) dislikes but cannot avoid?

GENTLE READER: You are still brooding about this a year later?

Bringing it up now will go a long way toward convincing your colleagues that you have a guilty conscience and giving the disappointed suitor renewed hopes.

You did the dignified thing at the time. Now let it go and behave with professional cordiality toward the perpetrator, who may have long since moved on.

Everyone else has. Unsatisfactory romance is such a commonplace thing at universities, simply because of the number of young single people around, that the non-starter story you relate would be eminently forgettable.

Besides, you undoubtedly announced your real beau's arrival to them at the time. Someone who spewed bitterness about a failed courtship attempt only made himself look unattractive and pathetic.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are in disagreement about showing purchases in malls. He thinks it's fine for me to take them out and show them to him, I do not. Miss Manners, what is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: Uh, what did you purchase?

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been thinking for some time about the "juvenilization" of death and the grieving process.

I cannot understand what has happened to the solemnity, the gravity, and, perhaps most conspicuously absent, the sadness one's passing should openly generate. I read about the sudden accidental death of a teenager whose classmates were encouraged to wear "bright, happy colors" and to carry "colorful balloons" to the service.

It is not my intention to criticize anyone in their grief, but suggesting a color scheme seems terribly out of place when one stops to truly consider the sorrow and aching anguish of a life stilled before coming to blossom. I also think it deprives the family of deeper reverence from friends and other loved ones for the departed as well.

I believe it has a lot to do with our adolescent attitude about death; how we steadfastly refuse to come to terms with it and try to camouflage it as something else. Worse, maybe it's our knee-jerk reaction to make a "celebration" out of everything.

GENTLE READER: As you say, we do not want to begrudge the bereaved what comfort they can get. But Miss Manners wonders what comfort bereaved parents feel when they see cheerful youngsters appear to be partying, balloons and all, while their child lies in her coffin.

And, for that matter, how it affects the classmates to have to conceal whatever sorrow and fear they may feel. Or siblings who find themselves torn between their upbeat contemporaries and their desolate parents.

In stark contrast to the popular balloon reaction to death are military and state funerals where somber rituals are enacted to frankly grieving people. The comfort that others can offer to the immediately bereaved is the assurance that the life that has ended was of importance to them and that the person will not be forgotten.

The approach of "We're not going to let this get us down" does not strike Miss Manners as offering that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you respond to someone who compliments your appearance without necessarily having to return the compliment?

I lost a noticeable amount of weight recently, and when I run into people I haven't seen in a while, they quite often greet me by saying, "You look great!"

I'd like to tell them that they look great too, but since most of them look the same as they did the last time I saw them - and even, in some cases, not so great - it seems transparently disingenuous to say, "You look great too!"

Yet I feel bad about just saying "thank you" because it's like an acknowledgement that I have no compliment to pay them. Sometimes I feel I can get away with a casual "Likewise!" or "Back at you!" which allows me to (sort of) return the compliment without being too specific, but even that doesn't always seem appropriate.

Please, what would be a suitable response for me to use so I don't come off as a self-centered diva who lives only to soak up other people's admiration?

GENTLE READER: "Thank you."

The you-too compliment is not much of one, as you have guessed. At best, it feels prompted; at worst, impersonal and inaccurate.

But Miss Manners is glad to know that you understand that social kindness requires reciprocity. If you are also a liberal dispenser of compliments -- ones that are both timed and fashioned to seem sincere -- you need not worry about accepting them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I hosted a small dinner party for eight, serving the following courses: appetizer, soup, main meal, dessert. One of my guests finished her appetizer and, attempting to be helpful, began to clear plates while others were still eating.

This prompted others to also get up to help. Within moments, half my guests were clearing while the other half were still eating! I like to wait until everyone has finished the course before I begin clearing, to avoid those still eating feeling rushed.

I did not ask them to stop clearing, nor did I get up to assist in the clearing until the last guest had finished eating. By the time they started prematurely clearing the third course, I was seething.

This has happened in the past and I still can't figure out how to handle it. Am I wrong to wait to begin clearing until everyone has finished the current course?

GENTLE READER: No, but you have a different wrong idea about how a hostess should behave.

It is your house. You are presiding at your own table. Why would you just sit there and seethe when you are the person in charge?

Yes, Miss Manners understands that your guests are only trying to help and you do not want to be severe with them. They probably picked up their service ideas from waiters who hope to indicate that they expect everyone to eat up and make way for more customers.

But you must be firm. "Please, everyone, sit down," you should have said. "We're not all finished eating yet." And if you encountered disobedience, you should have continued by using names: "Olivia, please sit down; we're not all finished eating. Jackson, please sit down. Kelsey, please sit down...."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I purchased a backyard hot tub, which we enjoy immensely. Our desire was the therapeutic benefits for sore muscles and arthritis and stress relief. We have also discovered it is a wonderful venue for our time together to catch up after a long day at work.

Acquaintances have asked when they can come over for a "hot tub party." How are we to respond to a request such as this?

I don't want to appear rude, but their request is something we're simply not interested in. And frankly, I think their boldness is discourteous. What are your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Since it would be outrageous for people to propose themselves as guests, Miss Manners suggests that you not treat such statements as such. You need say only, "Oh, we don't give hot tub parties." If you did, but naturally for guests of your own choosing, you would merely change it to "we rarely give hot tub parties."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When giving a magazine subscription, for one year, as a gift, is the giver then expected to renew the subscription? Is it impolite to ask if the recipient is enjoying the magazine before renewing?

GENTLE READER: Polite people are not going to tell you if they use the issues for kindling. Miss Manners suggests now and then mentioning a prominent article from the magazine. If the recipient always looks puzzled, it is time for you to think of a different present. If he is only behind because he reads every word, he can renew it for himself.

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