DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a football game, I was standing in a tunnel with a group of people waiting to go to our seats while the National Anthem played. There was a woman who looked to be battling some kind of cancer that kept her hat on during the song. A man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and told her she needed to show respect for the country and remove her hat.

A few people came to her defense, but he was adamant, so the woman complied. After she removed her hat, it was definitely obvious that she had just gone through chemotherapy.

The woman was upset by all of this, but to her credit, she stood tall and stared the man in the eye while the song played. I thought this guy was out of line and nobody should have to be humiliated in that manner. What would you do in that situation?

GENTLE READER: Rescue the hapless lady, of course. In this case, it would be particularly easy, because the rudeness was compounded by ignorance.

"I beg your pardon, sir," Miss Manners would have said to he who had given her an opening by broaching the topic in public. "I am afraid you are unfamiliar with correct behavior. It is not proper for ladies to remove their hats to show respect for the flag; that rule applies only to gentlemen. And gentlemen are supposed to show respect to ladies."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm in a quandary regarding how to deal with my very sensitive, very patronizing yet very loving and generous father. We have had times of estrangement in our relationship, both by choice and by circumstance, but have finally come to a place in both our lives where we would rather agree to disagree on certain topics than not have the other person in our lives.

My father is overseas for years at a time due to his work, and when he is, he insists (and I do mean *insists*) that he contribute to my economy since he cannot be here in person to provide day-to-day interpersonal support.

I expressed my gratitude at his generosity and have tried to reciprocate in ways that I can afford, i.e., run errands for him in the States, buy and ship things to him he cannot get overseas, interact with my grandparents (his parents) on his behalf during the inevitable crises that come with the elderly.

Generally, we have a good relationship now, but he is constantly throwing in my face comments about how I've finally become an adult, "Welcome to the adult world," "Isn't being an adult fun?", etc. If I were 20 or even 23, I could see his need to comment so frequently (maybe).

I am, however, 34 and have been supporting myself (with occasional help) since I was 21. I have owned and sold my own home. I have purchased all three of my cars on my own. Etc, etc, etc. His comments are beginning to grate on me, but I know if I say anything, it will turn into a verbal fistfight.

GENTLE READER: Patronizing? But he is your pater!

You make an impressive case for being mature, accepting family responsibility as well as financial responsibility. You say your relationship with your father is good.

So why, Miss Manners wonders, are you bristling? Part of maturity is the ability to understand that parents are ever amazed that their children grow up -- and to let trivial things pass for the sake of family harmony.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am 25 years old and currently pregnant with our first child. At a morning prayer group for the women of my church, my mother and mother-in-law were both present (fortunately, I am on excellent terms with both) and the majority of women were their friends or women of the generation above theirs.

Almost all of them knew my husband and me as we grew up and so feel deeply connected with us, even though (in most cases) our actual interactions have been very limited.

At one point, one of them commented to me that "you might be carrying it, but it's really our baby." The other women all smiled and agreed.

They weren't serious, of course, but it wasn't just a joke, either. Since I had no desire to make a scene, I let it pass, but I found the comment very upsetting.

Am I right to be upset? My mother agrees that it was in poor taste but doesn't seem to think it's a big deal. I expect my internal reaction is probably stronger than it should be, as is common during pregnancy. I have no intention of bringing the matter up again.

What do I do next time, if there should be one? I'll see these women again, after all. I don't wish to offend them (for one thing, I'm certain it was meant lovingly; for another, offending a potential source of free babysitting seems like bad policy), but I would prefer to retain some ownership of my own baby.

GENTLE READER: Sorry, but you will not own your baby. Owning human beings is immoral and illegal.

And in the milder sense in which Miss Manners understands that you intended, it is unwise. These people were not plotting to kidnap your baby. They are not denying that you are the mother.

They are, as you acknowledge, lovingly expressing their feeling of connection with your family. Your child is fortunate to be born into a caring community. You, too, are lucky. You may or may not get free babysitting, but you will be assured an eager response when you want to go around showing off baby pictures and reporting baby development.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For Christmas, I received many, many gift certificates from well-meaning relatives. Personally, I spend a great deal of time picking presents that I think people will like and have meaning and significance to our relationship. I always feel somewhat put off when all I receive in return is a $20 gift certificate to a bookstore. Am I being outdated our overly sensitive?

GENTLE READER: Your relatives probably think it is over-sensitive and outdated to expect anyone to put thought into choosing a present. Or perhaps they considered that pairing you with the stores they chose is quite enough thought about you. Miss Manners only hopes they also thought to check the expiration date and other policies of the store that so often interfere with the recipients getting a present at all.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: The small company I work for hands out Christmas bonuses every year. The last two years I have been with the company, I have received a bonus, but I was not sure as to whether or not I should send a thank you note to the owner, so I didn't. Once again, I'm torn -- do I write a thank you note or don't I?

I was always told as a child that when you receive a gift, the proper thing to do would be to send the giver a thank you note. Are bonuses considered a gift or is it a thank you from the employer for your contribution to the business for the last year? Should one write a thank you note for their thanking you? What is the proper way to accept Christmas Bonuses?

GENTLE READER: With gracious thanks.

Miss Manners cannot imagine where you got the idea that thanks are only for what is undeserved. Or that you should err on the side of nonthanks when there is a doubt.

Why, people who are after your job have been sending thank you letters to your personnel department just for interviewing them. Surely you can squeeze out a word of thanks for the company's having rewarded you, whether or not it was expected or contracted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you deal with grandchildren, age 5, age 10 and age 15, who have not learned or been guided by their parents in courtesies such as thank you notes?

As a grandparent, I feel a moral obligation to provide positive guidance but don't know the best (if any) way to go about it. One such effort, what I thought was a courteous note to the parents, resulted in a hostile reply. And curtailing future gifts to young children whose parents' neglect is responsible seems inappropriate.

GENTLE READER: Indeed, a grandparent should provide guidance, most notably to the parents two decades or longer before they become parents. Should these people lapse once they have outgrown such jurisdiction, their elders will have to do it all over again.

But not the same way, Miss Manners cautions them. As you have discovered, they cannot, with impunity, issue directives that contradict or criticize their grandchildren's parents.

They are thus reduced to appealing to the children's reason.

Choose some time when you have been playing happily with them, so they will not interpret your remarks as scolding.

"I wonder if I did something wrong," you might muse. The prospect of a confession of wrong-doing from their seniors is of great interest to children.

Pressed for an explanation, you say, "I enjoy selecting presents for all of you, because I imagine them making you happy. But I must be wrong, because I never hear a word from you about them -- not even whether they arrived, and never that you liked them.

"Should I stop sending them?"

There will be a chorus of "No!" after which you can say gently, "then I will expect some feedback from each of you."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Now that the holidays are over, I seem to be bombarded with thank you notes from recipients of my gifts. Is this a common practice? I have recently moved to a new city and had not received thank you notes for gifts in the past, unless it were for a wedding or baby shower. Is it a new rule to give a thank you note for any gift, regardless of the occasion? Christmas, birthdays, etc.? If so, I have millions to catch up on!

GENTLE READER: Get busy.

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