DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I attended a social function where we were meeting a lot of new people. I had a very bad cold, although I had taken some cold medicine so it wasn't blatantly obvious.

When people tried to shake my hand I would say, "I'm sorry, but I have a terrible cold and I don't want to get you sick, but it's a pleasure to meet you."

After we left my husband was angry and said that everyone thought I was either stuck up or a crazy germophobe. Now I'm embarrassed to see any of these people again.

I honestly didn't mean to offend, but I'm a nurse and I know that's one of the best ways to pass germs around. I just didn't want to be a Typhoid Mary and spread my illness to everyone.

I thought I was doing the polite thing. Do I owe these people an apology?

GENTLE READER: For trying to avoid giving these people your cold? No. For not trying hard enough? Yes.

Miss Manners is neither a nurse nor what you call a crazy germophobe. But she can tell you that the new people you met socially did not consider it a pleasure to meet someone with a terrible cold. And she can understand your embarrassment about encountering anyone who may have caught it.

Next time, please stop worrying about the cover-up. Just stay home.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know there are a lot of etiquette rules regarding weddings, but this is a new one for me: My husband and I were invited to the wedding of a couple we both know and like. We do not have a lot of mutual friends, so we won't know many people at the wedding besides the bride and groom and two other people. My husband will be out of town on the day, so I wanted to bring a friend (male, but with my husband's approval) so that I would have someone to talk to and enjoy the wedding with.

My mother says that since the invitation was to "Mr. and Mrs. Smith," I cannot just bring along another, who would be a stranger to the couple.

I say two of us were invited and two of us should be able to go. What say you?

GENTLE READER: Really? The idea is new to you that people invite specific people to a wedding, rather than issuing tickets that say "Admit two"?

Miss Manners asks you to think back to your own wedding, when you weighed each name on the guest list. Would you have been just as happy if those you chose to invite had passed on their invitations had chosen substitute companions (so they wouldn't be bored having to meet your other guests)?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Under what circumstances is it permissible to taste a bite of a dining companion's food in a restaurant? My mother and I have always traded "bites" by placing a small portion on the edge of the plate of the other, or alternatively passing a small amount on a clean bread-and-butter dish. My husband is appalled by this practice. What say you?

GENTLE READER: That it would be a good idea for you to stay out of your husband's plate.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As an educator of middle and high school students for 20 years, I have had my share of interesting comments and have learned how to handle the majority of them politely and appropriately.

However, one that I still struggle with is when students ask questions about my personal appearance, such as if I color my hair, for example. Of course I believe it is none of their business but have learned that answering as such only escalates their interest.

I feel that although, in the big scheme of things, they could ask much worse questions, part of my job is also teaching them life skills, and I want to respond in such a way that they understand the inappropriateness of asking personal questions of those they do not have a personal relationship with. Do you have any suggestions of what I might say in response that would close matters such as these?

GENTLE READER: Who can doubt that teaching people not to ask nosy questions is a much-needed skill in our society?

Miss Manners is aware that you also want to encourage inquiring young minds, and that you may even have urged your students to ask you anything. So while you may dismiss these questions by saying pleasantly (as opposed to defensively) "I don't discuss personal matters," you are right to make them understand why. Especially before they start asking you about your love life.

Nowadays, you will have to begin by explaining the concept of privacy. This will not be easy at a time when it is believed that anything not paraded around in public must be a source of shame. One example might be how they feel when their parents tell cute stories about when they were babies -- nothing to be ashamed of, but not something they enjoy having spread.

Still, the young will have trouble understanding the concept of information that is kept for private enjoyment or withheld exactly because one does not want to conduct a poll about it (which is the inevitable sequel to that unwarranted inquiry). But it will be a service to humanity if you are able to introduce them to the lost concept of None of Your Business.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and I just laid our father to rest. We are sending thank you cards, with special cards to all who helped and the small cards supplied by the funeral home to those who came to pay respect.

Do we send cards to family? Our sister has suffered the same loss as ours. What about our father's siblings, his grandchildren and our cousins? Did I mention we have a large family?

GENTLE READER: But it is composed of individuals to whom you are related, is it not?

While you do not thank other survivors for attending the funeral or doing their share of family duties, surely this is the time to reach out to them in your shared grief.

Standard cards would be offensive, and indeed, anyone who has written or paid a call or sent flowers deserves a letter of thanks. What you can do for relatives is to share any evidence of your father's esteem for them, and that is best done directly.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is in desperation I turn to you to teach proper etiquette to the 20-plus crowd for dealing with problems they have with businesses they patronize. I refer to the all-too-common practice of leaving the place in a huff, rushing to the computer, and yelping about the experience over the Internet. The resulting scathing reviews sharply cut into the business's customers and revenues. The damage can be severe. Loyal and appreciative customers can do nothing to repair the victim's reputation.

One extremely popular Web site makes all its money by charging businesses $300 a month both to select which reviews come first on its site and to answer the charges of the negative reviewer. There are reports that businesses who refuse to pay find the good reviews vanishing from their sites and bad reviews taking their place.

I, personally, am horrified by the bad reviews I see. The revered and highly respected ob-gyn who successfully steered me through an extremely difficult twin pregnancy was given a one star review by someone who visited his office once.

She announced to him she had decided not to have children. He engaged her in what he thought was harmless banter. She flounced out and gave him a scathing review. He lost patients. I just related this story to strangers at a coffee shop, and they immediately knew who the doctor was and were amazed that he had a bad review from anyone!

Professional restaurant critics visit restaurants several times with friends before they write their review. While not every review is glowing, all reviews are polite and give credit to the business for knowing its trade.

People who expect and deserve good service from the business they patronize politely bring any shortcomings to the attention of the owner/manager and give them a chance to rectify the situation. They do not yelp!

GENTLE READER: Since your one example is on behalf of your doctor, Miss Manners will assume that you do not have a professional interest in suppressing complaints. But is she mistaken in detecting an edge against all who use this method of making their grievances heard?

She does agree that dissatisfied customers and clients should first complain calmly to the person or business itself. Reputable people have thanked her for doing so, always saying how much they prefer the chance to make amends instead of losing patronage without knowing why.

But not every person or company is conscientious -- or even reachable. Reviews have been a much-needed outlet for those who have been given the Your-Call-Is-Important-to-Us runaround.

Besides, such sites contain recommendations as well as complaints. Why don't you write one for your doctor? Although Miss Manners considers it injudicious, at best, to banter with a patient over an important and emotional issue, she might be swayed by strong evidence of professional competence.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I ask my boyfriend's mother not to address me as her daughter-in-law or my son as her grandson? (He is not her grandson, and she knows that.)

GENTLE READER: Why, exactly, does this annoy you? There are so many para-families these days that it strikes Miss Manners as welcoming of the lady to count you as hers. If you truly want no part of this, the polite way to correct her is to say, "I'm afraid I cannot claim that honor."

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