DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been dating a man for 2-1/2 years. His wife passed away 6-1/2 years ago. I knew both of them for 30 years.

He continues to refer to his deceased wife as "MY WIFE." He brings her up in every situation to tell a story of what happened in his past. I had to ask him to stop bringing her name up in the bedroom.

I love this man. Is that normal ? Does he bring her up because at one time we were friends? He knows that it bothers me.

GENTLE READER: Why he does this, Miss Manners cannot say. Probably habit, but possibly a warning that the position of wife is not open. But she can tell you how to make him stop.

"You know, dear," you can interject the next time, "it seems disrespectful to poor Catherine Ann for you and me to talk about her here in the bedroom."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were already engaged when we found out I was pregnant last year. We had a quickly planned wedding that was very nice but had very little to do with us. It was mostly a way of keeping the peace with our rather conservative families.

Because of the short notice of our wedding, many of our closest friends who live all over the country were unable to attend. My husband and I would very much like to celebrate with these people.

We aren't sure what we should do. We considered having an anniversary party, but celebrating two years seems rather premature. Should we have a "second" wedding reception that gives enough notice to our friends who have to travel? Is it too late for that? We want absolutely no gifts, just a chance to acknowledge our marriage with our friends. Thoughts?

GENTLE READER: It is the thoughts that such a party would arouse in your guests with which you should be concerned. A party honoring yourselves but removed in time from its cause is bound to suggest that you are trolling for wedding presents.

It is not that Miss Manners disapproves of your gathering your friends; only of your naming it as an occasion it is not. Throw as gala a party as you like, and during it, you and your husband can toast your guests by saying that you would have wished to celebrate your wedding with them, but are even happier to do so while you are living happily ever after.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have built our dream home and now are in the process of furnishing it. To my utter exasperation and incredulity, my husband says that he doesn't want any tables (side or centre) in the family room, as he wants free range to horseplay with the children.

The room is quite large (so space is not an issue), we are well within our budget (so his opposition is not financial), and I have suggested wood tables as opposed to glass ones if safety is his concern.

He still refuses. I am upset because I feel it is inappropriate to entertain guests and ask them to put their glasses, cups and plates on the floor, but my husband seems to see nothing wrong with this.

Am I being fussy? Is it commonplace to have no tables in the family room? This seemingly innocuous matter is turning into a contentious issue between us.

GENTLE READER: This is not the home furnishings department, but if Miss Manners can save a marriage, she feels she should.

Put out folding tables when you expect guests.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Of course, the proper reply to the all too common sneeze is a cultural issue. But many people are insulted if one does not provide the common English expression of "Bless you" or "God bless you" addressed to one who sneezes.

Yet there is no basis or known origin for this often-expected reply.

My argument is that one who sneezes should be asking others to "please excuse me" for propelling one's germs and other body fluids into our shared space. However, almost never do I experience an "excuse me."

The situation is made worse by being in the presence of someone with a cold or other condition that causes for repeated sneezing. Am I really to be expected to issue a blessing each and every time someone sneezes?

I am satisfied that someone would ask only once to be excused for having to sneeze for whatever cause, as I understand that they have a problem and that sneezes are often uncontrollable. Of course, taking measures to limit the exposure of the sneeze to others should be expected even more so than either a "blessing" or a "polite pardon" for one's uncontrollable discharge.

Seems to me that the only appropriate and expected response to a sneeze in public is for the sneezer to first and foremost cover up and, if appropriate, excuse oneself. Appropriate means not to interrupt others further by insisting to apologize and certainly not expecting that others would be asked to stop and provide a blessing each and every time a person sneezes.

What is the "socially acceptable to everyone etiquette" for dealing with a public sneezer?

GENTLE READER: Actually, there are many explanations of the origin of this ancient custom -- as superstitions about health or actual religious blessings -- which, Miss Manners supposes, validates your statement that its origin is unknown.

But such is the way with custom. There is no logical reason why sneezes are blessed and coughs are not, and that yawns call forth apologetic explanations but even less decorous physical reflexes are, by common understanding, ignored. Any such pronouncements generally turn out to be bogus or contested.

So people are still blessed at the first sneeze, and asked "Are you all right?" after a series.

But people get accustomed and even emotionally attached to this patchwork of odd little customs. This makes them difficult to change, and the prospect of changing them all to conform to a logical pattern is daunting.

Furthermore, opening the possibility of change brings out the worst in some people. Miss Manners would not like it to become common for sneezes to be met with cries of "Arghh! Get away from me!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I went to use the rest room at a party given by close relatives, I found that it was clean, had toilet paper and soap, but that there was only one hand towel for all of us to dry our hands on. I was pretty concerned about this. The hosts have good incomes and are well educated.

GENTLE READER: But how were their guests educated? It has always puzzled Miss Manners that the only rule still vigorously obeyed even by rude people is a false one: It was apparently drummed into them that nobody is supposed to use the guest towels, not even guests.

Perhaps your hosts got fed up with the lack of use and provided for only the occasional person who actually washed his hands and didn't dry them with toilet paper or on a family bath towel.

But they should not have given up. As a close relative, you can emerge with wet hands and ask for a towel.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter recently sent out beautiful handmade invitations. Simply put, the invitations invite you to join me as I celebrate my 50th birthday. It gives the date, time and place and asks each guest to RSVP along with their choice of four entrees. That's it.

Last night, I ran into one of the invited guests and mentioned the upcoming party. Sadly, she told me that they would be unable to attend because "they couldn't afford it." Once my confusion had passed, I asked if she could afford "free." I explained that it was my party and that they were invited to be my guests.

I would never dream of throwing a party and expecting my guests to pay for themselves. In fact, I find the trend appalling. I can't imagine how a formal invitation could be so misunderstood. What am I missing?

GENTLE READER: You are missing the pitiful sight of Miss Manners sobbing, with her head on her desk. Has it really come to this -- that genuine hospitality has become so rare that people now expect any invitation to require payment?

The comparatively recent phenomenon of the annual adult birthday party is especially suspect. Mimicking the children's event, many people give such parties for themselves or their relatives, using the very attitude that parents are supposed to correct: It is my day and everyone has to defer to me.

A less pernicious version is when friends decide to take out the birthday celebrant. But that, too, has overtaxed participants when, without having a say in the costliness of the arrangements, they are expected to pay for their meals and contribute to the cost of the guest of honor's meal as well as to bring or to contribute to a present.

Compounding this is the decline in no-special-occasion entertaining at home. Because you are offering a choice of four meals, Miss Manners assumes that this party is being held in a restaurant. Some people now chiefly entertain in restaurants, assuming the costs of their guests, but it is also common for friends to share restaurant meals but pay their own way.

Both methods would be proper -- as long as everyone understands from the beginning which it is to be. But they rarely do. And unfortunately, experience teaches them that they are more likely than not being stuck with a bill.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the order for seating at a wedding for the groom's family as far as who sits in the closer order behind the groom's parents? Is it the groom's father's family first or is it the groom's mother's family first? What is traditional?

I know this is petty, but I am trying to prove a point.

GENTLE READER: No doubt. Incompatible relatives often seize on what they believe to be points of wedding etiquette to put one another down.

Miss Manners dislikes being drawn into such matters, and in this case, she can withdraw with a clear conscience because there is no tradition covering this: Etiquette couldn't care less.

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