DEAR MISS MANNERS: Have you noticed how many people do not seem to be aware of how to eat properly or how to hold an eating utensil?

Whenever I eat out, I notice more and more people who hold a fork like it is a dagger and stab at their food like it is still alive and then bring the chunk of meat (and it is a large chunk) to their mouths in a very unsettling way.

In a formal restaurant, I saw quite a few young people (anyone under 30) who seemed to have no idea of how to eat properly. One man was shoveling food into his mouth with portions so large he had to chew them with an open mouth until he could partially swallow some of the food to close his mouth. His date was not much better, as she filled her fork with pasta and then slurped it up into her mouth and bit off what she couldn't fit into her mouth. They both held their utensils like they were foreign objects.

Looking around the room, I noticed quite a few people not faring much better. In case you are thinking this was a dive, the average entree was over $30, bottles of wine were twice that, and the place is actually very nice.

In discussing this with friends, they agreed that many people nowadays seem to have a difficult time doing something as simple and basic as eating in a manner which separates them from cavemen.

GENTLE READER: Let us not be so quick to malign cavemen. Whatever their eating rituals were, they probably all knew and followed them, which is more than we can say of modern Americans.

In normal societies, primitive or somewhat civilized, eating properly is learned as routinely as talking -- perhaps more so, since at times there is a stronger motivation. But modern America has all but done away with the routine communal meal in favor of grazing, munching and other such means of ingestion, which are done without guidance or observation.

One might think, then, that there would be no one left to disapprove. Except those of us in the etiquette business, who are popularly supposed to spend their pathetic lives waiting to pounce when someone fails the Pick a Fork test -- a test that interests no one but themselves.

Wrong. There is someone else who is thought to notice -- a feared and respected personage known as The Head Waiter. The presumption is that all waiters at expensive restaurants report infractions to him.

So there are those who do learn conventional table manners in order to practice them in restaurants. Others, as you have observed, do not bother. Therefore, Miss Manners keeps her eyes strictly to her own table when dining out and advises you to do the same.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law's husband's son is dying of cancer, and his ex-wife came to visit his son. Since her arrival, she has insinuated herself at the arm of her ex-husband, and it is not at the behest of his new wife, my sister-in-law.

Should she step aside and let his current wife comfort him, or is this proper etiquette?

GENTLE READER: His ex-wife came to visit his dying son?

Ah, that wouldn't, by any chance, be the dying son's mother, would it?

It is not just etiquette, but, Miss Manners would think, simple humane decency that should keep your sister-in-law from injecting jealousy into these poor parents' attempt to comfort each other.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When our daughter graduated from college, all graduation gifts given her were in the form of cash with the exception of an aunt and uncle who gave her a pair of earrings.

I may add that this particular aunt and uncle are known for being very "frugal," often passing along gifts that had been given to them so they needn't spend more money than absolutely necessary.

These same people have greatly valued obtaining a college education, and yet we feel that when it came time to express their sentiments, their sentiments disappointedly lacked. Because the graduation was not local, those attending were responsible to pay for their rooms at a hotel. However, several costly meals in nice restaurants were provided by my husband and I, the hosts. All family members were aware of our plans to provide these meals well in advance, as this information was outlined in an itinerary provided for all those attending.

I felt that such a gift indicated a resistance on their part to give generously as such an occasion would dictate, or so I thought. I'm shocked that they would feel comfortable in giving such a gift that I suspect cost them very little (if not anything at all). Even if the earrings had been purchased, this uncle works in a retail environment where he has access to huge discounts on jewelry. In other words, those earrings may have cost as little as $10.

Shall we thank them graciously despite our feelings on the matter? Would there be a tactful way to communicate our disappointment with their behavior, especially when we feel we were so generous as hosts, not to mention the fact that this was a special milestone in our daughter's life that all other extended family members seemed to acknowledge based on their generous gifts?

They say, "It's the thought that counts." If it is truly "the thought that counts," I don't feel the thought was sufficient for the occasion. What is your opinion, Miss Manners?

GENTLE READER: That these people did too much.

Considering your contempt for them, your willingness to entertain them only in the hope of getting their money, and your notion about denouncing them for coming up short, Miss Manners finds it a wonder that they acknowledged the graduation at all.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In our home with four children, I feel it is important to extend greetings when we see each other for the first time in the day or when entering the house after an errand.

It is just as important to say "goodbyes" and "goodnights." Not only is it good manners, it promotes a nicer atmosphere in the home.

We do both -- but is it generally the person entering the home or the one already in the home who should extend the first greeting?

GENTLE READER: The announcement of, "Hi, I'm home!" is, in Miss Manners' opinion, a happy one. And it generally leads to an equally cheerful, if not especially informative, "I'm in here!"

(Yes, we know it sometimes leads to "And just where have you been all this time?" but let us hope that is an exception.)

Someone who is at home and hears a noise but no greeting will be forced to call out, "Is that you?"

Not quite as warm, is it?

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When a woman is dating a man and he expresses great interest in her but tells her that she must also meet his girlfriend, what does this imply?

If this same woman (me) tells this man that the only way we can be together is to be monogamous, otherwise uninterested, and this man continues to pursue this woman, how do you suggest the woman respond?

If this same man then marries the girlfriend and continues to pursue this woman, what do you suggest, in the management of such an uncomfortable scenario?

I called the girlfriend/wife to be, to try to talk to her about the truth, and she did not want to hear reality. Was this the right thing to do?

She only laughed and then aggressively abused all my privacy rights in a failed effort to defame my character. She has caused nothing but trouble for me and my family. It appeared that she was, and continues to live, in complete denial.

I thought trying to talk to her was the right thing to do. I wanted to talk to her about the circumstances and work out a reasonable solution. I know if I were about to marry and a woman I knew wanted to politely chat about his behavior patterns, I would certainly want to listen.

In retrospect, what might I have done differently to result in better relations?

GENTLE READER: Since you mention retrospection, why don't you wind back to when you said that you were not interested in someone who had another romantic attachment?

How did you get from there into taking such a strong interest in the other lady's happiness as to force your unwelcome confidences on her? Or, for that matter, to characterizing another as being in denial and accusing her of invading your privacy?

What you might have done differently was to walk away from the first bizarre suggestion of a triangle. But Miss Manners has the strange feeling that you are no longer listening to her.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am hosting my child's birthday party at a location where the cost is determined by the number of children attending. I sent invitations home to each child in my son's class with the classmate listed on the envelope as the invitee.

A mother who I do not know well contacted me and asked if it was OK with me if she brought her other two children with the invited child and indicated they cannot attend at all if all three children do not come.

I have reservations about this because of the additional cost and also because of the age difference between the siblings and my son's classmates, which I think would affect the atmosphere. She has offered to pay for the siblings.

What would be a polite response to this request? Should I accept her offer of payment?

GENTLE READER: No, because you would put yourself in the position of selling places on your guest list.

But you needn't accept additional guests. Miss Manners is guessing that this mother is hoping to have free time while you watch all her children, which is unfeasible while you are supervising a party. Or perhaps she has an unwise policy that the three must always include one another, which is unfortunate for their social lives.

All you can do is to say, "No, I'm afraid we're only having Timothy's classmates. But I know they will all be very sorry not to see Sean there."

: