DEAR MISS MANNERS: Next semester I will be abroad, living with a host family. There are some guidelines set up, like we cannot break things and must respect the curfew if our family sets one.

But what is my status within the family? I am really not quite simply a "customer," although I am paying, but since they will be strangers -- at least originally -- I am not quite a member of the household.

So -- do I insist on helping with dishes? What about other household responsibilities? I know I will be responsible for my space, but what about the rest of the house? Should I expect them to be more like landlords or parents? Miss Manners, please help me navigate this situation with grace.

GENTLE READER: Imagine that your parents have agreed that the child of a friend, whom none of you have met, will spend a few weeks with your family this summer while taking courses in your town, and that her parents have insisted on compensating your parents, even if they protested.

Scenario 1: She sits there while you clear the table and do whatever other chores you are used to doing.

Scenario 2: Not only does she do your chores before you get to them (with everyone else knowing she is doing them), but she has started vacuuming the house every weekend.

You hate her already.

Oh, yes, you do. Miss Manners can tell.

In the first instance, her having paid to stay is irrelevant. Your house is not a hotel, and she can't hire you to serve her. In the second, it's not just her showing you up. It's her behaving as if it were her house.

That is the dilemma of someone in a household who is neither a customer nor a family member. Nor, for that matter, a short-term guest, who should offer to help but not make decisions about running the house.

What is acceptable is to spend a day or two observing the household routine, and then volunteering to help where it seems needed. As for insisting -- you should insist on helping, but not insist on doing a particular chore if the help seems genuinely unwanted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to send someone a thank-you card, but I miscalculated the ratio of text to space and have no room left on which to write. Is it appropriate to slip another sheet in the card and continue there? If so, what sort of paper should be used for the job?

GENTLE READER: How the card industry managed to convince people that canned messages are more important than personal ones, Miss Manners will never understand.

Obviously you understand the importance of using your own words. So why cheapen them by enclosing them within a preprinted form?

All you have to do here is to take out a plain piece of paper and write a letter of thanks. It is simpler, cheaper and, Miss Manners assures you, more dignified and proper.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We built a beautiful vacation rental home and spent a lot of time and money to furnish it with quality items so that our rental guests can feel that they have their "home away." Many people expressed delight, saying that how much they enjoy the provisions.

We run a substantial financial deficit on the home and don't know if we'll break-even -- ever. We opened our home for others to enjoy. Several items are already "disappearing," and we decided not to replace them. Our home is individually owned -- we are not part of a larger business (not that this is appropriate, either) that might be able to absorb the losses.

Some time ago, I saw a little poem that politely reminded people that these items are here for them to use at our home and to please leave them behind for the next person to use; and also, please treat the home with respect so that it remains nice in the years to come when they return.

Can you provide me a few polite reminders that I can frame and place in a few rooms?

GENTLE READER: If Miss Manners knew a little poem or a cute saying that would reform thieves on the spot, she would be in conference with the police department right now.

You do not say whether it is your shampoo bottle or your television set that keeps getting stolen. Hotels give away the former, which has gotten people used to believing that they are owed a souvenir, but it has not prevented the theft of larger items.

At any rate, a warning, however coyly worded, would insult your honest guests. Miss Manners suggests you limit your guest list to them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother served in Iraq a couple of years ago. He suffers from PTSD and was wounded. The physical wound is not one you can see, but people (family especially) will still ask him what it was like to fight in the war and even go so far as to ask if he killed anyone.

We have a family reunion coming up, which he is considering not attending because of the possibility of having to field questions of that nature. I haven't seen him since he graduated from boot camp and would be heartbroken if I couldn't see him because of this matter.

I understand where he's coming from, but I would like to know what the appropriate response is to questions of that nature. Would it be OK to just give family a heads up to not ask him about his war experience?

GENTLE READER: Can you do this without creating consternation and even more curiosity about his condition?

It would be kind to save your brother the trouble of saying, "I really don't feel like talking about the war these days," which is all he needs to say, although he will unfortunately probably find that he has to keep repeating it to the same people.

But Miss Manners begs you to do this in a nonalarmist way. Something such as, "Alex will probably tell us about the war eventually, but right now it's his least favorite topic, and I know he'd appreciate our staying off the subject."

You don't want the family to start looking at him nervously or backing away as he approaches.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my sister was married, one of her friends attended the wedding but did not bring a gift. In the days that followed the wedding, the guest told my sister "I can't believe your parents didn't come around to each table."

My sister was amazed that this friend would make such a comment, especially since she had not followed etiquette to bring a gift for the bride and groom. I find her comment about our parents rude and almost unbelieveable, considering she is "calling the kettle black"!

I am now planning a baby shower for my sister, and she's asked that I invite this same woman. Since they work together, I think my sister feels obligated to invite her to "keep the peace," based on others who will be invited.

If this woman arrives to the baby shower without a gift, how should I handle the situation?

GENTLE READER: Do all of you believe that etiquette is a battering ram for you to use as a weapon against one another?

It is customary for wedding guests to give presents and for wedding hosts to greet their guests. However, the rudeness of omitting these courtesies is nothing compared to the rudeness of confronting one another with failure to do so. You deplored it's being done to your family, and yet you seem to expect Miss Manners to sanction your doing this in return.

How you handle the situation of guests' arriving, with or without presents, is with a smile and a greeting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a recent college grad and have been applying for jobs online. Most of these jobs require that applicants send a resume to an email address, and there is no number to call or an address (to apply in person).

I have received very few responses or even replies that they received my resume, which is the problem. I don't know if it wound up in a spam folder or was deleted.

If that is the case, I would like to send it again. But if they received it and just didn't want to hire me, I wouldn't want to send it again and seem like a pest.

If you apply for a job online, shouldn't they at least let you know they received your resume, even if they don't hire you, so at least you would know it didn't disappear in cyberworld? What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Yes, they should. But nowadays, businesses plead understaffing -- compounded by the great number of people looking for work -- to excuse the lack of feedback they give to job applicants. As if they had never heard of using form replies, which is easier than ever with e-mail -- and as if they hadn't been just as unresponsive when times were flush.

Beleaguered as they are, they are not likely to be noticeably worse off if you resend your message, mentioning that you had not heard back. Miss Manners has heard that some employers consider persistence to be a virtue.

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