With all due respect to urgent demands of public health -- yuck!

Miss Manners does recognize that physical danger trumps the ordinary routines of etiquette. She grants that someone drowning may properly shout "Help!" instead of "Please help, if it isn't too much trouble."

She is in total agreement about alerting everyone to develop habits to help lessen the spread of disease. But those who are promoting the sleeve sneeze are assuming that the only alternatives are sneezing into the air or into the sneezer's hands.

Have they never heard of the handkerchief? (Or, for that matter, the sleeveless dress?)

Every civilized person should carry a handkerchief, and the traditional wisdom was that it was preferable to carry two: A gentleman would need a clean one to hand to a lady whom he had caused to cry, and a lady would need a clean one to drop in front of some stranger she wanted to follow her.

Spare handkerchiefs are also handy for such crucial activities as making tourniquets and surrendering. Besides, they can be extremely fetching, with monograms, designs and lace.

Most significantly, the basic working handkerchief is essential for preventing the spread of both disease and disgust.

Previously, the health-conscious have argued against its use, on the grounds that a paper tissue's easy disposability made it more hygienic than a reusable handkerchief. And now they are touting using, and presumably reusing, the exposed-to-all sleeve?

Miss Manners suspects that the problem may be that the handkerchief is a forgotten artifact, and no one knows how to operate it. So here are the instructions.

There must be a fresh handkerchief every day, although if the previous day's one was unused, Miss Manners will not come around to check. Because of the faulty warning system employed by sneezes, it must be kept within easy reach, in an outside pocket or tucked into the cuff or decolletage. The freshly pressed and folded handkerchief is shaken out, time permitting, and the sneeze goes directly into it. It is then not -- repeat, not -- refolded to look pristine, but returned crumpled to its nesting place. Repeat as necessary.

Too hard? Miss Manners is confident that people who manage to carry, operate and whip out their electronic devices, will, with practice, be able to master this.

While we are on the subject of etiquette and public health, she would like to make another adjustment in favor of traditional ways. Could we please stop all the kissing and hugging by way of ordinary greetings?

This silliness is leftover from the naive era of a generation ago, when it was believed that promiscuous demonstrations of affection from acquaintances and strangers were emotionally fulfilling to the recipients. Even aside from the more its vulgar application, faked gestures of love soon became a hazard to respectable people who merely wanted to choose their own snuggle partners.

Well, now we can declare it a health hazard. Miss Manners would like to see a return to the dignified act of shaking hands (with hand-sanitizers to be applied out of sight), but she would settle for a smile and an inclination of the head that leaves the hand free to reach for the handkerchief.

DEAR MISS MANNERS -- My brother is getting married next year and would like cash in lieu of gifts. He is already a homeowner and has everything he needs. What is the correct wording for a request of this nature?

GENTLE READER -- "I have everything I need, but give me your money so I can get more."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a moderately successful novelist. Things are a bit dicey for me financially, mostly because I am appallingly incompetent when it comes to money management.

Some friends with whom I discussed this problem were kind enough not to offer unwanted loans, but instead recommended that I put a "Donate" button on the inevitable Web site everyone in my field seems obligated to have.

I wasn't initially comfortable with the idea of asking my fans to support me beyond buying my books -- it seems that ought to be plenty; but I eventually agreed, and it did help. Now, a couple of years later (and in the same financial position, alas), I find that I'm still uncomfortable with asking for help in this way. The discussions with my friends over the subject have become passionate. I would very much appreciate your perspective.

GENTLE READER: As a novelist, you undoubtedly have a high respect for the correct use of words to reveal truth. And yet Miss Manners fears that you have adopted a euphemism to disguise from yourself the truth of what you have been doing.

"Donations" are given to institutions or charities that do good works. Individuals may earn money, as you do in selling books; they may receive it through grants to do work; they may inherit it; they may be given it in lieu of presents; they may find it on the street.

But the act of asking others to give you money simply because you are needy is called begging. It requires a sacrifice of pride, and therefore self-respecting people resort to it only if they are totally destitute.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are determined to treat our child respectfully in order to help teach him how to treat others the same way. For this reason, I believe it's important to give my full attention to the person I am talking to, including my son.

When my son interrupts an adult to get my attention, I say, "Mrs. Jones and I are talking now. Please wait until we are finished."

However, many adults seem to have no problem interrupting my son when he is talking to me. Obviously, I can't very well say, "My son is speaking to me now. Please wait until we are finished." Is there a polite way to ask an adult to refrain from interrupting a child?

GENTLE READER: Not if you want to teach your son respect for others. And this even includes a galling restriction against correcting anyone except your own children or minor charges. So the most you can say is, "I'm sorry, I think Sammy is almost finished with what he is saying."

However, you certainly do not want to teach your son that adults have an etiquette free pass. So you can extend his lesson by saying in private, "I noticed that Mrs. Ermison talked right over you, which is rude. It always makes me feel so foolish when someone does that to me. That's why I'm always after you not to interrupt."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Occasionally, the rules of etiquette conflict with my religious and moral convictions. When this happens, is there a way I can signal this to new acquaintances?

What I'm looking for is something along the lines of: "I recognize that my behavior in this instance isn't polite, and may even be rude, but I'm committed to it for moral reasons. I apologize for any offense, but I'm not going to change this behavior. Should this be unacceptable to you, please feel free to sever our acquaintance now," though preferably in condensed and less awkward form.

If some examples would be helpful, by far the most common is that I am committed to honesty and plain speaking, so I refuse to engage in the social dance of offering help expecting to be denied. Others include the social precedence of women qua women, and some of the titles and conventions used in addressing people (e.g. I'm not Mister Sandler, simply Oliver Sandler).

GENTLE READER: Etiquette does indeed make allowances for religious prohibitions and moral restrictions that conflict with the conventions. When faced with a conflicting expectation, people who do not, for example, drink or shake hands or eat certain foods or dance, need only say, "No, thank you," or "I'm afraid I can't" with as little explanation as possible.

But you are not talking about religion or morals, both of which -- far from excusing you from offering help -- expect such an offer to be genuine. Etiquette would require you to offer only sympathy if you had no intention of helping.

Nor is etiquette opposed to changing the conventional ladies-first system of precedence to a precedence system of deference based, for example, on age. This hasn't taken effect yet; however, many people have abandoned the gender precedence without replacing it, resulting in a Me First approach that etiquette does not approve.

Similarly, many have simply dropped using honorifics, to the point where Miss Manners, who is not as enamored as you of the no-frills life, fears that the very idea of using a title of respect will be forgotten.

So your behavior will likely be taken less as rudeness than as a commonly increasing lapse of manners. To attempt to paint yourself as acting out of principle, announcing that others can like it or lump it, would only confirm that you are skipping the ordinary courtesies on purpose.

What worries Miss Manners more is that part about plain speaking. Everyone claims to prefer it -- who would want to be subjected to lies and euphemisms? But unfortunately, the term "plain speaking" itself usually turns out to be a euphemism for insulting others. Miss Manners hopes that is not what you intend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Settle an ongoing argument. Wife insists on using placemats when using a tablecloth. I say the table cloth is the table covering and place mats are used when the wood of the table is exposed. Sometimes the man is right!

GENTLE READER: Indeed he is -- and you are. Miss Manners hopes you do not discover that being right does not always settle a marital argument.

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