DEAR MISS MANNERS: For 20-some years, I have been annoyed by the seemingly universal habit here of people standing cheek-to-jowl with the folks who are checking out ahead of them at retail stores.

I have actually been pushed and shoved by people behind me. Once a woman ran her shopping cart over my heels in her haste. I am youngish, and, I think, reasonably alert; it is not as if I am doddering over coupons or fumbling for my wallet.

Well, today when I was checking out, I found a man at my elbow. He was almost touching my left shoulder (like within half an inch) and in instinctive avoidance reaction, I found that I had had to move several inches away, which made using the ATM appliance awkward, as it was then several inches to my left. My temper boiled over. I told him that standing closer to the register wouldn't hurry things along. I told him he was invading my space and that I didn't want him standing that close.

Needless to say, we exchanged a few snippy remarks -- he seemed incensed that I would take exception to his violation of my space.

I know that Miss Manners would coach me to say, "Excuse me sir, but I would appreciate your not attempting to stand so close -- I am feeling quite uncomfortable with your proximity." But what I want to know is, do you think I was out of line in even saying anything?

GENTLE READER: Just what did you accomplish by speaking out?

Did this person recognize his mistake, apologize and learn from it?

Yet such responses are often reported with pride, as if the result had been something other than turning an accidental annoyance into a nasty public scene.

It has not escaped Miss Manners' notice that you give something of a prissy turn to what you imagine she would say. A simple "Excuse me, sir, could you please give me a little more room?" said pleasantly, would have done.

The important point is that in addition to being polite, it works. Attacked with accusations such as the evil sounding "invading space," people always fight back. If given a face-saving way to retreat, they generally do. So your choice is not nasty or nothing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: If someone is in your home and accidentally breaks something, how should you handle it?

I said you let is go because the person is far more important than the item or the cost of it.

My friend feels that they need to pay for it or replace it. This started with a broken plate. She has been stewing about it for weeks. I would have forgiven and let it go when it happened. We spent some time talking about the value of items and the parental responsibility if a child does the breaking. We are best friends and agreed to disagree, but I am bothered by the issue. What would you do?

GENTLE READER: As breaker, break-ee, or parent of breaker?

In the unlikely event that Miss Manners or someone under her charge broke something, she would insist on replacing it. If a guest broke something of hers, she would insist that they not do so. It seems that you and your friend are both reacting properly.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a man for 2-1/2 years. His wife passed away 6-1/2 years ago. I knew both of them for 30 years.

He continues to refer to his deceased wife as "MY WIFE." He brings her up in every situation to tell a story of what happened in his past. I had to ask him to stop bringing her name up in the bedroom.

I love this man. Is that normal ? Does he bring her up because at one time we were friends? He knows that it bothers me.

GENTLE READER: Why he does this, Miss Manners cannot say. Probably habit, but possibly a warning that the position of wife is not open. But she can tell you how to make him stop.

"You know, dear," you can interject the next time, "it seems disrespectful to poor Catherine Ann for you and me to talk about her here in the bedroom."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were already engaged when we found out I was pregnant last year. We had a quickly planned wedding that was very nice but had very little to do with us. It was mostly a way of keeping the peace with our rather conservative families.

Because of the short notice of our wedding, many of our closest friends who live all over the country were unable to attend. My husband and I would very much like to celebrate with these people.

We aren't sure what we should do. We considered having an anniversary party, but celebrating two years seems rather premature. Should we have a "second" wedding reception that gives enough notice to our friends who have to travel? Is it too late for that? We want absolutely no gifts, just a chance to acknowledge our marriage with our friends. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: It is the thoughts that such a party would arouse in your guests with which you should be concerned. A party honoring yourselves but removed in time from its cause is bound to suggest that you are trolling for wedding presents.

It is not that Miss Manners disapproves of your gathering your friends; only of your naming it as an occasion it is not. Throw as gala a party as you like, and during it, you and your husband can toast your guests by saying that you would have wished to celebrate your wedding with them, but are even happier to do so while you are living happily ever after.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have built our dream home and now are in the process of furnishing it. To my utter exasperation and incredulity, my husband says that he doesn't want any tables (side or centre) in the family room, as he wants free range to horseplay with the children.

The room is quite large (so space is not an issue), we are well within our budget (so his opposition is not financial), and I have suggested wood tables as opposed to glass ones if safety is his concern.

He still refuses. I am upset because I feel it is inappropriate to entertain guests and ask them to put their glasses, cups and plates on the floor, but my husband seems to see nothing wrong with this.

Am I being fussy? Is it commonplace to have no tables in the family room? This seemingly innocuous matter is turning into a contentious issue between us.

GENTLE READER: This is not the home furnishings department, but if Miss Manners can save a marriage, she feels she should.

Put out folding tables when you expect guests.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Of course, the proper reply to the all too common sneeze is a cultural issue. But many people are insulted if one does not provide the common English expression of "Bless you" or "God bless you" addressed to one who sneezes.

Yet there is no basis or known origin for this often-expected reply.

My argument is that one who sneezes should be asking others to "please excuse me" for propelling one's germs and other body fluids into our shared space. However, almost never do I experience an "excuse me."

The situation is made worse by being in the presence of someone with a cold or other condition that causes for repeated sneezing. Am I really to be expected to issue a blessing each and every time someone sneezes?

I am satisfied that someone would ask only once to be excused for having to sneeze for whatever cause, as I understand that they have a problem and that sneezes are often uncontrollable. Of course, taking measures to limit the exposure of the sneeze to others should be expected even more so than either a "blessing" or a "polite pardon" for one's uncontrollable discharge.

Seems to me that the only appropriate and expected response to a sneeze in public is for the sneezer to first and foremost cover up and, if appropriate, excuse oneself. Appropriate means not to interrupt others further by insisting to apologize and certainly not expecting that others would be asked to stop and provide a blessing each and every time a person sneezes.

What is the "socially acceptable to everyone etiquette" for dealing with a public sneezer?

GENTLE READER: Actually, there are many explanations of the origin of this ancient custom -- as superstitions about health or actual religious blessings -- which, Miss Manners supposes, validates your statement that its origin is unknown.

But such is the way with custom. There is no logical reason why sneezes are blessed and coughs are not, and that yawns call forth apologetic explanations but even less decorous physical reflexes are, by common understanding, ignored. Any such pronouncements generally turn out to be bogus or contested.

So people are still blessed at the first sneeze, and asked "Are you all right?" after a series.

But people get accustomed and even emotionally attached to this patchwork of odd little customs. This makes them difficult to change, and the prospect of changing them all to conform to a logical pattern is daunting.

Furthermore, opening the possibility of change brings out the worst in some people. Miss Manners would not like it to become common for sneezes to be met with cries of "Arghh! Get away from me!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I went to use the rest room at a party given by close relatives, I found that it was clean, had toilet paper and soap, but that there was only one hand towel for all of us to dry our hands on. I was pretty concerned about this. The hosts have good incomes and are well educated.

GENTLE READER: But how were their guests educated? It has always puzzled Miss Manners that the only rule still vigorously obeyed even by rude people is a false one: It was apparently drummed into them that nobody is supposed to use the guest towels, not even guests.

Perhaps your hosts got fed up with the lack of use and provided for only the occasional person who actually washed his hands and didn't dry them with toilet paper or on a family bath towel.

But they should not have given up. As a close relative, you can emerge with wet hands and ask for a towel.

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