DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please explain the correct way to seat couples during dinner parties. I was recently at a family event where couples were asked to sit at separate tables. This announcement drew complaints and derision from some who were offended by being told what to do (and forced to deal with their in-laws without backup.)

I think it is a wonderful idea and have since read that during formal state dinners at the White House, this tradition is maintained. Could you lend some guidance on how to entertain in the future with these same couples in mind?

GENTLE READER: It is not only at state dinners, but at any properly run dinner party that couples are seated apart from each other. This heads off the irresistible temptation to break into the telling of family stories with remarks like "No, dear, that was the second time we went there, not the first."

When Miss Manners is told of couples protesting that they can't bear to sit apart even for the length of a meal, she does not take it as evidence of marital devotion. On the contrary, it sounds mighty like distrust. If they have no social interests or skills, they can always stay home.

But you are talking about a family gathering, where everybody has heard everybody's stories, and the tensions are probably just as well known. In that case, a full seating chart, which separates not only couples but potential combatants, would be helpful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are expecting our first child. My parents and his mother are eagerly awaiting their new grandchild. My husband's father doesn't know, and presumably wouldn't care, about the new child, since he abandoned his own family when my husband was young and is now only in occasional contact.

My question is how to answer people who ask how many living grandparents our child will have. If the question is asked socially (as opposed to by a genealogist or geneticist), I am inclined to answer three: my parents and my mother-in-law. What does Miss Manners think?

GENTLE READER: That it is not of great moment to casual questioners how many grandparents your child will have.

Yes, yes, Miss Manners understands that they asked. But that is because there are only so many things one can say to show interest in a not-yet-born baby, or because they are about to launch into a grandparent story of their own.

So she gives you leave to interpret the question as meaning "How many grandparents will this child have to dote on him?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last week I sent a wedding gift to a dear friend who will be getting married this summer. A few days later I received her thank you note, which thanked me for the "engagement gift." Is there a polite way to inform her that it was meant as a wedding gift?

GENTLE READER: Well, there is "Am I the first to send you a wedding present?" But Miss Manners is guessing that the lady will figure it out when you do not follow up by sending a second silver tea service.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend called and we expressed pleasantries about the season and a few other things, but she said that was not why she called me:

"Can you pay a certain bill for me?"

I asked how much? When was it due? I offered to pay one half.

She didn't offer a reply. She didn't say thank you, this will help -- nothing in response. She went on to explain what her financial problems were.

Upon saying goodbye, I told her I would get it to her. She did not acknowledge the response.

Miss Manners, when is it acceptable to ask a friend to pay a bill? There was no promise of repayment. I have traveled with this person on several occasions but always paid my share or whatever was asked of me and always offered dinner or other gifts as a thank you. I drive her whenever we go out and have run errands for her, but I would never consider asking her to pay my car insurance or any other bill.

Am I wrong to feel like I am being taken advantage of? I have not spoken to her since that phone call. Didn't know what to say. I thought friendship was free.

I have no problem helping, but for her to ask directly for a certain amount by a certain date made me feel like a sucker. I am not rich, so I don't know why she would feel like I have money lying around, waiting to be given to other people.

Good to get it off my chest.

GENTLE READER: Did you also send the money off?

Miss Manners hopes not. Even though manners and morals do not always match -- we have all been warned about smooth-talking villains and cads (for all the good it does) -- they do here. Your friend's astounding lack of gratitude makes it clear that she does not feel indebted to you. So Miss Manners believes that the chances of her paying you back, or rendering you a similar favor if you needed it, are nil.

You ask if it is ever acceptable for a friend to ask help with paying a bill. Not ordinarily, but one can imagine a situation in which someone in desperate straits asks for a loan from a close friend. It would begin with a statement of embarrassment at doing so, an assurance of understanding if it were impossible for you, and a clear statement (with an offer to put it in writing) of the money owed, interest suggested and deadline for repayment.

Does this remind you of your encounter with your friend?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am in a long-distance relationship, and whenever this comes up in conversation, I am met with all sorts of nay-saying -- "Oh, that will never work!" and the like. What response would help me express my respect for and faith in my relationship, yet also preserve respect for the people saying these things, which I'm sure are not meant to be hurtful (but often are)?

GENTLE READER: Why would you want to declare your faith to people who feel free to declare their doubt of it?

Miss Manners finds that saying "I appreciate your good wishes" serves as a reminder that that is what they should have offered.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Have I missed some change in the culture of taste and decorum in the last few years?

When we leave work, the security checkpoint requires placing items on a table before going through the magnameter. Often this is just for ease with such things as keys, cigarettes, newspapers, food and the like being placed on the table.

That was, until the other day. One of the ladies also leaving put something down that caused me to do a double take. It was a box of tampons. Not in a bag, or peeking out of a purse, flat on the table like a pack of cigarettes. I guess that takes the mystery out of her product choice.

Did I miss something here? I thought there was a level of decorum still in play despite celebrity disrobing, marriage disposal by politicians and alternate uses of golf clubs.

Or is this the new Bold Age, whereby anything goes, along as you do it in public? I thought on some things the mark had not moved. Could I be wrong?

GENTLE READER: Uh, how do you like the new airport body scanner?

Miss Manners also regrets the passing of modesty, but she makes a distinction among that which is sacrificed to apparent necessity, that which is surrendered voluntarily, and that which is exposed against one's wishes.

If by disrobing, you mean appearing in public scantily dressed (or let us say more scantily dressed than is now customary), that is usually, although not always, voluntary. So it counts as immodest unless you are in the fashion business. But surely you would not condemn a patient who is trying to make it down the clinic corridor in a hospital gown without being recognized.

The revelation of political and celebrity marriage troubles is usually against the will of the participants. But leaving aside the question of how unpalatable the details may be, ordinary citizens in droves are only too eager to reveal their formerly private lives -- on the Internet or television, if possible, and if not, by cornering anyone they can trap. Additionally, much grooming is now done in public, from the salons with picture windows to those who brush their teeth on public transportation.

Miss Manners joins you in deploring all this. But now let us return to your colleague who is leaving work. Perhaps she has been told to empty everything in her purse, or perhaps she forgot what besides shampoo was in her bag from the drugstore. Or perhaps she expects you to be tending to your own belongings rather than peering at hers any more than if you had been in line behind her when she bought them.

In any case, there are enough blatant examples of flagrant immodesty around without bothering this poor lady who is just trying to get home from work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you think it's appropriate for a guest at a funeral to comment negatively to the family afterwards? I think it is insensitive, and I wonder what their motives are.

GENTLE READER: You don't mean, "It is terrible to lose him," do you?

Miss Manners supposes not. She realizes that everyone nowadays fancies himself a critic, but no, it is not a comfort to the bereaved to be told that the funeral got a thumbs-down rating.

: