DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I graciously allowed a friend to live with us, rent free, for about a year while she made an amazing recovery from severely disabling chronic pain. She was unfailingly cheerful throughout this.

But as she recovered her energy, she tried to repay us by improving our house and perhaps our marriage. She first replaced our nightlights, which work in a power failure, by ones which do not. Things then went downhill.

Her final behavior became consistent with a serious attempt to unseat me as my husband's wife. It all ended when I wrote her an exquisitely polite Victorian eviction notice, which she heeded. Peace was restored.

Could I have reacted earlier to prevent a crisis? How does one politely respond to a guest who rearranges the living room and pressures one to buy clothes and household furnishings?

And what is the proper response to a woman who lavishly praises one's husband or marriage?

Mind you, my marriage is strong and my husband truly remarkable in many ways. However, overt praise and envy from other women have been rare and in the past associated with flagrant attempts to pry a husband loose, so it raises an orange or red flag with me.

GENTLE READER: That you are in red alert, or orange alert (Miss Manners gets those airport alarms confused) is understandable. Rearranging the rooms and criticizing their contents is a high crime on the part of a guest.

At the first sign of improving the premises, you should say sympathetically, "I see you are eager to have a place of your own so you can arrange it as you wish. That is so understandable, although we have loved having you here. Let us know when you have made other arrangements."

But complimenting the husband? In a strong marriage, that should delight the wife. Is there more history here than you are telling Miss Manners? One does not normally think of a husband as capable of being pried loose, as if he were, well, stuck.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At what age of a person is it where they are not included as "and family" on an invitation?

My nephew planned a party for his 60th birthday and sent out invitations to friends and family members, like me. On the envelope, "and family" was added to my name.

Several cousins of my nephew did not receive invitations but were included on the parents' invitation. They are upset and will not attend because of this. I never gave it much thought and was not upset. Is there a rule for this?

GENTLE READER: "And family" stands for "I can't remember your children's names" and is thus never flattering. Age has nothing to do with it.

It is also dangerously vague: Many of the guests in this case seem to be members of the host's family, and no doubt they may have plenty of other family members, so it could have turned into quite a large party.

Miss Manners can think of another rule that is relevant here: Don't get all huffy at the little etiquette mistakes of people who mean well, or they wouldn't be attempting to issue you invitations, however awkwardly.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper thing to do when someone falls asleep drunk at the dinner table?

At a formal business dinner on a cruise ship, I was seated at a table of eight, where no one knew anyone else. One lady, in her 60s, who was obviously quite drunk, plopped down next to me and ordered a drink.

We all made our introductions and began to chat about the special occasion we were attending. Shortly after finishing our appetizers, the drunken lady fell asleep. Head down on her chest, she began snoring.

We were all quite shocked by this and rather amused. We discussed what to do and came to the conclusion that we would just leave her alone. On she slept, until suddenly she awoke with a start and began to moan. Then she began to howl loudly and look around wildly.

People dining at adjoining tables stopped and stared in our direction. We were all mortified, but I must say, also entertained. I began to shake with silent laughter and found I could not stop.

The lady to the left of the drunkard spoke calmly to her and managed to get her settled down. She became quiet and stared into space. We resumed our conversation, acting like nothing strange had happened.

As dessert was served, she began to burp. Then she raised her napkin to her mouth and began to make retching sounds. Fearing an explosion, I immediately slid my chair as far away as possible, and waited for her to blow. Fortunately, she did not vomit.

As she began to wobble in her chair, one gentleman at our table got up and offered to assist her to her cabin. She rose on legs like wet noodles and propped up on his arm, she staggered from the dining room.

I feel there was a better way we could have handled it. I have turned it over in my mind many times and concluded the appropriate thing would have been to ask the maitre d' to contact the ship's doctor and have her taken out in a wheel chair. Summoning the doctor when she first fell asleep would have been the best time, had we known how drunk she was.

But not knowing how bad off she was, we did not see the need to take action then. When she nearly vomited, she became a real liability at our table. The gentleman who led her away was very gallant.

Besides my uncontrollable fit of silent laughter, did we do anything wrong? What would you have done had you been there?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would have failed to be amused at someone in distress, regardless of the cause.

Therefore she would have acted out of concern for the lady's safety and dignity (escorting her to her cabin or asking the staff to do so, and notifying the doctor to look in on her) rather than waiting until she developed concerns for her own clothes and the tablecloth.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to shush a friend who is talking to another person during a performance, and disturbing those around us who want to listen to the performance? A friendship was destroyed over this.

GENTLE READER: It is always rude to shush a friend. However, Miss Manners considers it a courtesy to alert a friend, through a gentle tap and kind look, to the fact that she is inadvertently disturbing others.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A dear friend of many years has fallen on hard times. She is a single mother and her son will be starting college in the fall. She has confided to a mutual friend that she is worried that she may not be able to afford the costs. Her son is a wonderful young man, and I would like to help both of them out. He has a scholarship for his tuition, and I would like to pay his room and board for the upcoming year.

I am thinking of contacting the school and simply paying the room and board and asking them to tell her it was part of the scholarship, but this seems dishonest. However, my friend is a very proud woman and I do not want to embarrass her in any way, and I'm afraid telling her I want to pay the room and board would make her uncomfortable.

What is the most polite way to handle such a situation? Is there a general rule for giving money to a friend in need? This would be a gift -- no repayment would be expected.

GENTLE READER: Here is what Miss Manners would say to her dear friend if she were you:

"I've been thinking for some time now about giving to student aid -- not exactly endowing a scholarship, which is a bit beyond me, but contributing to the living costs of some worthy student. Of course, it would be great fun for me if it were someone whose career I could follow -- indirectly, because I wouldn't want the student to feel obligated.

"Well, I've chosen your Brandon. He's a wonderful young man, and I'd love to be part of the success I know he will have. So here's the donation. No, don't protest -- it's not for you. It's my fund, and Brandon won it. Please don't try to deny me this pleasure -- and anyway, you can't, because the committee's decision to award it to Brandon is final."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My cousin had about 60 people at her wedding and complained of receiving very little in the way of wedding gifts.

While my aunt and I were appalled by this, my mother got awful angry at me for "expecting gifts." I replied that it was not polite to not give a gift if you attend a wedding, and that this IS shocking.

Well, she and I are both stuck with our opinions and we wanted to know your opinion.

GENTLE READER: Can you handle a paradox?

It is that wedding guests are expected to give presents, but the expected recipients (and their families) are wrong to expect them.

Huh?

Bear with Miss Manners on this, please.

It is true that it is customary for wedding guests to be so moved by the occasion that they want to offer a tangible symbol of their pleasure. Or they want to be thought so. Or, if they really don't care, they should stay home.

At the same time, it is a violation of the hospitality that is being offered to expect a return. One is supposed to be pleasantly surprised to receive any presents. And it is horrid to speak of guests as if they had run out on a restaurant without paying the bill.

: