DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister-in-law is expecting her first child in a few months' time. She has informed us that it's very important to her to have the entire family present at the birth, and that we will be receiving formal invitations to the "birthing room party."

She and I are on cordial terms but we're not close, and quite frankly, even if we were, I would not want to be in the birthing room.

My husband feels the same. Perhaps we are old fashioned or prudish, but we don't want to watch Sally giving birth or to make a party occasion of what we consider should be a private event.

How do we decline gracefully without offending her or her parents, who are wild about the idea?

GENTLE READER: Of all the bright ideas about how to entertain, this is Miss Manners' least favorite. As she keeps pointing out, a lady never entertains guests with her legs in the air.

And why any obstetrician or midwife would agree to work in the middle of a party, she cannot imagine. (Please excuse the rant. You agree, and you just want to get out of going.)

Miss Manners recommends developing a reputation for being squeamish and likely to faint at the sight of blood. There is much use for that weakness these days. You should confess that to the family with your apologies, adding that should you be present, the medical people might have to drop what they were doing to attend to you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: The office that I work at has two bathrooms on each of the two floors we occupy, one on each floor for the ladies and one for the gentlemen.

What is the proper response when one is occupying the bathroom and someone comes a-knocking?

These bathrooms are of a style for single entry and lock from the inside to ensure privacy, but from the outside, there is no way to know if it is occupied or not. Some co-workers approach this by simply trying to open the door and then realizing it is locked or simply knocking gently.

What is the proper response to be made from the occupant? I have heard everything from "just a moment" to "I'm in here" and even the "hang on just a second, I'm almost done."

Also, I wonder if it is proper to wait outside the door until the current occupant has finished and then enter as soon as that one has left? Some insight would be helpful.

GENTLE READER: You don't need insight; you just need to know whether someone is inside. "Sorry, it's occupied" will do, but so will the other declarations you mention. What one wants most to hear is, "I'll be right out."

As you realize, there are also rules for the person outside, although going away is not one of them. Knocking is slightly preferable to trying the door in case there is a forgetful occupant, but not knocking repeatedly or saying what one is undoubtedly thinking.

Anyone inside knows what anyone outside is thinking and, with any luck, starts hurrying. And, Miss Manners assures you, would be all the more annoyed to emerge to an empty hallway.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I will get only six to 10 tickets for my college graduation. I have a clear list of whom I want to invite, but my grandmother keeps pushing me to get extra tickets to include all my aunts, uncles, cousins and other extended family and friends of hers from church.

I disagree because I feel I should invite only those who have helped me along the way, and those who I really want to be there. Most of my extended family either doesn't know me very well, hasn't helped me at all, or has repeatedly hurt or angered me over the years.

Does proper etiquette say I have to use my grandmother's list, or may I use my own list since it's my event?

GENTLE READER: What your grandmother does not seem to understand is that relatives who have hitherto shown no particular interest in you -- let alone her friends, who might not even know you -- will not be thrilled to be invited to your graduation.

In fact -- trust Miss Manners -- they will be annoyed.

It takes a strong emotional involvement with the graduate to make it rewarding to sit in an auditorium (or in the sun or the rain) listening to assorted speeches and several hundred names being called out while dodging parent-armed cameras. Your grandmother feels this involvement and must be invited, but she is dreaming to think that everyone she knows does.

Rather they will be fretting about having to come up with excuses and wondering if this means they have to give you graduation presents. (It doesn't.)

Try explaining to your grandmother, perhaps with the help of whichever parent is her child, that you would feel dreadful about appearing to impose any such obligations on others. This is a more attractive argument than the "my event" one.

If it doesn't work, you will have to fall back on your inability to get the tickets. Your grandmother will conclude that college has not fitted you to fight your way in the world, but so be it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner of 18 years and I traveled to Des Moines, Iowa, where we were married. I am overjoyed that our relationship is recognized legally, even if it is not in our home state.

When we crossed the Mississippi River on the way home from our wedding, we were once again single, at least in the eyes of the law.

I have always introduced Rick as my "partner" but would now like to use the term "husband," just like the rest of the legally married world.

Is it appropriate for me to say "husband," even when we are standing in a spot where that is not true? Is it a term I should use only in places where our marriage is recognized? Is it pretentious for two men to refer to each other as husbands? Am I wrong in wanting somehow to indicate that the legal status of our relationship has changed?

GENTLE READER: Please calm down -- wedding jitters should be over by now.

If you are going to consider yourselves married or unmarried every time you cross a border, you are going to drive yourselves -- and everyone you meet -- crazy. You got married, and are each other's husbands. Miss Manners congratulates you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a student veteran, and I had been dealing with a particular government agency for several months, to no avail, in receiving certain education benefits that were owed to me. It was a frustrating time, and, as a last resort to try and recoup the thousands of dollars my husband and I had spent on my tuition, I contacted my senator's office.

They were fantastically helpful, were able to solve my problem in an afternoon, and soon thereafter I received my benefits. I am really grateful for their assistance, particularly that of one of the staffers. I would love to show my appreciation by sending them a thank-you note. Is this appropriate? If so, how and to whom should it be addressed?

GENTLE READER: To the senator, assuring him of your gratitude and loyalty.

Yes, Miss Manners realizes that he didn't do a thing, and hasn't even heard of your case. You kindly want to praise the generally unsung people on his staff who did.

That is what you do in your second sentence to the senator, mentioning by name the excellence of members of his staff. This will do them more good than addressing them directly, and they are in a position to make sure this gets to his desk.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter married in June 2008, and became very sick four weeks later, diagnosed with a debilitating condition. For the next 18 months, she did her best to keep up with her part time job but had to drop out of college two semesters in a row.

Her devoted new husband, father and I kept the basics in their lives moving along. Unfortunately, there was no way either of them could manage the thank-you notes. She has always been very good at that kind of thing, and I know it weighs heavily on her.

Blessedly, she is now much improved and has the energy to attend classes full time. At this point, I know she is simply humiliated with this situation and thinks it is too late.

I am hoping you might have some words of encouragement for her that it isn't too late. Classes end in mid-May with their second anniversary close behind. Please give us an idea of how to approach this. I just know your advice will help her so this regret doesn't bother her forever.

GENTLE READER: Why didn't she write those letters in the four weeks before she got sick? (How's that for words of encouragement?)

OK, so you've made Miss Manners look heartless. Here is a young lady who has a record for having written thank you letters before she was stricken, and a conscience that makes this omission weigh heavily on her. (So why didn't you make it a priority to relieve her of that weight? Oh, never mind.)

"Too late" won't do, as your daughter realizes. But although Miss Manners generally cautions against giving excuses (claiming one has been "busy" is particularly irritating, as it suggests a fuller life than those of the generous donors), some explanation is needed now that nearly two years have passed.

"I have never forgotten your kindness in giving me the lovely (whatsit)," she might begin. "Throughout my illness these past two years, it has given me pleasure and it always makes me think of you...."

Not even Miss Manners would be heartless enough to resist this approach.

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