DEAR MISS MANNERS: You could assist an entire profession if you would advise undergraduates on how to compose e-mail messages to their professors.

Like my colleagues, I've received peremptory messages from undergraduates, even entering freshmen, the tone of which might have been used by an aristocrat to a particularly lax and unpleasant waiter. After the remonstrances, there's often a transparent attempt at manipulation, as in "Have a great weekend!" or "Thanks in advance for your understanding."

I want to be available to my students, but I don't want to be addressed as if I were their employee. Can you give them some suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Certainly. Miss Manners regrets that Deportment is no longer graded. Here is what a polite student would write:

"Dear Professor Wise,

"I regret that because of a tragedy in my family, I must ask you for an extension on the paper that is due on Friday. My beloved grandmother has died, and my presence has been urgently requested in Aspen, not only to attend her funeral but to deal with matters concerning her estate. I expect to be able to return here within two weeks, and could certainly deliver the paper before Thanksgiving break or, so as not to burden you with it during the holiday, soon after.

"Let me say what a privilege it is to hear your lectures and how much I hate to have to miss even one of them. Please accept my apologies for this regrettable absence.

"Yours sincerely,

"Luke Loggle

"P.S. I don't want to impose on you with my family troubles, but you should know that this not the same grandmother who passed away at Stowe earlier in the semester. Owing to my parents' remarriages, I am blessed with several."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My family was invited to a Halloween party with an invitation that mentioned a gift registry at a local store, recommending that everyone look at it for gift ideas. It looks like a wedding registry or something for a birthday, covering everything from household goods to entertainment wants.

I would understand bringing a gift to a birthday party, anniversary party or even a dinner party, but I have never heard of bringing a gift to a Halloween costume party. Is this rude to expect a gift, or is it polite to bring a gift for the host no matter what type of party it is?

GENTLE READER: You are on that slippery slope along with your greedy friends, Miss Manners is sorry to say. Like them, you see nothing wrong with asking to be given presents; your only quibble is whether this applies to Halloween parties.

No -- "hostess gifts" are not considered obligatory except for overnight stays, although many people now feel that handing over a bottle of wine exempts them from reciprocating a dinner invitation.

Even more widespread is the practice of ordering one's own presents. Since you have accepted this vulgar practice, you should not be surprised that it keeps spreading.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: As I was going through the closets of my house, I happened across my grandfather's old homburg hat, which had remained undisturbed in its hatbox for many years following his death. As it fit remarkably well and suited me excellently, I took to wearing it out and on special occasions as both an affectation and tribute to the grandfather I never knew.

What is the etiquette associated with a young woman wearing a man's style of hat? Does she follow the rules for ladies (which state that the hat is part of a woman's 'ensemble' and therefore should not be removed even indoors) or gentlemen (which state that the hat comes off inside, in the presence of a funeral procession, when the National Anthem is being played and in innumerable other circumstances?)

What about tipping my hat? Historically, women have never tipped their hats, but men were required to in any number of cases. I don't want to be rude, but I also don't want to cast myself in the role of a man. There seems to be no solid precedent for how to behave while in the other gender's clothing.

GENTLE READER: You will be relieved to hear that wearing a gentleman's hat (note: a baseball cap does not qualify as such) alters neither your gender nor your ladylike manners.

However unfairly, this latitude is not permitted to gentlemen, Miss Manners must point out. A gentleman who is wearing a lady's hat is presumed to be either a transvestite, in which case he employs ladies' manners when so dressed, or drunk, in which case he writes a letter of apology to his hostess.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my co-workers will often stand next to me while I am taking a phone call and wait for me to finish so that she can speak with me. Although business related, I feel very uncomfortable with her listening to my every word and staring at me whilst I finish my business call.

If I look at her to acknowledge that she is waiting, she tries to whisper her message to me while I am still trying to take the business call. Then I end up not fully hearing either message. She can see that I am occupied and I feel that she should send me an e-mail or come back. The question she is waiting to ask me is usually of very low importance.

How do I handle this tactfully? I have tried ignoring her behavior until the client is off the phone, but she still tries to get my attention.

GENTLE READER: Do you have a swivel chair?

The polite "Go away; I'm busy" signal is a regretful smile with an optional shrug of the shoulders to indicate that you will be occupied for a while, so there is no point in waiting.

But you have informed Miss Manners that your co-worker waits anyway, and doesn't just wait quietly, but acts as if you were free to talk to her.

Here is where the swivel chair comes in: After having indicated your helplessness in responding while you are on the telephone, you can swivel around so that your back is toward the entrance, presuming that your colleague has done the right thing and left.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I left a job of eight years, my coworkers took me out to lunch on my last day and, back at work, presented me with a beautiful cake. I was stuffed from lunch and made the comment that I would like to wait until later to enjoy some of the cake.

A coworker then informed me that just because I was stuffed didn't mean that the others would not like some cake and that it was my responsibility to cut the cake and serve it to everyone.

I felt like a child being chastised, but completed the job I had been assigned. I've always believed that the guest of honor's only job at a party is to enjoy the celebration. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Yes. Miss Manners supposes that you felt like a child because it is a lesson that is taught to children in connection with their birthday parties.

The lesson is that being the guest of honor does not excuse you from consideration for the other guests. On the contrary, you are indebted to them for honoring you.

So -- do we hug the cake and run off with it to eat all by ourselves when we feel like it? Nooo, dear, we do not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With the advent of stadium seating in movies, I have run across a problem. The seat behind now puts that viewer's feet in the middle of the back of my chair. Often I find that people will kick the back of my chair, literally jolting me out of mine.

I understand that I have issues with anxiety and that I am sensitive. However, because the chairs now recline back easily, and sometimes the kick is so swift, I physically go flying.

The last time this happened was in a horror film (I know -- what is a person with anxiety issues doing in a horror film? -- but that aside). I purposely sat where there was no one behind me and would have moved if someone sat down before the movie started.

But then some latecomers sat down and my chair got kicked so hard and the chair so loose, I thought I was a crash test dummy. I am not exaggerating. I turned around and said, "Would you please not kick the back of my chair. You scared me."

Now it is a movie, so I do have to raise my voice simply to be heard. But I started to laugh to let them know that I wasn't angry, just frightened.

The kicker's company gave a dirty look like I was being rude. The kicker himself laughed with me.

The idea of disrupting someone's entertainment really bothers me, but they are disrupting mine.

GENTLE READER: Or adding to it by the sight of you flying out of your chair.

A grin does not really take the sting out of being scolded publicly, even, Miss Manners notes, to someone who is in the wrong. This is why such requests should be paradoxically made in the form of apologies, with a whispered "Sorry, but I'm afraid you're knocking against my chair."

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