DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am thrilled to be planning a dream destination wedding. We have picked a remote spot in an exotic location.

We can afford to have a fabulous wedding day event for anyone that can attend (with a few other activities thrown in); however, we can't afford to cover hotel costs for everyone. We might be able to help with some of the transportation (with miles) but not for everybody. We are hoping that with advance notice, relatives and friends can budget the time and funds necessary to join us.

Many of our friends are looking forward to it. It is the immediate family that will have the most trouble due to cost (it will be expensive), and some family members have health issues that will prevent them from traveling.

They haven't said much. I'm not sure they like the idea. I don't want to offend anyone, but I would like to have this wedding the way I have dreamed about it. Please let me know what costs I'm responsible for and how far does that responsibility extends (to which people). I'm confused.

GENTLE READER: But your immediate family is not. You have made it quite clear that they are not an important part of your dream. Miss Manners thinks you should consider yourself lucky that they haven't said much.

The hosts of a wedding are not responsible for the travel and hotel expenses of their guests. But neither should they be responsible for their families having to do serious financial planning in order to attend.

Admittedly, scattered families and health problems make it difficult to pick a location that is convenient to all. But you are not even trying. Picking up the expenses of all of your close relatives would go a long way to making up for that.

But here's another idea: Hold your wedding in your family's hometown and go to your remote, exotic location on your honeymoon. Of course, you will want to take along all those friends who are able and eager to travel with you.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my duties at work is to release print jobs and collect money for those prints. The container we keep the money in is located at another desk.

When I had to make change for a patron and took the money over to the other desk, a patron/friend of a co-worker was standing behind the desk in front of the money drawer looking at images on my co-worker's computer.

I needed to get in the drawer to get change so I said, "Excuse me." The patron/friend did not move so I said a bit louder, "Pardon me," to which the person replied in a snide tone of voice, "I dunno, what crime did you do?"

I wanted to reply, "Strangling a rude patron" but held my tongue. Could Miss Manners please advise me as to what an acceptable response would have been?

GENTLE READER: "The crime of courtesy. Instead of just saying, 'Get out of my way.'"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I took the father of a young lady I would like to pursue to lunch a few months ago, seeking his permission and approval to date his daughter. After an encouraging lunch and conversation about our relationship, we decided that it would be best to wait until she was done with school for the year.

As we parted ways, I was instructed to wait until he told me it was OK to talk with her. Now, months later, I still haven't heard anything.

Is it wrong to discuss this with him again? I don't want to come across as impatient, as I certainly believe that she is worth the wait, and I trust that he has her best interests in mind. How would you recommend approaching this conversation?

GENTLE READER: What conversation? The one that starts with the premise that the father is willing and the daughter is eager, but somehow they have neglected to inform you?

Let us hope that the gentleman was charmed or amused or both by your use of the 19th-century formality of asking a father's permission to court his daughter. Or perhaps you had rather hoped that the daughter was charmed -- because one of the two has vetoed the idea. And even in Victorian times, as Miss Manners recalls, daughters would ultimately prevail in such matters.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I became parents through adoption of darling twin boys. My brother and his wife, who live about 15 hours away, sent very sweet outfits a few months after the boys were born. We, of course, sent a thank you card. The boys are now 2 years old, and have never received another card or gift from their uncle and aunt.

My husband and I, on the other hand, always send their three children cards and gifts for every birthday and Christmas. No, their children do not ever respond with thank you cards, but we are not going to hold their parents' failure to teach them to do so against them. Nor do we intend to stop sending them gifts.

Is it silly of me to be hurt that my brother and wife, my children's aunt and uncle, more or less ignore the existence of my children? Do I broach this subject with my brother? If not, what do I say to my children when they get older and start asking questions?

GENTLE READER: It is not silly to be hurt when your children are ignored by their close relatives, but that presumes that there is not any warm contact and interest aside from the matter of presents. It is not silly to be hurt when your own overtures to their children are ignored.

But given that your brother and sister-in-law are rude in the latter case, it is not surprising that they are rude in the former one. Miss Manners hopes that you are able to acknowledge that with the equanimity you apply to their children and not harbor thoughts that their rudeness is in any way connected with your sons' being adopted. And your future answer, should your sons inquire, would be, "I don't know. They're pretty lax about such things and don't even acknowledge our presents. So you see why I insist that you boys pay attention to such things."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Upon meeting our little girl for the first time, an acquaintance of ours commented: "She's really cute. Of course she's not nearly as cute as our Eva."

Even though this guy had previously proven that he was socially challenged, we were still amazed that he would say such a thing. I can't remember if we responded, but I seem to remember that we were too dumbfounded and simply stood there with mouths agape at his insensitive comment.

Unfortunately, I was ignorant enough to assume that such a situation would probably never happen again.

I was wrong and it did, with a different group of friends. A fellow with whom we have been friendly for more than a decade saw our daughter for the first time in years and commented, "She's truly a beauty, but not nearly as beautiful as my daughter."

I responded by saying something along the lines of, " I would hope that you would feel that way about your daughter." Then I changed the subject.

I'd like to hear your advice to parents who might consider making such remarks about other people's children as well as what kind of response you would recommend for those of us on the receiving end of such comments.

GENTLE READER: "Isn't it wonderful," Miss Manners' dear mother used to ask, "that God gives us exactly the children we like best?"

And isn't it too bad that some of those children are given obnoxious parents? The parents you encountered are not being cute when they put down your child to brag about their own; they are simply being rude. No doubt they will eventually go on to embarrass their children by finding ways to disparage not just their friends' children, but their children's friends.

Your response, which was not rude but made the point that they are merely bragging, was just right.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My parents taught me to write thank you notes from a young age. I always thought it was proper to specifically name the gift that was given (unless it is cash, when it can be referred to as "the gift"); to mention how you are using it or plan to use it, and to thank them for attending the event, if applicable.

However, my husband insists that it is rude to specifically mention the gift, and the only thing that should be done is to thank the giver for their generosity.

I am in the middle of writing thanks for wedding gifts, and now I am starting to question whether I'm doing it right. I have received two wedding gift thanks in the past where the recipient did not mention the gift itself: one where they simply thanked us for attending the wedding, and one where they vaguely thanked us for "the gift."

Am I right, or have I been breaching thank-you etiquette all these years? It seems absurd that I should act as though the gift is unmentionable (unless it truly is!).

GENTLE READER: Has your husband always relished form letters? Does he generally prefer canned responses to ones that are personal and relevant?

To see if this applies generally, Miss Manners suggests that you ask yourself whether those non-specific letters you received gave you the warm feeling that you had chosen something that pleased the recipients -- or that they even paid attention to who had given them what.

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