DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was walking across a beach, sunny, lots of people around. Ahead of me, to one side, was a pretty girl walking on a course at right angles to my course. It became apparent that if we continued walking at the same rate, we would run into each other; one or both of us had to pause or change our course.

My instinct was to slow down, allowing her to pass ahead of me. I did that, and everything was fine.

Then, I thought, this allowed me to be just behind her, to stare appreciatively at her backside, and she couldn't see me or what I was doing unless she turned around.

Would she have preferred me to go ahead so she could have kept me in her range of vision?

Of course, on this public beach it was not really a problem. But what about in a parking lot, perhaps in the evening with poor lighting, and she was carrying a purse?

You can imagine many situations where our teaching is to let the lady go ahead, but in reality maybe she doesn't want a strange man behind her. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you should stop staring at that young lady, even if it is a public beach. Beaches are wide, and you needn't have dogged her footsteps.

That you especially should not do so in a dark parking lot, Miss Manners agrees. But the "ladies first" rule, while decorous in social life, does not apply in parking lots. Did you keep your car to one side allowing ladies who had arrived after you to enter the lot first?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My college friend and bridesmaid has spontaneously decided to run for a political office with virtually no experience in the field. She expects me to donate financially.

I am currently a homemaker with one child and two on the way. Although my husband and I can afford it, it quite frankly isn't something that I want to prioritize in our lengthy budget.

I love my friend but am somewhat offended that she asked me to send her money and turned down my alternative ways of supporting her.

(By the way, she has no husband, children, or other bills that I am aware of. She also would not represent my district, as we live in different states.) How would you suggest I proceed?

GENTLE READER: Not by a discussion of your finances or hers, which could get ugly. You have noted that you could afford to give, and few politicians can afford to finance their own campaigns.

The simplest thing would be to give a token donation, although Miss Manners can understand if you do not want to yield at all to pressure. In that case, she suggests writing an affectionate and supportive letter, reiterating your offers of alternative support (if still practical) and wishing her well, but not mentioning or enclosing money.

If she does not let it go at that to retain you as an ally, she is not cut out to be a politician.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiancee and I are fortunate to have a lovely group of friends with whom we socialize regularly. We all get along fabulously and more often than not have a rollicking good time.

Coincidentally, although we all live in New England, I am the only American citizen in the group. Among them are Middle Easterners, Britons, Caribbean Islanders and Australians. They are here for various reasons but all, except my fiancee, intend to go home eventually.

Now, it is a hobby of mine to read and think long and hard about what America means -- I study America the way some study their Bible -- and normally would love nothing more than an animated discussion on the subject.

For a while, the only complaint I had was how I fit in so well with them because I was not a "typical" American -- which I received in the complimentary spirit it was intended but took, in my heart, to be a backhanded compliment at best.

But now I find myself sitting through marathon gripe sessions about America as International Bad Guy, with no opening for examination as to why and how we wound up where we are, no room for back and forth about whether it is really all that bad.

Worse, they expect me to agree with them, which I cannot bring myself to do, even for the sake of international dinner-table harmony. I've tried to probe by asking why someone feels a certain way, but this was seen as either an attack or a display of such total blind-American ignorance, and resulted in such shocked looks, that I've not repeated the performance.

Comments along the lines of "Isn't it nice that we live in a place where we can shout such opinions from the rooftops" have occurred to me, but I'm afraid they would be a bit too cliche and contentious.

I would much prefer to open up the discussion than to close it down. Can you offer a better solution, Miss Manners? These discussions occur more often than not around my own dinner table. Should my response be dictated by where we are? I'm beginning to feel increasingly uncomfortable around my friends.

GENTLE READER: While they are feeling perfectly comfortable insulting your nationality and the country they are visiting, without even feeling the need to explain why.

Time to turn the table.

Not by insulting them or their countries, Miss Manners hastens to add. These are your friends, often also your guests, who had reasons for coming to America. Probably they are just grousing, as people do wherever they are, and indulging in the ugly presumption that it is all right to degrade America to Americans, a surprising number of whom do not take offense.

What you should do is to find other occasions -- not when America is under discussion -- to get them started talking about their own countries. Are they happy with the government, and its foreign policy? Can it take criticism? Does it provide opportunities to make the most of oneself? And are most people there interesting and polite?

Miss Manners feels sure that you will be supplied with ample material for saying "But I thought you said that at home...?" when they complain about the United States.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper for a young lady to brush her teeth in the presence of a young man?

GENTLE READER: Only if an improper act preceded it.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been blessed with natural blonde hair my whole life. I am now in my 70s. I also have no gray hair.

The problem? I have been accused of bleaching my hair for as long as I can remember. When I come back from the beach, it is even lighter, which always raises the question again with friends who see me regularly.

No one believes that it is real. I have had hairdressers not take proper care of my hair because they don't believe me. Even my grandson does not believe me. When people ask who colors my hair, I say God does.

I know you usually tell people not to answer rude questions, but this has gone on long enough. Any suggestion other than dying it a darker color, which I would hate to do?

GENTLE READER: You would hate to sacrifice your hair color to justify these people in their now-false assumptions?

Is Miss Manners to suppose that you would grudge having your teeth pulled if they insisted that you were wearing false teeth?

Let us hope that you don't really care what most people think but are tired of the insulting idea that you are vain and untruthful. But you should be wary of entrusting yourself to hairdressers who cannot tell the difference between untouched and bleached hair.

There are two possible answers to others who make and persist in such rude assertions -- one offhandedly dismissive and the other sternly dismissive:

"All right, don't believe me. Have it your way." This is a way of saying "Your persistence about this is beginning to annoy me, so I'm calling a stop to it."

Or the stronger version: "Are you calling me a liar?"

You may not want to use either on your grandson. He can be told, "If you're lucky, you may inherit this from me and not turn gray in your old age. Then you'll believe me. In case I'm not around then, I'll accept your apology now."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What's your take on posting the death notice of a loved one on Facebook, or people who post condolences to your Facebook profile?

My grandmother was recently deceased and my relatives would post their condolences on my Facebook profile. My sister-in-law also announced my grandmother's death via her Facebook status. Though they are well-meaning, I have always felt such practices to be tacky.

GENTLE READER: That will be two takes that Miss Manners has on the subject, because posting a death notice and sending condolences to the bereaved are different things.

We really don't have a conventional way of announcing a death other than through telephone calls to those with close ties and printed obituaries in newspapers, alumni magazines or professional journals. Thus not everyone who would be interested finds out. In other societies, black-edged cards are sent out, or notices are put up on public places.

So a dignified notice on an Internet site would not strike Miss Manners as tacky.

Condolences are another matter. Those should be expressions of sympathy and, when possible, kind memories, sent personally from one person to another.

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