DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a large wedding with several hundred guests, followed by a reception at the church. Several friends had made cookies and there was coffee available.

Later, when viewing a social networking site, I saw mutual friends' pictures, taken later in the day during a second, elaborate reception at another location.

Rationally, I realize that budgets are limited. I tried not to, but I still felt slighted.

In these days of Facebook and Twitter, it is hard (impossible?) for people to be discreet. Not just limited to weddings, I have friends who have had events for some of their friends and later had their friends who weren't invited feel hurt, having seen photos and heard comments from those who were invited.

Is there anything that can be done to minimize hurt feelings in these situations?

GENTLE READER: It is easy to blame the Internet, but people have always talked, and sooner or later this division between first- and second-class guests would have been known. The way to avoid it is to avoid doing it.

Miss Manners does not consider budgeting an excuse. Whatever money was spent on the second reception could have been used for the first one.

Weddings are different from other parties, in that they are (one hopes) once-in-each-lifetime events, at which family and friends should be included.

While those who give and attend other events are not supposed to speak of them (let alone plaster them around the world) before those who did not, we should all realize that everyone cannot be invited to everything.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct way to stand in an elevator? It seems rude to put your back to people, but also rude to face people with your back to the wall as if you are staring at them. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That facing strangers in an elevator gives them the creeps. And that if you were to wait in line facing the person behind you, rather than the counter, that person would be freaked out.

Miss Manners' point is that although not turning your back on people is a fine rule for occasions requiring human interaction, it does not apply to every situation.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband owns a professional practice. Since we are new in town, I frequently meet a lot of people who are unfamiliar with us. When I'm introduced, or if someone asks why we moved to this city, I tell them it was because we purchased the practice.

Very often, I hear "Oh! I go to Dr. So and So." It makes me uncomfortable and leaves me grasping for a response. Should I come up with a standard line or just change the subject?

GENTLE READER-- You surely did not think the town was full of people in need of medical (or dental or psychiatric, or whatever your husband practices) who were quietly suffering until your husband came to town.

So Miss Manners trusts that you had no intention of trolling for patients. Rather you should be placing your husband as a member of the professional community. This is done by saying, "Yes. Dr. So and So, we were delighted to meet him (or we're looking forward to meeting him)."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband is leaving -- that is, he's been railroaded out of -- a prominent job as a public servant in a small town. He has been very badly treated, and we are angry and hurt but are trying to hold on to our dignity. I want to give everyone within earshot a piece of my mind, but I know it won't do any good; their minds are closed.

What can I say when people ask why we are moving on? I want to take the high road and give them as little material as possible for the gossip mill.

There is no other job in sight at this point, so we can't say that; he is just beginning a search. We need agreeable-sounding phrases that are not lies, and I'm stumped.

GENTLE READER: Not "He's planning to spend more time with his family." They're on to that one, to the extent that it will start rumors of divorce.

They are also on to "doing consulting," at least in Washington, where that means "out of office." And "Looking at his options" is unkindly interpreted to mean that he doesn't have any worth talking about.

In your case, Miss Manners would actually advise saying, "He's out of office right now."

Not that she thinks you owe anyone such bald truth. Her reasoning is: first, that as it is a small town, everyone knows the situation, so any euphemism will sound defensive; second, that it may remind those who feel he was treated unfairly to help.

However, Miss Manners understands that what you are really after is a safe form of revenge. All right, it is "Well, he's thinking of writing a book."

Now don't tell her that this is a lie. Everyone who feels badly treated is thinking of writing a book about it. And it never fails to get the rattled attention of those who mistreated the aspiring author.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband claims I am too sensitive; I say other people are rude. Here is an example of an event that perfectly highlights my point:

As my husband introduced an acquaintance to me, the acquaintance stuck out his hand and said, "I'm sorry."

I responded with, "I'm not." The acquaintance was a little taken aback and later mentioned to my husband (I was no longer nearby) that he was sorry to make me feel uncomfortable.

Later that evening, at home, my husband said that I am too sensitive to people doing this.

But my response is: Why do they think it's OK? They don't know me, but I guess they think I will find it funny to make fun of my husband.

I understand that people use humor to make potentially awkward situations a little smoother, but all this does is get me riled up. Why can't people simply say, "Nice to meet you" instead of trying to be funny?

GENTLE READER: If this is what passes for wit among your husband's acquaintance, Miss Manners does not wonder that you are dismayed. It must be rather tedious to hear that sort of thing.

She recommends falling back on another standard remark, but one that has the advantage of flummoxing its target: a sweetly rendered, "But he speaks so highly of you."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Most outdoor events during the summer are pretty informal -- backyard cook-outs, swim parties, and so on -- and swatting at mosquitoes is part of the atmosphere. But what about formal events?

I know almost everyone at the swim parties I go to, and it's not a problem to wave mosquitoes away or even try to swat them when they land (with permission, of course).

At a wedding, I only know people on one side of the aisle, and I have a faint worry that, much like unexpected personal noises, mosquitoes are to be totally ignored during formal occasions. Or one is only permitted a slight twitch in an attempt to dislodge any that land but not warn others of a mosquito in their vicinity.

GENTLE READER: You ask mosquitoes for permission before swatting them? And here Miss Manners thought she was considerate of others.

However, your killing technique may need some refining.

No doubt you and your friends have a merry time running about at swim parties and cook-outs, wielding rolled up copies of The Economist, or whatever you use for mashing mosquitoes.

But there is something between that and surrendering to victim-hood. You don't want to create commotion at a wedding to the point where the officiant looks up, thinking someone is objecting to what he is joining together.

But neither do you want to disrupt the reception by spilling your champagne everywhere as you rush to scratch an itch.

Barehanded murder is what Miss Manners recommends. If a mosquito lands on you, squash it. If it's just flitting around in the air, hold your fire.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've kept close touch with an old classmate via e-mail and was made an honorary godfather of his daughter 26 years ago. I have never seen or spoken to her ever. This goddaughter had the audacity to e-mail me requesting if I could get her an iPhone, as she needs it at work and can't afford it at this time.

I was planning to give her a nice gift this year, but it was nothing in the price range of an iPhone. Should I give in to her request or just ignore her request and give her something more affordable? How should I write her a letter that I can't give her an iPhone without hurting her feelings?

GENTLE READER: Her feelings do not sound like what Miss Manners would call delicate.

As a godfather, you should show an interest in her, but you are also in a position to give her advice. You might write her a genial letter, asking about her job, whether she likes it, what her plans are for the future and so on. In it, you could advise her that if the telephone is truly essential to the performance of her job, she should ask her employer to supply it.

If you get a friendly letter back, you may be able to establish a relationship that would justify your continuing to send presents that you can afford. If not, the tie seems to have run its course.

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