DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am pretty small, only 5 feet 1 inch and 115 pounds. However, I have unusually huge breasts. I would like to know how to respond to the comments and questions, such as "Wow, how much do they weigh? What is your bra size?" or other such things.

Also, how do I let people (mostly men) know that no matter how much they talk to my breasts, they have never responded.

GENTLE READER: In such cases silence is best, accompanied by a frosty look. But since Miss Manners gathers that even those who ask you questions are not likely to observe a frosty look, she suggests going above their heads, as it were, to say "I beg your pardon" before turning away.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My younger brother and I both have big smiles, medium skin tone, and dark brown hair and eyes. Most people would never know to look at us that we don't share DNA (he's adopted).

When we're out together, people often comment that we look alike. I never know quite how to respond. Just saying "thanks" seems to be a lie by omission, as the speaker clearly intends to be commenting on our genetic connection.

But saying something like, "Which is funny, given that we're not genetically related at all" seems like a rude way to induce the truth. Can you recommend a better response?

GENTLE READER: Lies? The ruthless truth?

Who is trailing you and probing into your genetic makeup? The FBI? Interpol?

Or -- if Miss Manners dares suggest it -- could these be trite, offhand remarks by people just making conversation?

Apparently you and your brother do look alike. Lots of unrelated people do. Each of you should say he is flattered to be thought to look like the other, and then leave it at that.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work as a hotel's chief concierge and have always tried to be proper in our dealings with our guests. We were taken to task regarding the use of "folks" as a form of address, and I understand the concern. But we have yet to be presented with an alternative!

The English language just doesn't work sometimes. How do you greet a couple when they approach the Concierge desk? Or a group of three that are not of the same sex? (If it's all male, then "Good morning, gentlemen" or "Good morning, ladies" if they are women works just fine) -- but what of our couple -- "Good morning Mr. & Mrs?" I don't think so. Almost every other language has a word (m'sieur dame, signora signore) even Japanese has "minnasama."

So I pose the question to you -- what do you do? Oh yes, great if you know their name "Good morning, Mr. & Mrs. McGillicuddy" but if you don't -- and there is our dilemma, Miss Manners, in a nutshell.

GENTLE READER: The English language works fine -- you just have to use more of it. "Good morning, madam; good morning, sir." Or in the case of two and one, "Good morning madam; good morning, gentlemen." Miss Manners points out that the added effort will give you the opportunity to direct a smile at each of them.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 16-year-old cousin recently had a baby. Although I think she is still too young to have children, I keep my opinions to myself, and am genuinely happy for her and her healthy baby.

The problem is, whenever I visit her, her aunts and other people I hardly talk to start telling me that I should have children by now and that my younger cousin "beat me" to parenthood, as if it were some sort of competition.

They also inquire as to why I am still single. It has become so uncomfortable for me that I haven't been to her house in months.

How do I answer these questions without sounding snobbish and condescending? I turned 18 a few months ago and resent being pressured into a relationship and parenthood by people I do not particularly care about.

GENTLE READER: Frankly, Miss Manners doesn't much care for them, either, even though, not being her relatives, they have not gotten around to goading her.

But why don't you visit when they are absent? Is that impossible because the aunts are living with her and taking care of the baby? If so, try asking them cheerfully if they will promise to rear all of yours when you have decided that the proper time has come for you to have them.

And you can always exclaim, "I know! Eighteen and still single and childless! My life is a failure. But you should be grateful that little Jayden has a doting spinster cousin."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My mother and I recently concluded a lawsuit over the wrongful death of my father, who passed away a year ago from a disease caused by asbestos exposure.

We were able to settle, before going to trial, for a sum larger than our attorney had anticipated (hundreds of thousands of dollars) because, in large part, of the deposition given by one of my father's former coworkers. He gave of his time and had planned to take a day off work to testify at the trial.

My mother and I don't know him well, but we would like to express our gratitude for his concern for our family and what we consider to be a tribute to my father's memory. We have already sent him a gift basket of baked goods with a short note. What else is in order to express our thanks? Should we take him and his wife out to dinner? Give a financial gift to compensate him for his time?

