DEAR MISS MANNERS: On those evenings when I work late, my son, who is 24 years old, comes and picks me up from work. I'm 58, dress affluently, and look much younger than my age, or so I'm told. My husband will occasionally join us, but most of the time it's just us two.

Last week, as soon as I had gone to the ladies' room, an older woman came up to our table and told my son he was "disgusting" and asked why didn't he date women his own age.

He smiled and asked her how she was certain he didn't date women his own age and reminded her that this was none of her concern anyway. He went on to tell her that, in fact, I'm his mother. She wouldn't believe him and left scowling.

This happens so frequently, and it's usually younger girls and older women who come to our table and insult my son with their rudeness. He says some people are genuinely embarrassed, while others simply argue that they don't believe him.

I've had young girls call out to us, "Awwwwwww, it's a cougar." Another time, a young girl asked my son how a woman of my age could be better than her. The angry glares while I'm trying to enjoy my dinner after a hard day at work are more than I can stand.

I have seen many women out with younger fellows, and most of the time you can see the resemblance and assume they are out with their sons. I really do not care, but this outright rudeness and ignorance is really getting to me. I must conclude that the people who are doing it are downright jealous!

How does one deal with this constant barrage of extreme rudeness?

GENTLE READER: Where are you taking your son to dinner -- singles bars?

Miss Manners realizes that nosiness is rampant in our society, and that scolding strangers is smugly passed off under the name of helpful honesty. But that ordinary restaurants are packed with patrons who feel free to assess and critique one another's choices of dinner partners does strike her as peculiar.

And why would you try to engage with such people? Politeness does not require it, and you know from experience that attempting the defense that they have mistaken the relationship only legitimizes their premise. Unconstrained by manners, they have no hesitation about compounding the insult with charges of lying.

The polite way to snub meddling strangers is to ignore them or say coldly, "I don't believe I know you," while turning away. If this does not discourage them, your next step is to report to management -- within their hearing -- that you are being harassed by rowdy patrons.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I paid for my recent divorce and completed all the paperwork, as well as appearing in court with a witness. Immediately following the court date, my now-ex e-mailed me asking how the divorce went and enclosed a link, which turned out to be a newspaper engagement announcement to his soon-to-be-fourth wife.

This announcement had obviously taken place before the divorce was finalized. By the way, I am very welcome to fly up to attend the wedding! Your take on this, please, manners-wise.

GENTLE READER: That it sounds pathetically like "See? At least someone loves me!"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I graciously allowed a friend to live with us, rent free, for about a year while she made an amazing recovery from severely disabling chronic pain. She was unfailingly cheerful throughout this.

But as she recovered her energy, she tried to repay us by improving our house and perhaps our marriage. She first replaced our nightlights, which work in a power failure, by ones which do not. Things then went downhill.

Her final behavior became consistent with a serious attempt to unseat me as my husband's wife. It all ended when I wrote her an exquisitely polite Victorian eviction notice, which she heeded. Peace was restored.

Could I have reacted earlier to prevent a crisis? How does one politely respond to a guest who rearranges the living room and pressures one to buy clothes and household furnishings?

And what is the proper response to a woman who lavishly praises one's husband or marriage?

Mind you, my marriage is strong and my husband truly remarkable in many ways. However, overt praise and envy from other women have been rare and in the past associated with flagrant attempts to pry a husband loose, so it raises an orange or red flag with me.

GENTLE READER: That you are in red alert, or orange alert (Miss Manners gets those airport alarms confused) is understandable. Rearranging the rooms and criticizing their contents is a high crime on the part of a guest.

At the first sign of improving the premises, you should say sympathetically, "I see you are eager to have a place of your own so you can arrange it as you wish. That is so understandable, although we have loved having you here. Let us know when you have made other arrangements."

But complimenting the husband? In a strong marriage, that should delight the wife. Is there more history here than you are telling Miss Manners? One does not normally think of a husband as capable of being pried loose, as if he were, well, stuck.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At what age of a person is it where they are not included as "and family" on an invitation?

My nephew planned a party for his 60th birthday and sent out invitations to friends and family members, like me. On the envelope, "and family" was added to my name.

Several cousins of my nephew did not receive invitations but were included on the parents' invitation. They are upset and will not attend because of this. I never gave it much thought and was not upset. Is there a rule for this?

GENTLE READER: "And family" stands for "I can't remember your children's names" and is thus never flattering. Age has nothing to do with it.

It is also dangerously vague: Many of the guests in this case seem to be members of the host's family, and no doubt they may have plenty of other family members, so it could have turned into quite a large party.

Miss Manners can think of another rule that is relevant here: Don't get all huffy at the little etiquette mistakes of people who mean well, or they wouldn't be attempting to issue you invitations, however awkwardly.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper thing to do when someone falls asleep drunk at the dinner table?

At a formal business dinner on a cruise ship, I was seated at a table of eight, where no one knew anyone else. One lady, in her 60s, who was obviously quite drunk, plopped down next to me and ordered a drink.

We all made our introductions and began to chat about the special occasion we were attending. Shortly after finishing our appetizers, the drunken lady fell asleep. Head down on her chest, she began snoring.

We were all quite shocked by this and rather amused. We discussed what to do and came to the conclusion that we would just leave her alone. On she slept, until suddenly she awoke with a start and began to moan. Then she began to howl loudly and look around wildly.

People dining at adjoining tables stopped and stared in our direction. We were all mortified, but I must say, also entertained. I began to shake with silent laughter and found I could not stop.

The lady to the left of the drunkard spoke calmly to her and managed to get her settled down. She became quiet and stared into space. We resumed our conversation, acting like nothing strange had happened.

As dessert was served, she began to burp. Then she raised her napkin to her mouth and began to make retching sounds. Fearing an explosion, I immediately slid my chair as far away as possible, and waited for her to blow. Fortunately, she did not vomit.

As she began to wobble in her chair, one gentleman at our table got up and offered to assist her to her cabin. She rose on legs like wet noodles and propped up on his arm, she staggered from the dining room.

I feel there was a better way we could have handled it. I have turned it over in my mind many times and concluded the appropriate thing would have been to ask the maitre d' to contact the ship's doctor and have her taken out in a wheel chair. Summoning the doctor when she first fell asleep would have been the best time, had we known how drunk she was.

But not knowing how bad off she was, we did not see the need to take action then. When she nearly vomited, she became a real liability at our table. The gentleman who led her away was very gallant.

Besides my uncontrollable fit of silent laughter, did we do anything wrong? What would you have done had you been there?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would have failed to be amused at someone in distress, regardless of the cause.

Therefore she would have acted out of concern for the lady's safety and dignity (escorting her to her cabin or asking the staff to do so, and notifying the doctor to look in on her) rather than waiting until she developed concerns for her own clothes and the tablecloth.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to shush a friend who is talking to another person during a performance, and disturbing those around us who want to listen to the performance? A friendship was destroyed over this.

GENTLE READER: It is always rude to shush a friend. However, Miss Manners considers it a courtesy to alert a friend, through a gentle tap and kind look, to the fact that she is inadvertently disturbing others.

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