DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a member of several professional organizations, one of which has a conference every two years. It is the most expensive conference I attend, and it begins with an evening "reception."

After driving for 12 hours and changing hurriedly into my suit in a hotel bathroom or parking lot, I arrive at the reception to find a long line streaming out of a closed door. I have waited up to 90 minutes (the reception is two hours) to greet and converse with the organization's president, who uses the occasion to "catch up" with each member.

Once, I had less than 15 minutes before the snacks and drinks were whisked away. Often, members are leaving before I enter!

It feels odd to have to wait so long to enjoy the reception. In fact, it would seem that we are having to kneel before the king in obeisance before the conference. This is consistent with the fact that the members no longer elect members to the board, and board meetings are no longer open to members, so we are powerless to "adjust" the leadership.

What is the etiquette for receptions? Would it be appropriate to simply prop open both doors to the ballroom and invite in all the members who have paid for the space and refreshments? This would allow us to enjoy each others' company while those who would like to pay their respects wait in line.

Or does protocol require me to wait patiently for my turn to kiss the ring of the king before I can enjoy the reception?

GENTLE READER: Doesn't your king know what happens to kings who remain indifferent to the hunger and thirst of their subjects?

Miss Manners realizes that the time is probably not ripe for you and your fellow sufferers to storm the reception, commandeer the bar and topple the king, even though he has shown himself to be lacking in one of the qualities of leadership -- the ability to move a receiving line along while making every person feel personally greeted.

But you can seem appreciative and helpful by bringing the situation to the attention of whoever orchestrates these events for the king. Not that business about the drinks being whisked away or kissing the ring, and not your other complaints, which should not be addressed in connection with a reception -- but that many who would like to shake hands with the president spend most of the reception waiting in line. When you suggest opening the doors to all, be sure to mention that you will, of course, be keeping an eye on the reception line so that you can join it when it thins.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell your readers what to say to someone who has just suffered a miscarriage. My daughter recently had a miscarriage, and a relative said, "Well, there are worse things that could happen." I thought that was pretty insensitive.

Why not just say "I'm sorry"? What do you think?

GENTLE READER: Why not, indeed? It is the only helpful thing to say.

What Miss Manners thinks is that people harbor the illusion that they can say something that will make the pain go away. The example you cite hardly seems to qualify, even for that misguided notion, but the speaker evidently thought it would be a relief for your daughter to remember that at least she had not been eaten alive by werewolves.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My freshman daughter in high school, who is beautiful on the inside and outside, has received several offers to the homecoming dance at school. She said yes to the first offer although she knew another boy she liked (and we did, too) had attempted to contact her.

She said she didn't realize the conversation with the first boy would end in an invitation, and she didn't want to hurt him. We know this boy's family and agree that it would be best to go on the date she has accepted. I am sure they will be OK.

This may happen in the future. Would you have advice on how to decline an invitation to the school dance, which I think is different than a regular date because everyone wants to go and talks about this one night?

If you say no to a potential date, does etiquette mean you should not go at all? My only advice was "don't answer the phone three weeks before a dance and only call back who you want." There are a lot of limitations with this advice. This is a situation where I think it is hard to juggle getting what you want with being kind.

Is 14 too old for her to say, "I have to ask my parents first"? This still doesn't help enough because we wouldn't want to hurt a boy's feelings either, just to wait for another offer.

GENTLE READER: Your daughter is not too young to learn how to say no to someone who admires her. It will save you, as well as her, a lot of grief later.

And while Miss Manners commends your and her desire to avoid hurting anyone's feelings, you both need to recognize that not all hurt feelings can be avoided.

Hurting someone's feelings by making it clear that the young lady is waiting for a better offer would indeed be bad. But everyone, even vulnerable young gentlemen in high school, has to learn to deal with whatever hurt is felt if an invitation is declined or a romantic impulse unrequited.

The chief way to avoid rudeness when declining is not to give any excuse. This is also a way to avoid easily detected falsehoods. She need only say, "You're so nice to ask me, but I'm afraid I can't."

If the petitioner's mother has not taught him the danger, as well as the rudeness, of asking why not, she should say merely, "I'm sorry, but I have other plans." Even if the other plans are to wait for a more desirable young gentleman to ask.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: During the processional, is it appropriate for the stepmom to get a personal escort to her seat by an usher along with the biological mother, or should she just take a seat like the other guests, but sit in the pews reserved for the parents and grandparents?

GENTLE READER: You have asked this question in a neutral enough way so that Miss Manners can't tell if you are the biological mother, the stepmother or a partisan for either.

This is a good sign. Perhaps this is that rare question about a technicality without an unkind subtext.

The answer is that all ladies attending should be escorted by ushers, and that the stepmother should sit with her husband.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend from work had a "destination" wedding in Las Vegas. Because of the cost of traveling to another state, hotel stay and the fact that it was the week before Christmas, I declined on my RSVP well in advance.

Of course my friend was upset that I was unable to attend her out-of-state affair. However, I made the bride's veil, and she said she loved it. I received a note of thanks for the veil from my friend.

She stated in the thank you note that she "appreciated her true friends that made the commitment to come to the wedding and that we are still accepting monetary gifts for our honeymoon cruise later this summer."

Beyond the initial thank you, I feel that both statements were inappropriate. Her wedding veil was costly to create (both in time and monetarily), and since it was my gift to her, I do not feel inclined to give a cash gift for their honeymoon.

Isn't the honeymoon the responsibility of the bride and groom? We couldn't afford a honeymoon and my husband and I went camping in a state park for a week. We never dreamed of asking people to give us money for a honeymoon.

Am I wrong? Should I rethink giving her money for her cruise?

GENTLE READER: It depends. Don't you want to save up to buy them a house? And to furnish it? And to contribute to their future children's education?

Because that this is what you would be in for if you decided to pay bills for a pair of greedy ingrates.

Miss Manners cannot think of a more generous and charming present than the one you lovingly made. But evidently, the bride can.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our high school provides graduation announcements that students can purchase that include our class motto, alma mater, etc., and also contain a section for each student to insert a name card and/or portrait.

Some of these announcements will be sent to family and friends that I have not heard from or talked to in a very long time. Is it proper for me to handwrite a few personal words in the announcement, or would this cheapen the effect?

My father (whom I believe is of the same generation as Miss Manners) says I am mistaken and that if I want to say something else I need to enclose a separate note or send another letter altogether.

I see his point, but is a simple "Hope to see you soon" or "Best Wishes" really all that big of a faux-pas? Please steer me in the right direction!

GENTLE READER: Well, neither your father nor Miss Manners wants you scribbling on your wedding invitations some day.

But a personal card with your name on it has no such prohibitions. On the contrary; it is begging to be written upon. If your school's invitations did not anticipate inserting a card, Miss Manners would have suggested it.

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