DEAR MISS MANNERS: It is in desperation I turn to you to teach proper etiquette to the 20-plus crowd for dealing with problems they have with businesses they patronize. I refer to the all-too-common practice of leaving the place in a huff, rushing to the computer, and yelping about the experience over the Internet. The resulting scathing reviews sharply cut into the business's customers and revenues. The damage can be severe. Loyal and appreciative customers can do nothing to repair the victim's reputation.

One extremely popular Web site makes all its money by charging businesses $300 a month both to select which reviews come first on its site and to answer the charges of the negative reviewer. There are reports that businesses who refuse to pay find the good reviews vanishing from their sites and bad reviews taking their place.

I, personally, am horrified by the bad reviews I see. The revered and highly respected ob-gyn who successfully steered me through an extremely difficult twin pregnancy was given a one star review by someone who visited his office once.

She announced to him she had decided not to have children. He engaged her in what he thought was harmless banter. She flounced out and gave him a scathing review. He lost patients. I just related this story to strangers at a coffee shop, and they immediately knew who the doctor was and were amazed that he had a bad review from anyone!

Professional restaurant critics visit restaurants several times with friends before they write their review. While not every review is glowing, all reviews are polite and give credit to the business for knowing its trade.

People who expect and deserve good service from the business they patronize politely bring any shortcomings to the attention of the owner/manager and give them a chance to rectify the situation. They do not yelp!

GENTLE READER: Since your one example is on behalf of your doctor, Miss Manners will assume that you do not have a professional interest in suppressing complaints. But is she mistaken in detecting an edge against all who use this method of making their grievances heard?

She does agree that dissatisfied customers and clients should first complain calmly to the person or business itself. Reputable people have thanked her for doing so, always saying how much they prefer the chance to make amends instead of losing patronage without knowing why.

But not every person or company is conscientious -- or even reachable. Reviews have been a much-needed outlet for those who have been given the Your-Call-Is-Important-to-Us runaround.

Besides, such sites contain recommendations as well as complaints. Why don't you write one for your doctor? Although Miss Manners considers it injudicious, at best, to banter with a patient over an important and emotional issue, she might be swayed by strong evidence of professional competence.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I ask my boyfriend's mother not to address me as her daughter-in-law or my son as her grandson? (He is not her grandson, and she knows that.)

GENTLE READER: Why, exactly, does this annoy you? There are so many para-families these days that it strikes Miss Manners as welcoming of the lady to count you as hers. If you truly want no part of this, the polite way to correct her is to say, "I'm afraid I cannot claim that honor."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 12-year-old girl in middle school, 6th grade. I have a locker right next to this really popular girl.

Because she's so popular, there is a huge group of other popular kids surrounding her locker and mine. It makes it literally impossible for me to get to my locker without shoving my way through. How can I get them to go away without making them never want to talk to me because I'm too "unpopular"?

GENTLE READER: By stopping thinking in those terms. People of your age are particularly prone to judge others by their apparent self-evaluations. If they can sniff out your worry about seeming unpopular, they will brand you as such.

Miss Manners therefore recommends that you assume a cheerful attitude and call out, when necessary, "OK, all Zoe fans to the left, please -- I need to get to my locker."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it inherently rude to one's spouse to remain friends with a former lover?

My husband and I were well into our 40s when we married; as a result, both of us had friends and lovers in our respective pasts. In fact, when my husband and I first became involved, his best friend was a woman, whose friendship I cultivated and who ultimately was one of the attendants in our wedding.

My husband has many female friends and colleagues, as does anyone who works for a living. I would never dream of insisting he give any of them up.

The friendship in question and the correspondence that continues it is neither hidden nor flaunted. All e-mails (perhaps every other month) phone calls (only when he is in the country, maybe twice a year) and visits (once in 25 years) are as proper as those with a male cousin or sibling. There is no immorality or physical relationship.

My friend and I have seen each other through many of life's trials. In fact, our friendship predates my husband by about 20 years. My husband -- whom I love, but whose idea of a social life is to stay in and refuse to answer invitations, while I work from home and generally long for contact with others -- behaves as if I am Madame Bovary.

I say there should be a statute of limitations on such things. The affair took place 30 years and (collectively) four marriages ago. Am I behaving improperly?

GENTLE READER: You say not, and Miss Manners believes you. But the only person who needs to be convinced is your husband. A standard way to accomplish this is to include him in any visits, so that he eventually decides that he would rather trust you than continue to listen to your boring reminiscences.

But since the gentleman lives in another country, you're in for one of those long talks about trust and how thoroughly you trust him with those attractive friends of his, even though nobody knows better than yourself how desirable he is. A throwaway line about there being nothing less romantically tempting than someone who has been tried and found wanting probably wouldn't hurt.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please explain the correct way to seat couples during dinner parties. I was recently at a family event where couples were asked to sit at separate tables. This announcement drew complaints and derision from some who were offended by being told what to do (and forced to deal with their in-laws without backup.)

I think it is a wonderful idea and have since read that during formal state dinners at the White House, this tradition is maintained. Could you lend some guidance on how to entertain in the future with these same couples in mind?

GENTLE READER: It is not only at state dinners, but at any properly run dinner party that couples are seated apart from each other. This heads off the irresistible temptation to break into the telling of family stories with remarks like "No, dear, that was the second time we went there, not the first."

When Miss Manners is told of couples protesting that they can't bear to sit apart even for the length of a meal, she does not take it as evidence of marital devotion. On the contrary, it sounds mighty like distrust. If they have no social interests or skills, they can always stay home.

But you are talking about a family gathering, where everybody has heard everybody's stories, and the tensions are probably just as well known. In that case, a full seating chart, which separates not only couples but potential combatants, would be helpful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are expecting our first child. My parents and his mother are eagerly awaiting their new grandchild. My husband's father doesn't know, and presumably wouldn't care, about the new child, since he abandoned his own family when my husband was young and is now only in occasional contact.

My question is how to answer people who ask how many living grandparents our child will have. If the question is asked socially (as opposed to by a genealogist or geneticist), I am inclined to answer three: my parents and my mother-in-law. What does Miss Manners think?

GENTLE READER: That it is not of great moment to casual questioners how many grandparents your child will have.

Yes, yes, Miss Manners understands that they asked. But that is because there are only so many things one can say to show interest in a not-yet-born baby, or because they are about to launch into a grandparent story of their own.

So she gives you leave to interpret the question as meaning "How many grandparents will this child have to dote on him?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last week I sent a wedding gift to a dear friend who will be getting married this summer. A few days later I received her thank you note, which thanked me for the "engagement gift." Is there a polite way to inform her that it was meant as a wedding gift?

GENTLE READER: Well, there is "Am I the first to send you a wedding present?" But Miss Manners is guessing that the lady will figure it out when you do not follow up by sending a second silver tea service.

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