DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter recently sent out beautiful handmade invitations. Simply put, the invitations invite you to join me as I celebrate my 50th birthday. It gives the date, time and place and asks each guest to RSVP along with their choice of four entrees. That's it.

Last night, I ran into one of the invited guests and mentioned the upcoming party. Sadly, she told me that they would be unable to attend because "they couldn't afford it." Once my confusion had passed, I asked if she could afford "free." I explained that it was my party and that they were invited to be my guests.

I would never dream of throwing a party and expecting my guests to pay for themselves. In fact, I find the trend appalling. I can't imagine how a formal invitation could be so misunderstood. What am I missing?

GENTLE READER: You are missing the pitiful sight of Miss Manners sobbing, with her head on her desk. Has it really come to this -- that genuine hospitality has become so rare that people now expect any invitation to require payment?

The comparatively recent phenomenon of the annual adult birthday party is especially suspect. Mimicking the children's event, many people give such parties for themselves or their relatives, using the very attitude that parents are supposed to correct: It is my day and everyone has to defer to me.

A less pernicious version is when friends decide to take out the birthday celebrant. But that, too, has overtaxed participants when, without having a say in the costliness of the arrangements, they are expected to pay for their meals and contribute to the cost of the guest of honor's meal as well as to bring or to contribute to a present.

Compounding this is the decline in no-special-occasion entertaining at home. Because you are offering a choice of four meals, Miss Manners assumes that this party is being held in a restaurant. Some people now chiefly entertain in restaurants, assuming the costs of their guests, but it is also common for friends to share restaurant meals but pay their own way.

Both methods would be proper -- as long as everyone understands from the beginning which it is to be. But they rarely do. And unfortunately, experience teaches them that they are more likely than not being stuck with a bill.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the order for seating at a wedding for the groom's family as far as who sits in the closer order behind the groom's parents? Is it the groom's father's family first or is it the groom's mother's family first? What is traditional?

I know this is petty, but I am trying to prove a point.

GENTLE READER: No doubt. Incompatible relatives often seize on what they believe to be points of wedding etiquette to put one another down.

Miss Manners dislikes being drawn into such matters, and in this case, she can withdraw with a clear conscience because there is no tradition covering this: Etiquette couldn't care less.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My "first love" from my junior and senior years in high school was just heading off to Army boot camp when we broke up. Our break up wasn't terrible, but not a happy one to say the least.

About two years later, I called him because I wondered about his status, as the Middle East conflict was quite prevalent in the news. We spoke briefly and pleasantly, he explained he was getting married and was expecting with his fiancee.

I'm 23 now and in a wonderful and committed relationship going on three years. I also recently purchased a touch screen phone that I have yet to figure out completely. And so as fate would have it, the phone "purse dialed" the ex in question, causing him to call me back. We again spoke very briefly. (I was at work.) I suggested that we talk later in the day to catch up. He responded with, "I told you I was married, right?" I said I knew that and said he could call me if that would be comfortable. He said he would and that he wanted to chat a little more as well and asked what time he could call me.

He didn't call.

Am I allowed to call him? I have no intention of trying to break up his family. I just don't want to learn of his demise on the nightly news i.e., "A local soldier was laid to rest today..." We did have a very good relationship at one time and I just want to keep in touch. Is there any way to do this?

GENTLE READER: Not without the cooperation of the gentleman, who so far has evidenced no great enthusiasm for reconnecting. Until you allay his suspicion that you want to rekindle the romance or otherwise make trouble in his marriage, you will not know whether that -- or just lack of interest -- is the problem.

Your present approach has not accomplished this -- in fact, it has aroused suspicions in Miss Manners. And not just about how his number was on the screen when your new telephone self-dialed.

That is because your argument about his theoretical death in battle, while highly dramatic, is nonsensical. He could not notify you of his own death, and the only people to be informed in person by the military would be his immediate family. For his wife or parents to call you at such a time, you would have to be on very close terms.

If this is your intention, you can make it clearer with a letter or e-mail (so he can show to his wife) expressing your and your partner's interest in meeting his family.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion of engraved cocktail napkins with an event name and date? If you approve, should they be reserved for occasions such as a wedding, luncheon or anniversary party? Or are they appropriate for any event?

An acquaintance of mine orders them for seemingly every function she hosts, including a "Summer Kegger" and a kindergarten ice cream pool party.

GENTLE READER: Presumably you mean printed paper napkins. Miss Manners doesn't care for paper napkins under any circumstances, nor for printed souvenirs, but she will not condemn them. It might call attention to her irrational fondness for monogrammed bed sheets.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The other day, I was walking into a coffee shop as a man was walking out. His hands were full balancing three cups of coffee, so I held the door open for him. Two other men followed behind him and one said to me, "Don't you just love equal rights?"

Not long ago, a man in the office where I work was coming through a door behind me while he carried a heavy paper box, and I held the door for him. He made such a big deal out of it ("Wow, this is the first time a woman has ever held the door for me!") that for a second I wished I had just let the door slam back in his face.

This just seems like a matter of common courtesy to me.

Why can't they just say thank you instead of trying to make it into some kind of gender role issue?

GENTLE READER: They are not responsible for injecting gender into this; that was done centuries ago. And while Miss Manners agrees that they were being tedious, at least they were not being rude -- as you were tempted to be.

Gender was injected into precedence when chivalry came up with Ladies-First to replace Out-of-My-Way-I'm-Important-and-You're-Not. But in a shocking oversight, the new principle was not applied to such other areas as money and power.

In the 20th century, some feminists attempted to make a trade -- forgoing minor courtesies for major gains. As it turned out, they were instantly successful in having the courtesies dropped, but somewhat less so in making the gains.

Unfortunately, courtesy was lacking on both sides. When gentlemen attempted to follow the courtesies they had been used to, they were often treated as if they had offered an insult, and were insulted in return.

Apparently, it is payback time. Miss Manners asks you to bear with it while it lasts, which can't be much longer.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to a "gift card shower" for "a wonderful couple to celebrate their marriage and their new home."

There was no party or get-together. Instructions on the invitation indicated that this was a surprise and that those wishing to participate should send a gift card (from various retail stores listed) to the couple's new home address.

This young couple had a very small wedding several years ago and asked that no parties or wedding showers be given for them. Is this gift card shower something new?

GENTLE READER: For some time now, people who see their guests as sources of income and dry goods have been trying to eliminate what they believe to be the downside: actually seeing the guests, and supplying them with refreshments.

Eliminating that from social life has occurred to more than one such fundraiser. What Miss Manners fails to understand is why anyone would want to comply.

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