DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was visiting friends, I perused my hotel's list of recommended dining establishments. Each restaurant listed their dress code and, to my consternation, I found each of the following variations:

Elegant

Dressy

Coat Preferred

Coat Suggested

Casual Elegance

Dressy Casual

Smart Casual

Casual

The last is self-explanatory, but, as a lady concerned with her appearance, if I were to adhere rigorously to the other codes, what in heaven's name would I wear for each one that would be appropriate, but yet would not enter into the pitiable state of looking over or (perish the thought) underdressed? What would I ask my beau to wear?

GENTLE READER: Wait -- are you allowing the word "casual" to pass? Miss Manners loathes it.

She assures you that your confidence that plain "casual" is self-explanatory is misplaced. To some it means blue blazers, to others, gym clothes or few clothes.

But worse than that is the way it is used to brag about not making an effort to fit in with the plans of others. If you hear someone mention being "a casual sort" of person, do not expect ordinary courtesies.

Accordingly, Miss Manners is in sympathy with establishments and private hosts who try to do things nicely, only to have clients or guests who refuse to make the smallest effort of their own. But the proliferation of improvised terms to replace the standard "formal" and "informal" keeps getting sillier.

"Casual elegance"? "Dressy casual"? Oh, please.

You should wear a suit or a dress and ask your beau to wear a suit. Not because any of these instructions make sense, which they do not, but because you would look nice for the ceremony of going out to dinner.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a regular cleaning woman who seems to consider her time in my home to be a social visit. She does not appear to notice that I am eating my breakfast and attempting to read the newspaper, or am engaged in any other private activity, but continues a steady stream of conversation in my direction the entire time she is working.

As my house has an open floor plan, there is nowhere to escape to other than locking myself in the bathroom or leaving the house entirely, neither of which would be my choice for how to spend my morning. Although I'm happy to exchange a few pleasantries with her when she arrives, this is beyond the pale. I should say this does not affect the quality of her work, so I'd prefer to keep her if possible. Is there a polite way to discourage this verbal barrage?

GENTLE READER: In a domestic setting, people do often feel compelled to entertain each other. It is possible that your cleaning lady is starved for conversation, but Miss Manners would not be surprised to hear that she is wondering how to go about her work politely when you seem to be at loose ends, just reading the newspaper.

You could be doing both of you a favor by putting a stop to this, saying firmly, "Well, nice chatting with you. I suppose you want to get to work, and I'm going to concentrate on the newspaper."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I parked my car in a public parking lot, I noticed a car had a bumper sticker that read, "If you have nothing to say, just shut the

up."

It could have used the H word, which I would not have objected to, but rather, it used the F word -- all 4 letters of it. If the person wanted to put that in some private location, fine -- but I thought exposing it to children (among others) in public view was inappropriate.

Since it was easily removable, I did so -- and threw it away.

I suppose I could have dropped it inside the driver's window with a note -- but someone that insensitive would surely have ignored my objection and put it right back. Waiting for the person to show up and confronting him/her was neither appropriate (who knows how long before he/she showed up) nor, these days, safe.

Yes, the First Amendment probably would say this was an illegal action on my part. How would you have handled it? (I could keep some paint in my car to paint over such situations, but that seems rather silly.)

GENTLE READER: Here is what strikes Miss Manners as silly:

Appealing to an etiquette authority to condone petty vandalism, and fantasies of worse.

Making light of the First Amendment to a journalist.

Miss Manners is no more charmed than you by the widespread public use of obscenities. However, she paid attention in civics class, which apparently not everyone did. So she knows that the protection of free speech means the protection of offensive speech.

Mind you, she condemns foul language. She just refuses to condone or to use foul behavior to do so. If you wish to protect children, she urges you to refrain from using objectionable words, even under stress; train your own children not to do so, and intelligently explain to them why it bothers you when other people do.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are your suggestions for ways to handle telephone solicitors for charities? I never heard of many of these organizations, and in any event, I've read that some fund-raisers may keep the lion's share of donations.

After verifying my name, each solicitor rattles off a long, prepared speech about the vital work of the charity. I wait until they reach the part about which donation level "best suits my needs," and reply: "Thank you, but I don't respond to telephone solicitations. Good luck with your campaign." Then I hang up. Despite their uninvited intrusion, I don't wish to be impolite to these people, but is there a way to cut their fund-raising spiels short?

GENTLE READER: Sure: Give the same speech you already give, but give it earlier -- the very minute that you realize that it is a solicitation. Miss Manners considers it a courtesy to the caller not to make him recite the entire speech when it is doomed to produce no result.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A married couple, both good friends of mine, are going through a very rough time financially. Together, they made some bad decisions that led to their current financial situation; those decisions originated with her.

She periodically writes about her financial difficulties in her weblog, which I read. She also writes frequently about things such as new purchases, and her husband getting angry with her for buying more.

They're both deeply distressed by their situation. Unfortunately, she seems to use "retail therapy" to relieve her discomfort. My friends are both unhappy, and her coping mechanism makes the problem worse.

I am distressed by my friends' pain, and by the fact that my very bright friend seems to ignore the connection between spending and debt. It's not quite bubbling about new purchases and complaining about their finances on alternate days, but close.

I see two opposing choices: Be polite and keep quiet, or be caring and speak up. Is there a middle ground? Is it possible to offer unrequested advice without being offensive? If it makes a difference, what I want to suggest is that they see a debt counselor.

I do see the irony of requesting advice about unrequested advice.

GENTLE READER: You might also take a look at the irony, or rather the futility, of advising people who overspend that they would be better off financially if they spent less. Few of them reply, "Thank you, I hadn't thought of that; I'll try it."

True, you are suggesting that your friends buy this advice, presumably along with specific suggestions for cutting down. Some people do shape up when they are charged for being told.

But Miss Manners notices that your friend does not make such connections. And her husband has already critiqued her expenditures for free.

It should make it easier to refrain from offering unrequested advice to realize how unlikely it is to be followed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At what age are kids too old to go trick or treating?

Adults enjoy putting on costumes, and dressing up, but how many youngsters have a chance to attend costume parties?

My husband and I enjoy admiring cute tykes and their costumes, but have been just as accommodating to the older or larger trick or treaters as the cute little ones, even those who obviously made their own costumes from just cut or painted shirts and some face make up and carrying pillowcases (without trying to second-guess their ages or whether or not they expected a large enough "haul" to fill a pillow case).

My granddaughter said she wasn't going trick or treating this year, but she still wants to dress like a character she admires; so she is taking her little sister around the neighborhood.

Although the older sister is just 12, she is about 5 inches taller then me and a smidge taller than her mother and better developed then I ever was, so she would surely garner comments about being too old to trick or treat. But we don't think she is too old to also want a little fun!

GENTLE READER: Even more than she admires your attitude, Miss Manners appreciates the resourcefulness of your granddaughter. There could hardly be a better excuse for a post-tyke to dress up and go trick-or-treating than escorting a tyke or two. Etiquette hint: Let the little ones get their candy first.

: