DEAR MISS MANNERS: I responded to a post on Facebook using a double-entendre. As with most double-entendres, one interpretation was rather straightforward while the other was somewhat inappropriate.

I posted this on the page of a friend who was not offended by the message. However, several of her friends, whom I do not know, did take offense.

As I see it, my audience was the friend and I shouldn't feel remorse for my message. Should I have considered every possible reader and assumed that they would be easily offended? I'd rather not sanitize my comments to please the most prudish person in any situation.

GENTLE READER: Then you will find out what such people think of you.

However much you think of such sites as a means of private correspondence, they are not. The very idea is widespread sharing of what is written. Even whatever controls seem to exist cannot prevent your friends from passing on what you wrote.

And then nothing on earth will stop the other readers from critiquing what you wrote. Everybody's a critic nowadays.

Of course you can then snap back, and thus start an endless critical exchange with people you don't know. That is, indeed, many people's idea of fun, although Miss Manners can hardly dignify it by calling it an exchange of ideas.

But all you apparently intended was to be in private touch with your friend. There are other means to do so. None of them is sacrosanct if your friend decides to tell others, but they are at least a bit less public.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My first cousin died tragically in a car accident. My two sisters, who are both married, made the two-hour drive and attended the out-of-town services.

One of my sister's husband attended (mine did as well), but the other husband chose to stay home due to a pet having surgery (mind you, the pet stayed at the vet all night).

Our family was very close to my passed cousin, and I thought it quite rude that my brother-in-law not attend. We are talking about a human being versus an animal.

I've heard the "Fluffy is part of the family" argument before and I don't buy it. I had multiple pets growing up, but a human celebration of life far outweighs the living pet in my opinion. Please tell me if this line of thinking is in left field.

GENTLE READER: No, but it is unwise. In times of high emotion such as funerals and weddings, people have an unfortunate tendency to dwell on slights they perceive from others.

Miss Manners begs you to let this pass. First because the Fluffy excuse may be questionable, quite apart from the animal vs. human angle, since your brother-in-law was not at the veterinarian's with Fluffy. The real reason, justifiable or not, may have been something else. But more importantly because the funeral is past and you should be appreciating those who did attend, not focusing on those who did not.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to an event that the initial e-mail invite described as "an evening of love" with an acquaintance who is a news personality -- in support of the animal rights charity she belongs to. I RSVPed to the group's e-mail address.

When the parking and shuttle instructions were e-mailed a couple of days later, the event was described as a fundraiser, a word that had never appeared in the original invite. (As a journalist, I was mostly going for a possible story idea, to say "hi" and, I must admit, "to network.")

I remember getting an invite from the group a year or two earlier, which asked for $40, to attend an event. This time no amount was listed, and I had no idea how much might be expected. I have nothing against the charity, but I am not a strong supporter, and it is not a cause I would ordinarily give to. I accepted thinking it was a group meeting of likeminded individuals, not a fundraiser.

Could I go in good conscience and not give anything, even if an attempt were made to make me feel guilty?

Moreover, when an "evening of love" becomes a fundraiser, are you obligated to follow through on your accepted invitation? Can you rescind the acceptance once the true nature of the event is revealed -- and must you provide an excuse, state the truth or be vague?

Shouldn't they just say upfront it is a fundraiser? I almost feel a bit snookered. Here is the part that will give you heart palpitations: Since it appears to be more of a business event than a social event, can I "just not go" without rescinding?

GENTLE READER: "An evening of love" with a "personality"? And you thought that would be free?

Here Miss Manners thought she was naive.

The answer to the last of your many questions is no. You don't have to go, and you don't have to donate to the cause, but it would be mean to cost the organization money by counting you in the total they plan to feed (presuming that that is included with an evening of love).

You need only say that you now find you are unable to attend. Canceling for such an event is not like rescinding the acceptance to a private dinner party, for which the only excuse is death. But if you want to make the point, you can simply note that you had not realized it was a fundraiser.

Or you could go, listen to the pitch and then decide whether you want to contribute to the cause. That, in theory, is how a nonticketed fundraiser is supposed to work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son was invited to the prom by a girl from another school. She said, when I asked, that he only needs to pay for his ticket if he wants, but I think as a gentleman brought up in Texas, he should pay for both. What do you think?

GENTLE READER: That wherever she was brought up, a lady should know how to be a hostess and pay the expenses when she issues an invitation.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are employed at a billing center for a national durable medical equipment supplier. Our manager has recently reinstituted the business-casual dress code. We had been quite casual (jeans) for a very long time.

Is business casual the allowance of "crocs" and allowing employees to be wrapped in blankets at their cubicles during the winter months? What are the acceptable and practiced rules of business casual dress in the employment world?

GENTLE READER: As far as Miss Manners can tell, the word "casual" has come to mean that all social decencies are optional.

People who refuse to consider others -- such as not showing up when they said they would or helping themselves to other people's lunch supplies -- will brag that they are just casual sorts of people. The implication is that anyone who objects is pompously citing an unimportant technicality.

So if you think winter was rough in your office (would turning up the heat have helped?), wait until summer. The casual folk especially enjoy trashing anyone's sense of proper dress.

While "business casual" was originally intended to eliminate ties and jackets, Miss Manners urges your manager to specify what he means and drop the word "casual" from his dress code memos. Otherwise, you can expect your colleagues to peal down amazingly when it gets hot out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For my graduation from graduate school, I do not want to order the invitations from the school-sponsored company. They are expensive and not very pretty.

Is it appropriate to either make my own invitations or use blank cards with a handwritten invitation to my graduation and graduation party?

Also, I truly do not want gifts, cash or otherwise, from my loved ones. My loved ones have generously supported me throughout my education with plenty of home-cooked meals, house-warming gifts when I first moved to the area and rides when I did not have a car.

I am planning to move shortly after graduation and do not need anything. Is there an appropriate way to convey this to them? It strikes me as rude to write, 'No Gifts Please' on the invitation. I also do not want to hurt their feelings by being rude!

GENTLE READER: Your instincts are excellent. Handwritten invitations are actually preferable to printed ones. (Even engraved wedding invitations are a practical concession to the difficulty of writing out so many invitations by hand.)

And you are right that a no-gifts statement only shows that one had one's mind on receiving stuff, which is likely but improper. Besides, Miss Manners has been horrified to hear that nowadays that is often interpreted to mean that the inviter wants money instead of objects.

But although a handwritten invitation can be ultra-formal, it can also be informal, depending on the wording. Downplaying the sense of occasion will, in this case, help one of your problems mitigate the other.

Something along the lines of "I'd love it if you would come to my graduation ceremony, and a little celebration afterward" does not scream "Major occasion! Presents expected!"

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