DEAR MISS MANNERS: My children, who are 6, 7 and 12, have three sets of grandparents, 14 aunts and uncles and eight cousins. We live a good distance from all of them but visit as much as we can. We usually spend Thanksgiving with the relatives, so Christmas time is a time for just us.

It has become an especially difficult time concerning the gifts my children receive. In the past, we've allowed Christmas morning to be joyous and crazy and full of laughter as the packages are ripped open. Thank you notes are written in crayon with drawings and x's and o's but not specific to the exact gift given (ex: Thank you so much, Grandma, for the wonderful gifts you sent at Christmas -- I had a wonderful day).

I think they're precious. But the last time the kids did this "vague" type of thank you note, I got a very rude response from my mother-in-law. Basically, "If the kids can't recall what I gave them, don't bother having them do a thank you note."

So to appease her, I had out a notebook and pen on Christmas morning and made the kids report to me one at a time what each gift was and who it was from so the thank you notes could be more specific.

It was torture. For them and myself. It ruined Christmas morning for me wanting to see my kids dive into the gift opening, and I'm sure it drove them crazy. I was writing and missed their expressions.

Yes, it teaches patience, and yes, it makes them more aware of the giver. But because of the sheer amount of gifts and the writing necessary -- it just seemed ridiculous. We can't video tape it -- our camera has been broken for the last few months and with my husband out of work, the chance of purchasing a new one is doubtful -- at least for now.

For the sake of family harmony, I will continue doing it this way, but I was curious about what you thought.

My children are being brought up in a strict but loving home and have always been taught to be appreciative -- and they are. I just don't get why Christmas morning has now had to turn into this overorganized, list making Bruha-ha.

GENTLE READER: Torture? Did you actually say this was torture?

Forgive Miss Manners, but she is not as charmed as you are by the spectacle of your children tearing into one package after another without pausing to consider who gave what.

However, if you enjoy it so much, why shouldn't you draw out the pleasure by putting down your pad and pen and watching their faces at each opening, before calling them over to report what they got?

Although you resented your mother-in-law's harsh way of saying so, she is right that a form letter of thanks is thoughtless. If you want to see the pleasure on your children's faces, surely you can imagine that their relatives at least want to hear about the pleasure they have produced.

Sorry if it ruins your Christmas to have some consideration for others.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please tell me what the proper etiquette is when one sees a neighbor's belongings tossed into the street because their house was foreclosed? Several houses in my neighborhood have been foreclosed in recent months, and things being what they are this situation is likely to happen again.

Do I look away and pretend nothing is happening? Invite them over for dinner? Is there some kind of protocol for offering assistance in this situation? My mother never covered foreclosure manners with me.

GENTLE READER: Pretending not to notice that an acquaintance is misbehaving may be tactful -- but pretending not to notice that an acquaintance is in trouble is just plain cruel.

Miss Manners assures you that the neighbor sees you perfectly well, and concludes that his misfortune has made you cut him.

But then, again, you don't want to be nosy. Please go over and just say how sorry you are and how much you would like to be of help -- offering dinner, storage of their things, or what other assistance would be useful.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I agree with you entirely that it is rude to text while out with friends or family. It should not pull you away from real life, but instead, be a form of communicating when necessary.

That being said, I strongly believe in telephone calls and think that is the best way to communicate. If one of my friends does not answer the phone, I always leave a message and expect to hear back from them within one or two days.

Lately, one of my friends of 10 years and more has not responded to three of my voicemails, but texts me approximately two weeks after my third message and says "I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you. Let's make plans." When I try calling her back again, she does not answer me for one to two days and then texts me again.

I understand that we get busy every once in awhile and sometimes need our space that I can respect. But this "new fad" is getting to me. How should I respond the next time I see her, if at all?

GENTLE READER: Fads come and go. But new methods of communication are not going to disappear.

Miss Manners only wishes, as do you, that people would realize that the old ones needn't disappear. True, the Pony Express hasn't come by for a while, but even the handwritten word is still available for those of us who choose to use it.

Ideally, we should all be fluent in all forms, choosing the right one for each use. But people do tend to have their favorites, and because texting and telephoning are both suitable for making plans, you cannot really fault your friend. She is, after all, asking to make plans for the best form of communication between you -- a face-to-face visit.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: There are two homes I visit regularly, my brother's and a best friend's. I'm always welcome in both places and feel fortunate to be close to both households.

But when I visit them in the winter, both homes seem cold to me. I know that they want to save money by having the heat turned down, but I find it difficult, especially at night when I would like to be able, once the household has retired, to get comfy in bed and read for awhile before falling asleep. Unfortunately, the only moderately comfortable position is under the covers with the sheet and bedspread pulled up around my head.

I have a small space heater with a thermostat that allows me to set it at a specific temperature, such that it turns off once the desired temperature is reached. I sometimes use it in my own home.

Would it be appropriate for me to bring it with me to use in the guestrooms when I'm visiting? I assume I should inform them that I'd like to bring it. What is an appropriate way to do this?

I love these people dearly and feel I should be able to approach them with this, but I do not want to hurt them by suggesting that I'm not comfortable in their home. They are in all other ways quite generous and warm with me.

GENTLE READER: Warm-hearted and warm-blooded they may be, but simply announcing that you plan to show up toting your own heating system would throw them into retroactive misery. They would be suddenly realizing that you must have been miserable during all your previous visits.

Miss Manners would prefer that once you are there, you say, "I've been feeling the cold a lot lately; may I please have another blanket?" But if you insist, you can use that "lately" bit, as if it were a peculiarity of yours, to add, "So I've been traveling with a portable heater."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Recognizing that comportment standards in air travel have slipped considerably since the days of traveling only when fully clothed, I wonder how to handle a situation which has surely troubled many passengers:

What does one do, on a fully occupied plane, when seated in proximity to someone snoring loud enough to wake a baby?

Fellow passengers and I exchanged thin smiles and shared disgust, but beyond the rambunctious tray-lowering by the passenger seated behind, is there anything you can recommend?

GENTLE READER: Usually you can depend on the baby to take care of this.

And please hold the disgust. It is difficult but important to remember that people do not snore (nor babies generally cry) on purpose to annoy their fellow passengers. They do not even realize that they are snoring.

This does not make noise any more tolerable, but it should prompt a more tolerant approach. Slamming things around didn't work, and probably contributed to the other passengers' annoyance. Miss Manners would prefer that you tap the snorer gently and say, "Are you all right? I'm afraid you were making noises in your sleep, and a number of us are concerned about you."

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