DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have long-term friends, with a delightful family. We have watched the children from infancy grow up to be bright and personable young people, and we love them dearly. The two oldest were valedictorian and salutatorian of their classes, and were accepted to Ivy League schools.

We were in a position to help them, and gave each of them graduation presents of a dollar amount to enable them to forgo student loans. We have continued this yearly.

The difficulty with our situation is the youngest child. He is a senior this year, and may graduate. He has often stated his belief that the others were foolish to study so hard and not have much fun. His grades reflect his attitude and lack of commitment.

Needless to say, he will not be going to college in the near future. What shall we do about his graduation gift?

If we give him an amount similar to his siblings, I feel it will be a reward for his lack of effort. And if we don't, it will seem like we love the others more than him, which is not the case. I know that one doesn't discuss gift amounts, but I know that our gifts to the others are general family knowledge.

GENTLE READER: As you are so fond of the family, Miss Manners hopes you will not give up on the youngest child. He may yet amount to something.

However, if the money you so generously gave the others was specifically marked toward college tuition, you need not match it. Rather you might give him, as a graduation present if he graduates, something of use in whatever he does plan to do after graduation. Ignoring his graduation would seem mean, but a note saying that you will be glad to contribute to tuition if he does decide to go to college might be encouraging.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion of a engagement party which is also a fundraiser for the engaged couple? They are upfront about it being a fundraiser, and it takes place at their house, where they are cooking a meal for cash.

The idea behind it is that the marriage is in part because one member of the couple is of another nationality and hasn't been able to earn money in this country. Because of their single income, they would like to raise money from friends for the wedding.

While I have nothing against fundraisers, combining it with the engagement party seems a little gauche to me, since many people I know feel like they must attend the engagement party or risk offending the couple.

GENTLE READER: If there is a difference between engagement/wedding festivities and fundraisers, you would not know it from Miss Manners' mail. Nearly all the bridal questions concern one form or another of extracting money or dry goods from guests.

And perhaps not-so-coincidentally, many of them refer to the partner in the engagement as being a "finance."

The overriding purpose of this event, as its hosts and beneficiaries have explained, is not to celebrate but to raise money. Those who agree that this is offensive should not attend, but this does not prevent them from showing their good will by congratulating the couple and wishing them happiness.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 30-year-old single woman without children. Two days ago, I received a "Happy Mother's Day" e-card from an older couple who attends my church. I am the prayer coordinator at my church, so, this couple frequently e-mails me with their prayer requests, but I have never met them in person.

The fact that I am 30, unmarried and childless is a very sensitive issue for me because I do not foresee myself getting married anytime soon, and I couldn't have children if I wanted to.

How can people whom I've never even met just assume that I am married with children when this isn't the case? Although I am highly offended, I would like to respond in a way that doesn't offend these insensitive people. How should I proceed?

GENTLE READER: When a chummy salesman once had the cheek to address Miss Manners' own dear mamma as "Mother" ("Now, Mother, wouldn't you like this?") she gave him a sweet smile.

"I'm afraid you have made a ghastly mistake," she said kindly. "If I were your mother, I am quite sure I would remember you."

You are welcome to use a version of this, returning the card to the senders with a note saying that you hope that their mother was not disappointed when this was misdirected to you.

But Miss Manners has observed that over the last decade or so, Mother's Day has been transformed into a sort of general Ladies' Day. The original idea was to honor one's own mother -- as if one shouldn't properly do that every day of the year -- but now the obligation seems also to fall on husbands, grandparents -- anyone with a mother in the family.

Or not. These were strangers, making a blind guess and then faking intimacy and sentiment. No doubt they felt virtuous in doing so, as if it would make your day to be "remembered" by those you have never met.

Nevertheless, you should not take this intrusiveness personally. People who do not respect personal boundaries are not likely to be targeting you alone. With their scattershot approach, they could well hit not only non-mothers but mothers who are bereaved or estranged from their children.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I insist on having my own dishwashing gloves (separate from my wife's). A few years ago, we were in couples counseling, and at one session both the therapist and my wife said they thought that was weird. Recently the subject came up with a good friend of mine, and he thought it was weird, too.

I have my own personal items like a toothbrush, comb, razor and nail clippers, and I don't think it's weird to have my own gloves. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That you should put on your gloves and do the dishes instead of polling people. We are all entitled to our little harmless habits, Miss Manners believes, but we are not entitled to demand approval for them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I are casual and infrequent entertainers. As we plan an evening's meal, we invariably have a rather pointed discussion on the role of hors d'oeuvres.

My wife wants to dispense with them altogether and seat guests at the dinner table five to 10 minutes after they arrive. If we serve drinks and appetizers, she claims, people just fill up on snacks and don't have room for the main meal. She claims that this senseless custom just encourages overeating.

On the other hand, I say that inviting guests to sit in the comfort of our living room for half an hour allows them to transition from their hectic day and road travel into a relaxing dinner. Besides, having this little gathering before being seated for dinner is what people expect, given that it seems to be the norm when we are guests at others' homes. It feels awkward to not offer guests anything while we put the finishing touches on dinner.

What is the protocol for pre-dinner drinks and appetizers?

GENTLE READER: Wait -- your dinner guests all arrive on time? Miss Manners congratulates you.

For most hosts, serving drinks and hors d'oeuvres is essential, so as not to inflict undue hardship on polite guests while waiting for tardy ones. It is also a time to introduce guests to one another, and to rethink the seating arrangements when you notice who turns out to have had bad romances with whom. All very useful.

However, it needn't go on and on. Nor need the food be filling. Throw them a thin carrot stick or a bit of celery with something on it, and most people will be relieved not to succumb to more fattening fare while anticipating a satisfying meal.

Neither should your disagreement have gone on and on. If your wife concedes 10 minutes after the last arrival (not the first) and you argue for 30, surely you could split the difference.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I grew up with the rule that a wedding invitation requires a gift, even if the invitee does not attend the wedding. But friends have been telling me that rule is obsolete.

I've been invited to the wedding of a first cousin twice removed, whom I haven't seen since she was 5. Her parents and I are in touch only through Christmas cards.

I have no idea why I was invited and have no intention of going to the wedding, which will not be in my town. It would involve an expensive overnight hotel stay. Must I send a gift?

GENTLE READER: Those among whom you grew up were generous but misinformed. If you find this disillusioning, Miss Manners notes that at least it will save you money.

Getting married does not grant people license to distribute bills to those who are minding their business. A wedding invitation is merely an offer of hospitality. As such, it must be answered, one way or the other, and it should also prompt a letter wishing the couple happiness. There is nothing wrong with also sending a present, but that is certainly not required.

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