DEAR MISS MANNERS: Lately, I cannot tell whether I am being invited to a wedding or just being informed of one.

I was told of a nephew's engagement in person; I was sent an e-mail with the date of the wedding, and that a website was coming soon -- no other information; later, I was sent a "link" to their wedding webpage, which described where the wedding was to be held (the Caribbean), which resort to book, which airport to fly into, and urged me to reserve early for "the best price"; I received a follow-up e-mail listing in detail which people had booked their rooms, and/or airfare and/or signed up for activities at the resort, and who had not; and most recently, I received an e-mail from the engaged couple informing me that in lieu of wedding gifts, they wanted cash to pay for "experiences" during their honeymoon and were signed up at a website to make donating easier for me.

In none of these communications were the words "You Are Cordially Invited..." or anything similar. I have received nothing in the mail, and do not anticipate it -- the date is only three months away, and all previous communication was by e-mail; granted, something can be said for saving paper by sending "e-vites," but I digress.

In my mind, I haven't been asked to join the couple to celebrate their union. I think registries are inappropriate as it is, and always give a gift of my choosing, rude as that makes me. But then, why should I send a gift if it will go unacknowledged, as many of my recent gifts have?

I know, because I love my nephew, not to beg thanks; but it is nice to know whether it was received or not, whether they can pretend to like it; I'll just continue to assume they didn't like my gifts -- again, I digress.

Have I been invited? Even if I have been, I have no intention of going. I find destination weddings even more inappropriate than registries.

GENTLE READER: But you are still likely to receive an actual paper invitation to this one. You may not consider this good news.

Miss Manners hardly blames you for being confused by the deluge of material you have already received, but it isn't over yet. Real wedding invitations are sent out only four to six weeks before the date because it is not nice to pin people down months and months in advance, before they have had the chance to make other engagements.

Many people erroneously believe that an advance warning, usually referred to as "save the date" card, does just that. They become desperate to make excuses for weddings they do not wish to attend. But such warnings do not obligate the guest to respond; only the invitation does, and that does not require an excuse, only an expression of regret.

Advance notice serves the practical purpose of allowing those who plan to attend (it is unthinkable not to invite anyone given such notice) to make their travel arrangements. It also allows the couple to begin panhandling from their prospective guests.

Of course you should decline this invitation when it arrives if you do not want to spend time and money on people you already know to be ingrates who ignored your previous generosity.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There are certain people in my life, as in all people's lives, whom I tolerate because I have to, but whom I don't trust at all. I am pleasant to them but do not seek out their company and do not confide my personal life to them. Cases in point: an ex-boss and a sibling, both of whose tendencies to lie, steal, cheat and manipulate in cold blood for personal gain make me think of them as sociopaths.

Now the world of Facebook has made it impossible to avoid them. Both have asked to "Friend" me; both know that I have "Friended" others whom we have in common.

The thought of their having access to details of my personal life, photos, thoughts, or even "Friends" list gives me the creeps.

On the other hand, blocking them, while they know that I give others full access seems like a slap in the face and likely to cause more trouble between us. Other than dropping out of a very useful and enjoyable medium, what can I do?

GENTLE READER: When, oh when, are people going to learn that the Internet is not a safe place to store private information?

No, not even with the various available restrictions. Have you never confided a secret to a friend and then complained bitterly because the friend was not more discreet than you, who couldn't keep your own secret?

And as you sense, refusing access is like saying, "Nyah, nyah, I have secrets, and you can't see them."

Short of keeping your personal information to yourself, the best you can do is to ignore these appeals, hoping that they presume you just don't check that often. Considering the vehemence of your descriptions of them, they are unlikely to be surprised.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my friends who is graduating wants to invite her friends to a restaurant to celebrate her graduation. However, she probably doesn't realize that if she is inviting people, people who are invited would expect her to pay for the dinner.

When I was invited to another friend's graduation dinner with a few of his friends, his parents footed the bills. Originally, I thought I was supposed to pay for my part, but a friend said no, if you are invited, they usually foot the bills.

How do you say when you want to invite people to dinner but they would have to pay for their food? We tried to come up with a word and the only word that comes to our mind is called Dutch Treat, but that is for dating. Hope you can help me let my friend know how to say it in her e-mail to her friends.

GENTLE READER: Your friend is unfortunately not the only person who believes that one becomes a hostess simply by announcing a time and place where people can treat themselves. And probably treat her as well, since she is also her own guest of honor.

Miss Manners has been endeavoring, with indifferent success, to explain the difference between an invitation and a suggestion for meeting. If you can manage to convey this, she will be grateful.

Suggestions are not formally phrased. What your friend should tell people is that she is treating herself to a special restaurant outing, and wonders if they would like to go along.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Sometimes I feel that I am fighting a losing battle while trying to raise my two sons, aged 2 and 3. My husband and I feel it is important to raise our children to be polite and respectful.

I am amazed at how difficult this can be! How do we deal with people who swear in front of our children? I cannot count how many times this has happened, in places such as Disneyland and at the playground.

Just today, I was in the restroom with my boys, washing their hands, when the grandmotherly woman at the sink next to us used profanity due to a lack of paper towels.

My children are at the age where they repeat everything they hear, so this is especially concerning.

How, also, do we deal with people who take exception to the way we're teaching our children to address adults? We were both raised that children address adults as Mr., Mrs., or Ms. ______. I am constantly dealing with people who, in front of my children, demand that my children call them by their first names because "it makes them feel old" to be addressed that way.

I have been politely responding, "I'm sorry, but that's the way we're choosing to raise our children."

Should we defer to their wishes or hold firm to our belief?

GENTLE READER: You should let go of your belief that you can bring up adult strangers. Or anyone else except your own children, a formidable enough task, as you have discovered.

That you wish that your children could grow up in a more civilized world is something with which Miss Manners sympathizes. Never mind the children -- she'd like to live there herself.

But your job is to prepare them for the real world, old foul-mouthed ladies and all.

Fortunately, you have some years now in which you and your husband are the main influences in their lives. You can inscribe your own standards so that they will always measure behavior by them, whether or not they choose to obey them once they are out of sight or on their own.

Young children are thrilled to know that it is not just they, but grown-ups, who sometimes misbehave. You must say nothing when the offender is present -- you don't want your children thinking that they can scold strangers -- but afterwards, you can say, "That poor lady doesn't know how to talk properly -- she said a very bad word."

You must also teach them to treat foolish adults, as well as sensible ones, with respect. When an adult gives a child permission to use his or her first name, it overrides the general rule you are quite properly teaching them.

Ideally, an adult would suggest this as a flattering way of recognizing that a young friend has become an adult. Miss Manners is aware, however, that the silly claim you cite is more often the case.

But everything provides the alert parent with material for child-rearing. When your children are older, this should provoke a discussion of how sad it is to be ashamed of reaching what is supposed to be emotional, as well as physical, maturity.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you go to a restaurant and the server will say "Hello, I'm Sally and I will be your server..." I always feel I'm being rude if I don't introduce my wife and myself.

When I do, the server seems surprised. What is the correct response?

GENTLE READER: "The lady will have a martini, please, and I would like a diet cola."

Visit Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com, where you can send her your questions.

: