DEAR MISS MANNERS: My relatives are angry with me for not distributing a list of what I want them to give me for Christmas!

I understand that picking the perfect gift is not a challenge relished by everyone, and that "wish lists" and gift registries have become de rigueur, but somehow the whole thing feels to me like it's just gone too far!

If I'm going to tell you what to buy for me, you might as well give me money so I can buy it myself.

In fact, let's just exchange money. Come to think of it, how about we all go out and buy things we like for ourselves, and then show off our new purchases on Christmas morning? It seems that's what gift-giving has devolved into.

Any attempt to discuss this issue always results in hurt feelings and an insistence that I'm "hard to buy for." What can I do?

GENTLE READER: It appears that the exchange of presents has become too hard for everyone:

Too hard to use the imagination to think of what might please a relative or friend. Too hard to enjoy surprises when one was intent on receiving what one had ordered. And too hard to accept the occasional mistaken notion as being well intentioned.

What was once an exciting and charming custom has therefore deteriorated into the joyless, rote experience you describe -- and that Miss Manners has been protesting against for years. We have become a nation of beggars and their shoppers.

Far from spreading pleasure, this brings out the worst in most people -- increasingly blatant greed and the resentment that you encountered.

And from the good-hearted it brings on the inevitable solution of donating to charity instead.

This sounds like a noble solution -- who can object to giving to charity? -- but it should be recognized for what it is: the demise of the ancient custom of good will expressed through symbolism.

Substituting giving to charity is an adaptation of the "in lieu of flowers" directive associated with death. The idea was that rather than suffocate from an overload of flowers, the bereaved would be more comforted with support of research on the disease that caused the death, or with donations to the dead person's favorite charity.

But adopting this for Christmas and other present-exchanging occasions comes with its own problems. Not everyone agrees on what causes are worthy. Miss Manners often hears from targeted givers who angrily oppose supporting the charity named, as well as from expectant recipients who angrily oppose the charity that the donor substituted.

Miss Manners suspects that charities benefit less than is supposed when people declare they are honoring others but do not increase their donations above what they would have given their favorite charities anyway. They also receive the immediate benefit, the tax credit.

But at best this destroys the need to think about the needs and desires of people one loves. Which seems to be fine with your relatives.

You can go around this while apparently placating them by saying, "A book (or a CD or a DVD) you think I might enjoy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to substitute one party for another if the one named on the invitation is not able to attend?

GENTLE READER: No, no, no, no. And no again. Miss Manners reminds you that this is an invitation, directed personally to those to whom it is sent because their presence is wanted; it is not a ticket that says "Admit two."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I are having a disagreement over the proper etiquette concerning holiday cards. I have always included a very short, handwritten note in each holiday card, including the recipient's name and that of their family members, as an addition to the greeting printed on the inside of each card.

My partner complains that this is a colossal waste of time, and implores me not only to abstain from writing a greeting, but also to purchase a stamp of our combined signatures that we can then imprint on every card. Short of this, he says we could create a "form greeting" on the computer and run each card through the printer, which would automatically fill in the recipient's name and family information.

I think that such an impersonal greeting would be rude. Perhaps the card envelope may have a printed address but surely a handwritten note inside is the most appropriate.

My partner insists that since most of these greetings I write are very similar in wording, the recipients would know that I spent little time on their particular card, and would not be offended by a typed message instead.

However, this sounds very rude to me, and suspiciously like the form "holiday newsletter" which I deplore. Your thoughts?

GENTLE READER: Who are you, Tiny Tim, that you think personal sentiment should be part of the holiday?

And if the gentleman thinks your own handwritten sentiments will be scorned, what does he believe you would accomplish with a preprinted formula?

Miss Manners would be wary of such a one, in regard to life, as well as to correspondence. But perhaps his attitude would be welcome to those who feel that the holidays have not become sufficiently rote and commercial.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After we had passed the salad bowl around the table, my younger teenaged son helped himself to the salad by using his hands to pick out the assorted pieces he preferred.

When reprimanded by his father and grandmother, he replied that he would never behave as such in public, but at home manners could be more informal, and that, after all, he had not touched any of the remaining salad, eliminating any health concerns. He said that family is where one could relax and not worry about conventions.

To some extent, I believe he is right, but where should one draw the line? If he knows the rules for public behavior and there is no logical reason to forbid using ones hands, is this a matter of concern?

GENTLE READER: A matter for concern? It is a full-fledged etiquette emergency.

Miss Manners hates to break this to you, but your son is not the master of two sets of manners, formal and informal. The style he is using is piggy manners, and he is arguing that the disgust of his relatives has no weight with him.

That he also knows and employs charming manners that he uses in the presence of those whom he cares less about is something Miss Manners very much doubts.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have hosted a large Christmas party in our home almost every year since 1994. We invite around 300 people, a combination of business associates and friends, with about 150 usually attending.

We skipped a year some years back, due to our financial situation at the time, and the fact that I was working two jobs. My husband insisted on inserting a little note in our Christmas cards, stating something to the effect that we didn't have a party that year because we were taking a break, but we wished them all well. I didn't feel that it was necessary to explain ourselves to everyone, especially business associates, and that just sending them a Christmas card was fine.

The party is usually catered, with a theme of Christmas in another country, with that country's food and traditions. I decorate the house lavishly, in connection with the theme for that year. We've had bagpipers, hula dancers, high school chamber groups and other musical entertainment to enhance the evening.

Needless to say, it's a lot of work and a major expense, even when I do the food myself. We love to do it, and our friends look forward to it, always eager to visit with friends they haven't seen in a while, and to enjoy whatever the theme is. They ask me about it all year -- what is your theme this year, what is the date, etc.

We're pretty sure that we won't be able to have the party this year, and my husband would like to send out a note to everyone again, because he doesn't want them to think that we can't afford to have one or that we had one and didn't invite them. I don't know exactly what we would say, but I feel that this is not necessary and will just draw more attention to the fact that we aren't having it.

Some of the guests are people he still deals with in his business, or may need to do so in the future, so I do understand his concern about them thinking he is still prosperous, although surely everyone understands the state of the economy this year.

In your opinion, is it appropriate to send such a note, and if so, what message should we convey?

GENTLE READER: It hardly seems fair that the burden should be on long-time hosts to announce a non-party, as if they were shirking an obligation.

Yet Miss Manners is aware that many guests come to think of annual parties as an entitlement. People who may not have made any effort to extend hospitality to their hosts during an entire year often feel aggrieved if they are not invited annually.

For this reason, Miss Manners cautions generous hosts to vary their habits. They should either skip a year or two now and then, or give, for example, a Twelfth Night party instead of a Christmas one, or choose some other holiday or occasion.

She agrees that explanations, and even warnings, are unnecessary. But if anyone should be so bold as to complain, you could say cheerfully that while you love to give parties, you thought you would give someone else a turn to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a proper response to a compliment bestowed upon one's pet? Because of his striking appearance, my dog receives numerous compliments when out in public.

GENTLE READER: "Say 'thank you,' Fido."

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