GENTLE READER: What many people do not realize in this rather greedy age is that giving money is not always welcome. Should you offer to do so, Miss Manners would hope that the gentleman would say stiffly that he was only doing his duty and that he has no wish to be a paid witness.

You have sent a modest present and a note, which, although short, presumably expressed your appreciation. A dinner invitation would be suitable if you want to continue the relationship with this worthy gentleman.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it or is it not appropriate to send a thank you note written on stationery with the words "thank you" preprinted on it? I was always taught that because the point of the note is for one to express her own thanks, only plain or personal stationery may be used -- nothing that already says "thank you."

But these cards are pervasive, so I wonder if the advice I received was incorrect. I know, I know, in this day and age one should be pleased with any handwritten thank you.

GENTLE READER: So why would anyone take the trouble to handwrite one's thanks and then herald it with a canned, mass-produced version of those words? Do people think that a letter needs to announce its subject, like an e-mail?

Oh, well. Miss Manners is among those who choose to be grateful for letters of thanks without scrutinizing them too carefully.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you feel about the use in an obituary of a photo of the deceased when he/she was much younger than at the age at which he/she had died?

I have the typical face of a woman my age, 78 -- wrinkled, sagging skin and thin, graying hair. A photo of me at 26 shows a very attractive, vibrant young woman, and this is how I would like my friends to remember me. (And it would send a message to my much younger friends: No matter how beautiful or handsome you are now, you, too, will one day be old, wrinkled and gray if you live long enough.)

I have reached the age where reading the obituary columns in the paper every day has become a habit. In the part of the country where I now live, the use of a younger photo is about 50 percent.

How do you feel about disclosing the cause of death in an obituary? I see this in very few write-ups, yet, when you hear that someone has died, the first thing everyone wants to know is what caused their death.

I think that the disclosure could be a wake-up call for a lot of people, for instance, to learn that the heavy smoker died of lung cancer, that the heart patient who did not watch his weight died of a heart attack, etc. By this, I don't mean that you mention the person was a heavy smoker, of course! -- only that the cause of death was lung cancer. (If you knew him, you already know that he was a heavy smoker.)

I will do my very best to stay alive until you have time to answer this, only because I want to know your opinion -- good etiquette or not, I intend to have my young photo used and the cause of death disclosed in my obituary!

GENTLE READER: Newspapers and magazines have their own policies about photographs and mentioning causes of death, with which you cannot argue. Especially when you are dead.

For a funeral program or Web site posting, you can decide what you like -- Miss Manners is not inclined to condemn last wishes -- and even use more than one picture.

Thankfully, however, you are still alive, so she has time to address the taste aspects. Her motive is not to give you a glamorous death but a brighter outlook on life.

The friends who mourn you will be interested in how you looked when young, but unless they knew you then, they are not likely to roll back 52 years when they remember you. If you are dear to them, it will be as they knew you. And you don't want them to skip reading the obituary because they don't recognize the picture.

Miss Manners worries about your attitude toward those younger friends. Yes, it is true that everyone alive grows older and eventually dies, and also that the young, although they know this, do not believe it will happen to them personally. Some people specialize in reminding them, whether to urge them to prepare for Judgment Day or to enjoy life while they can.

Which do you hope to do posthumously? Please reassure Miss Manners that your objective is not to dampen the spirits of your pretty, young friends.

As for the cause of death, yes, we all find that interesting, and many notices do include that. But your examples also show an edge, a satisfaction that the death seems to be the dead person's fault.

It is natural for those still alive to think that since they don't smoke, or are not overweight, it will not happen to them. Miss Manners does not want to disillusion anyone on that point, which may lead to good behavior.

But it is another version of the unkind attitude you resent in the young in regard to the old. And Miss Manners believes that those who are not always measuring themselves against others, one way or the other, lead happier lives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just finished watching "Gone with the Wind," and noticed that Clark Gable looked dashing in his cape, or cloak, or whatever it should be called.

Is a gentleman permitted to wear such things anymore? If so (and I do hope the answer is yes), then when?

GENTLE READER: When you are wearing evening clothes. Or when the lady who accompanies you is wearing the drawing room curtains.

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