DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to smell your food at the table?

I grew up in the South and was told time and time again, "You can go anywhere in the country and know what to do at any table if you have good table manners." Having worked at the White House and spent many meals in dining rooms across the country, I have found that to be true.

Smelling food was always off limits, but I need some backup here.

Can you give us your opinion so that I can offer an answer in black and white to my always questioning teenagers, who love to take a whiff of delights that hit our family table? From fresh bread to something they dread eating -- what are the rules?

GENTLE READER: Having worked in the White House, you are aware that there is sometimes a disconnection between behavior that is proper and behavior that appears to be proper. Miss Manners needn't tell you that that which is proper sometimes appears to be improper, and (goodness knows) that which is improper sometimes appears to be proper. And you want your teenagers (as we want our presidents) to appear to be proper, as well as to be proper.

Good food has a delicious aroma, and taking that in is a proper part of the enjoyment of eating. However, if what you and your children mean by "smelling" is putting the nose close and taking a noisy whiff, that is decidedly improper at the table (although doing so in the kitchen and telling the cook, "My, that smells good" is considered endearing). Enjoying the smell is perfectly allowable, provided it is not accompanied by obvious physical gestures.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My beloved adult son is currently incarcerated. When a casual acquaintance asks me how my children are and what they're up to these days, I have no problems being polite but vague.

But when dearer friends with whom I haven't recently spoken ask about them, it becomes a bit more difficult. This is a rather painful subject, one I am not inclined to discuss with many. I also have no wish to violate my son's privacy.

On the other hand, I don't wish to give a friend the impression they were wrong to ask, as the problem is mine, not theirs.

Is there a polite way to let them know that my son is physically well and then change the subject without alarming my friends?

GENTLE READER: There is not much room here between polite-but-vague and tell-all.

Miss Manners would consider it humanly impossible for someone who is told that your son is in jail not to ask, "What is he in for?" And then it is on to which jail and what conditions are like there, and when he is likely to get out.

You have been avoiding this with acquaintances with true but minimal statements about his health. To close friends, you could say something like, "Well, he has difficulties, but nothing I can talk about," and then add, "But you are kind to ask."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is a young man I met through mutual friends at college who has been asking me out. I considered him an acquaintance -- an acquaintance I had become increasingly unfond of.

He likes to be argumentative (I am sure he thinks of it more as intellectual debate), and I have actually found him rather offensive (although I am sure he does not know). I avoid arguing or disagreeing with him, and he now thinks that we have everything in common and lots to discuss.

He has asked me out to lunch/dinner, and it has not been easy to say no. He asks things like, are you free anytime this week? How do I tell someone, who may see me on campus not being busy, that I am available never?

On one occasion I made a move to avoid him (I didn't think it was that obvious), and he asked me about it later (I made up some mostly true excuse).

Do I need to tell him I don't like him, not even as a friend, leave me alone? (He is friends of some good friends of mine and I might have to see him sometimes if I want to see them). Miss Manners, how does a lady navigate this situation?

GENTLE READER: As a rule, Miss Manners does not care for discouraging unwanted suitors by a frank declaration of distaste.

Proponents of this technique argue that it is kinder than the conventional subterfuges that you have employed, because it is quick and final. But the natural temptation to supply reasons means that this quickly descends into insults. And the objects of such talks, having shown themselves insensitive to the euphemistic approach, often bring on their own doom by demanding reasons.

So while you must proceed to a more direct statement, Miss Manners hopes you will keep it civil as well as clear. Say merely, "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested." Should he attempt to pursue the topic, you should repeat, "I don't know, but I am really not interested. Goodbye."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been invited to a baby shower for a friend's second child. The first one is just turning 2 years old. I always thought baby showers were for your first child and you used the baby items again for your second child. To me it seems they are begging for gifts.

My daughter claims this is the norm these days. What is your opinion?

GENTLE READER: That your daughter is right: Begging for gifts is normal these days. It is also vulgar, of course. You are also right that baby showers are supposed to be for the expectation of a baby's appearing in a household not already over-run with baby equipment.

But Miss Manners makes an exception for an informal gathering of the expectant mother's close friends who are moved to make a fuss over her a second -- or fifth -- time. However, the plea that a more formal gathering for the lady's entire acquaintance, complete with those detestable gift registries, would enable the guest of honor to parcel out her shopping is not charming.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was laid off after six years, it was not unexpected -- there had been a change of ownership over a year ago, and it was only a matter of time until the entire "old management team" was replaced. I was actually thankful, considering how unhappy I had been, and the fact that I'm now eligible for unemployment insurance.

But I found that a number of people with whom I worked -- people whom I felt were more than "just work friends" -- have completely ignored me, and have not sent any word, either directly or second-hand, about my departure. Nothing expressing regret, or sadness, wishing me luck, or -- at a minimum -- saying how it was nice to work with me for so long.

One person in particular, who worked very closely with me for the entire time I was there, seems to have forgotten my existence. We have mutual friends who keep checking in with me, even asking me directly "Has she written you yet?" I hesitate to send messages through them, as it's not their place to get involved.

I also hesitate writing directly, for fear that my disappointment will show through, and instead of merely saying "It was a pleasure working with you," I'll somehow show my cards and express my own sadness, even though I know etiquette would rule this out.

Should I write? Perhaps just an innocuous holiday message, and see if she responds in kind? Or is this just my own selfish need for closure, and should I just write it off, knowing she was not the friend I thought she was?

GENTLE READER: She wasn't. Miss Manners can tell you that right now. But with today's workplace so riddled with pseudo-social customs and events, you are hardly the only one unable to distinguish your colleagues from your friends.

Did you see this lady socially, which is to say away from the workplace, not counting lunches, after-work drinks or work-related parties? Did you visit her home and did she visit yours?

You already know the answer to Miss Manners' ultimate test, which she suggests considering while still on the job: If you no longer worked at the same place, would the relationship continue?

Mind you, a colleague with whom you worked closely should have expressed appreciation for you when you left. That many neglect this, through callousness or irrational fear of contamination, is hurtful and rude.

But that those who have been thrown together through work should soon after lose interest in people whom they no longer see daily, and with whom they no longer have such common subjects as work and office gossip, is understandable. They were never really friends.

So while Miss Manners agrees that your colleague should have acknowledged your departure, she can relieve you of the bitterness of thinking that you have been deserted by a friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a specific time in which a bride has to acknowledge wedding gifts with thank you notes?

GENTLE READER: When they arrive. Not, as arrogant rumors put it, a year later, when the giver has forgotten the purchase and remembers only the ingratitude. And not when she is miraculously no longer "busy," a time period that Miss Manners has never known to arrive.

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