DEAR MISS MANNERS: At one of the universities where I teach as an adjunct, I had some problems setting up a projector and my personal computer before class.

As I am new to this particular campus, a full-time professor happened by, and, noticing my problem, offered some obvious suggestions for getting the system up and running. However, along with his comments about "closing all these other programs" (the ones I needed for the presentation), he kept throwing in little jabs like, "With a slow computer like that..." and "With an old computer like that one...". I think he may even have described my computer as "crappy."

I found myself taking offense at his comments, which were certainly not helpful to my immediate situation. I was hurt, as I would have been if he had insulted my children or my home.

Am I being too sensitive? My computer is only 3 years old, and it is an important tool that I rely on to do my work every day.

I was tempted to say, "Well, I can't afford to spend one-fourth of my pay this semester to buy a faster computer. Do you want to buy one for me?" (Adjuncts are paid less-than-poverty wages to do almost half the work that full-time tenured professors do. Those professors are paid much more handsomely and get benefits like health insurance and state retirement.)

I think he should have said, "You know, there are faster computers that you can borrow from the media center every day for class." Am I correct? How should I have handled the situation?

GENTLE READER: Correct? To equate criticizing your computer with insulting your children? Miss Manners is as sporadically fond of her computer as anyone else, but she would not fight a duel to defend its honor.

True, the professor could have been more helpful -- could even have minded his own business since he seemed to know less than you about how to set this up.

But you could have dismissed him with a simple "Thanks, I'll manage." The likelihood of his taking up the cause of pay increases for adjuncts was equal to that of his buying you a computer. But if you really couldn't contain yourself, you could have said cheerfully, "Well, it's what I can afford."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate for a man to send a wedding gift to a couple for not attending their wedding? Will a sorry suffice? Due to an uncertain schedule, I wasn't able to answer the RSVP properly. In fact, I was asked through e-mail if I would go or not. I said no, but the guilt still remains.

GENTLE READER: The reason for sending a wedding present is the same as the reason for attending a wedding (or feeling deep, genuine regret about not being able to attend): that you care about the couple and want to show this symbolically.

Miss Manners is guessing that this is not the case here. Sending one anyway may indeed sweeten the effect of your rudeness in not answering the invitation, but it should not assuage the guilt you quite properly feel.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When conversing, I find a new trend -- more and more people making assertive statements about me or my family.

The statements are not unpleasant, but they are often false. I feel compelled to correct them, but this puts me in the uncomfortable position of contradicting them. When it becomes a series of assertions followed by my contradictions, the conversation loses all joy.

The statements are so inoffensive on their face that anger would be inappropriate: You live in Brambly. You work at the Post Office. You have relatives in Biggity. You like ratatouille. You speak Russian.

Should I just let those statements go by even if I actually live in Gumble, work at the library, have no relatives in Biggity, abhor eggplant, and don't even know the Russian word for cat?

Initially, I thought I was encountering a family or local habit, or people who watched too many sitcoms on TV. However, several friends have brought up the distressing habit -- which seems to affect mostly people younger than ourselves but is rapidly spreading -- and we have concluded that it is a trend.

I tried humor once, saying "Perhaps I should tell you about myself instead of you telling about myself," but was met with a blank stare. Obviously, she was not aware that she was making rapid statements about me, most inaccurate, and forcing me to correct her assumptions.

Is this the new form of "How do you do?" Help, I need the new form of "Fine, thank you."

GENTLE READER: Personally, Miss Manners would be tempted to say, "My Russian is not nearly as fluent as my Pig Latin," and "That was before Brambly was overrun by the Ottoman Empire." After all, it hardly matters what you say to people who are not listening. And the strange concept called multitasking may well have increased their number.

If your object is to set your friends straight (rather than simply to amuse yourself during a nonconversation, which was Miss Manners' idea), keep asking, "Really? Who told you that?" Eventually the pattern might summon a bit of attention.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With cold and flu season upon us, many well-meaning relatives and friends have offered me bottles of supplements or boxes of herbal teas (I am not well off financially, and I know these people have the kindest of intentions).

Alas, I just don't take any kind of herb or supplement. Because these things are pricey, I want to say, "How kind, but if you can use it, I would rather you keep it," but something tells me this is an etiquette no-no.

GENTLE READER: Refusing a present is indeed a put-down, if not a downright insult. At best, it says, "I know you mean to be thoughtful, but you didn't think enough."

Therefore, Miss Manners hopes you will be more careful when you pass on these items to someone or some organization that might be able to make good use of them. Do not characterize them as presents, but say that you cannot use them and inquire first if they would be of help.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: A guest, who, like me, is a middle-aged bachelor (well, I am perhaps a tad beyond middle age, but never mind that) returned this summer -- essentially homeless after many years out of the country -- to undergo surgeries from which he is now recovering. He does not require in-home medical assistance, but is under doctor's orders to avoid his usual athletic activities for a while, and he cannot drive now.

Some of my female friends have been kind enough to assist him with transportation to and from hospital appointments, or to bring him meals they have cooked or invite him to dinner. Last week, one of them confided to me that she has developed romantic feelings for him. It is clear to me that one of the other women also feels this way.

In conversations with me, my guest has repeatedly brought up the subject of his numerous failed relationships with -- and less than entirely generous view of -- women. He told me he has therefore sworn off women, but some of his actions suggest otherwise.

Should I mention any of this to these two women? Under what circumstances, if any, beyond their asking directly what I know about his life or my thoughts about why they might or might not find him a good match? So far they have only asked me how the two of us are getting along in my small apartment, to which I just reply, OK.

I'd be very happy for either of them to find Mr. JustRight-or-Mr. CloseEnough. At the same time, I don't want to contribute by silence to any scenes of heartbreak.

I've discussed some pretty personal matters with these two women. They both helped me while I was hospitalized and then briefly homebound after a stroke. But they do not know one another and apparently do not know that they have any specific competition for my guest's attention. (I've never had a romantic connection with either of these two women, nor am I hoping for that.)

If one woman asks me directly, I will tell her what I know. I suspect I will then feel a duty to tell the other woman, too. Does etiquette offer any guide, whether to speak out in this latter situation?

GENTLE READER: There are instances, Miss Manners can imagine, in which etiquette-verging-on-ethics would leave you torn between discretion about repeating a confidence and supplying vital information to those in danger.

If you knew that your houseguest was an ax-murderer who got off on a technicality, you would have to inform your enamored friends. If you knew he had a communicable disease, you should feel obligated to warn them.

This is not such a case. There is no secret to reveal. Swearing off romance means exactly nothing, as you already know from your friend's actions. People routinely swear off romance until they meet someone of romantic interest.

But it can serve as a challenge to others. If you mention to a lady that this gentleman has been unlucky in love and has therefore sworn off romance, she will conclude that the poor fellow's problem is not having yet considered romance with her.

(Why this is, Miss Manners cannot say. But she knows that the sure way to discourage romance is to announce that the person is actively looking for it.)

You might as well stand back and watch what happens, secure in the knowledge that it will happen regardless.

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