DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you feel about the use in an obituary of a photo of the deceased when he/she was much younger than at the age at which he/she had died?

I have the typical face of a woman my age, 78 -- wrinkled, sagging skin and thin, graying hair. A photo of me at 26 shows a very attractive, vibrant young woman, and this is how I would like my friends to remember me. (And it would send a message to my much younger friends: No matter how beautiful or handsome you are now, you, too, will one day be old, wrinkled and gray if you live long enough.)

I have reached the age where reading the obituary columns in the paper every day has become a habit. In the part of the country where I now live, the use of a younger photo is about 50 percent.

How do you feel about disclosing the cause of death in an obituary? I see this in very few write-ups, yet, when you hear that someone has died, the first thing everyone wants to know is what caused their death.

I think that the disclosure could be a wake-up call for a lot of people, for instance, to learn that the heavy smoker died of lung cancer, that the heart patient who did not watch his weight died of a heart attack, etc. By this, I don't mean that you mention the person was a heavy smoker, of course! -- only that the cause of death was lung cancer. (If you knew him, you already know that he was a heavy smoker.)

I will do my very best to stay alive until you have time to answer this, only because I want to know your opinion -- good etiquette or not, I intend to have my young photo used and the cause of death disclosed in my obituary!

GENTLE READER: Newspapers and magazines have their own policies about photographs and mentioning causes of death, with which you cannot argue. Especially when you are dead.

For a funeral program or Web site posting, you can decide what you like -- Miss Manners is not inclined to condemn last wishes -- and even use more than one picture.

Thankfully, however, you are still alive, so she has time to address the taste aspects. Her motive is not to give you a glamorous death but a brighter outlook on life.

The friends who mourn you will be interested in how you looked when young, but unless they knew you then, they are not likely to roll back 52 years when they remember you. If you are dear to them, it will be as they knew you. And you don't want them to skip reading the obituary because they don't recognize the picture.

Miss Manners worries about your attitude toward those younger friends. Yes, it is true that everyone alive grows older and eventually dies, and also that the young, although they know this, do not believe it will happen to them personally. Some people specialize in reminding them, whether to urge them to prepare for Judgment Day or to enjoy life while they can.

Which do you hope to do posthumously? Please reassure Miss Manners that your objective is not to dampen the spirits of your pretty, young friends.

As for the cause of death, yes, we all find that interesting, and many notices do include that. But your examples also show an edge, a satisfaction that the death seems to be the dead person's fault.

It is natural for those still alive to think that since they don't smoke, or are not overweight, it will not happen to them. Miss Manners does not want to disillusion anyone on that point, which may lead to good behavior.

But it is another version of the unkind attitude you resent in the young in regard to the old. And Miss Manners believes that those who are not always measuring themselves against others, one way or the other, lead happier lives.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just finished watching "Gone with the Wind," and noticed that Clark Gable looked dashing in his cape, or cloak, or whatever it should be called.

Is a gentleman permitted to wear such things anymore? If so (and I do hope the answer is yes), then when?

GENTLE READER: When you are wearing evening clothes. Or when the lady who accompanies you is wearing the drawing room curtains.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the correct response when people tell me to smile?

I am not at a photographer's studio or where photos are being taken. I'm just going about my business.

The other evening, I was waiting for my husband to bring the car around to the door to go home from a social function we had attended. An acquaintance was getting her coat at the coat check. We exchanged some pleasantries when out of the blue she told me to smile.

I told her that really annoys me when people say that to me. After a few moments of uncomfortable silence, we bid each other goodnight.

This request to smile has happened to me more than once. I am a reserved person and not one who goes around grinning from ear to ear. I'm not sad or mad. I'm just me.

How should I handle this request? Am I obligated to give them a big toothy smile? Was I rude to my acquaintance? Do I owe her an apology? I am perplexed by this command.

GENTLE READER: It is indeed both common and rude to command others to smile, as if this conferred a favor by improving their outlook on life.

Miss Manners was once told this by a stranger on an airplane, although she was dressed in black from head to toe, on her way to attend a funeral. Later she regretted that she had restrained herself from bursting into tears.

Still, your chastising the offender was rude. You could have conveyed the point politely by asking, "Why? Did you say something amusing?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have been paying for our granddaughters' private elementary school tuition. We would like the other grandparents (my son-in-law's parents) to take turns or to share the costs with us.

Should we ask them directly by phone, write them a letter or ask my son-in-law to speak to them?

GENTLE READER: It seems fair enough, doesn't it? After all, the children are their grandchildren, too. So why does Miss Manners smell disaster?

It is because although your generosity is commendable, it does not give you license to demand it from others. Aside from its not being your business, you cannot know these people's resources, priorities and obligations.

Oh, yes, you say. They take expensive cruises, bought a new car, wear fancy clothes or whatever else you may have observed. Sorry, that does not count. It is still not your money.

What you may do is tell your daughter and son-in-law that you are finding the tuition bills something of a strain and would like to cut back to half if other resources can be found short of removing the children from their school.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a time limit after which one should not offer an apology for fear of raising a hopefully long-forgotten ugly experience back into the mind of the one offended?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners has news for you: They remember. And no, there is no statute of limitations absolving you of apologizing. You just have to do so more abjectly.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How would you deal with a tour guide who is prejudiced against Americans? On a trip to Great Britain, which was great fun, we had one exception -- an English tour guide who never ceased to berate our group for all the ills of the world (LOL, including Mrs. Wallis Simpson from years back).

The group as a whole just held their collective breathes whenever near her, kept a low profile and endeavored not to be rude. Afterward, there was a discussion as to how to defuse the situation without pushing the offending party off the bus. Any suggestions for next time?

GENTLE READER: Americans are so tolerant of national criticism that Miss Manners doesn't know whether to commend our good nature or deplore our lack of pride. It is not rude to object to your country's being insulted.

But she certainly admires the nerve of a British tour guide berating America to American clients. Wallis Simpson! If the guide wanted to discuss royal scandals, Miss Manners can think of a lot more recent ones that the British conducted without any help from us.

One way to handle this would be to take it as teasing and start mentioning those scandals, and perhaps other embarrassments in British history, such as losing at war with the United States. Another would be to say stiffly, "We respect your country, and we would appreciate it if you would return the courtesy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a live-in nanny, I share a home, and therefore a mailing address with my employers. I greatly appreciated a gift from them and wrote a card thanking them for it, which I mailed.

My boss said that it was silly to mail a card to someone you see regularly.

I was taught that one should always mail thank-you notes, both because it is more formal, and because it gives the recipient the added pleasure of receiving personal mail. Who is right?

GENTLE READER: A great many people now hold your notion, which Miss Manners finds odd. Historically, the opposite was true. Hand delivery was considered the only correct formal way of delivering a message -- but that was by people who employed footmen for the task.

When those were in short supply and they had to resort to the public post, they used two envelopes, so that the real message was addressed as before, with only the name of the recipient. And that, dear children, is why two envelopes are used for wedding invitations to this very day.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have had a long-standing discussion on the appropriateness and politeness of the phrases: "Please" and "May I." I feel that the request "May I have the sugar?" is as polite as "Can you please pass the sugar?" My husband feels that if the request does not contain the word "please" then it's not polite, and if you use "May I," you need to tack on the word "Please," as in, "May I have the sugar, please?" We would enjoy having your thoughts on this debate.

GENTLE READER: Your husband may enjoy Miss Manners' thought more than you: He is correct.

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