DEAR MISS MANNERS: Occasionally, the rules of etiquette conflict with my religious and moral convictions. When this happens, is there a way I can signal this to new acquaintances?

What I'm looking for is something along the lines of: "I recognize that my behavior in this instance isn't polite, and may even be rude, but I'm committed to it for moral reasons. I apologize for any offense, but I'm not going to change this behavior. Should this be unacceptable to you, please feel free to sever our acquaintance now," though preferably in condensed and less awkward form.

If some examples would be helpful, by far the most common is that I am committed to honesty and plain speaking, so I refuse to engage in the social dance of offering help expecting to be denied. Others include the social precedence of women qua women, and some of the titles and conventions used in addressing people (e.g. I'm not Mister Sandler, simply Oliver Sandler).

GENTLE READER: Etiquette does indeed make allowances for religious prohibitions and moral restrictions that conflict with the conventions. When faced with a conflicting expectation, people who do not, for example, drink or shake hands or eat certain foods or dance, need only say, "No, thank you," or "I'm afraid I can't" with as little explanation as possible.

But you are not talking about religion or morals, both of which -- far from excusing you from offering help -- expect such an offer to be genuine. Etiquette would require you to offer only sympathy if you had no intention of helping.

Nor is etiquette opposed to changing the conventional ladies-first system of precedence to a precedence system of deference based, for example, on age. This hasn't taken effect yet; however, many people have abandoned the gender precedence without replacing it, resulting in a Me First approach that etiquette does not approve.

Similarly, many have simply dropped using honorifics, to the point where Miss Manners, who is not as enamored as you of the no-frills life, fears that the very idea of using a title of respect will be forgotten.

So your behavior will likely be taken less as rudeness than as a commonly increasing lapse of manners. To attempt to paint yourself as acting out of principle, announcing that others can like it or lump it, would only confirm that you are skipping the ordinary courtesies on purpose.

What worries Miss Manners more is that part about plain speaking. Everyone claims to prefer it -- who would want to be subjected to lies and euphemisms? But unfortunately, the term "plain speaking" itself usually turns out to be a euphemism for insulting others. Miss Manners hopes that is not what you intend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Settle an ongoing argument. Wife insists on using placemats when using a tablecloth. I say the table cloth is the table covering and place mats are used when the wood of the table is exposed. Sometimes the man is right!

GENTLE READER: Indeed he is -- and you are. Miss Manners hopes you do not discover that being right does not always settle a marital argument.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I discovered a Bible that belonged to my great-great-grandmother, and, as I have an avid interest in our family genealogy, I was thrilled! I am curious, however, about the form of her name that was engraved on the cover of the bible, "Mrs. Catharine Bowers."

My understanding of traditional methods of address would lead me to believe that she was divorced by using her given name and her husband's last name. A friend suggests that she may have been widowed when she received the Bible. Then I would have expected to see "Firstname Maidenname Marriedname."

Is there a different protocol or style for engraving on the cover of family Bibles? I am fairly certain that she and my great-great-grandfather did not divorce. They lived during the early 1800s.

GENTLE READER: People tend to forget that tradition is a moving target. You are accurate about today's tradition, from which, Miss Manners notes, the no-frills crowd is now fleeing, abandoning the use of honorifics altogether.

But your great-great-grandmother would never have heard of the tradition of a divorcee's combining her maiden and married surnames, which was invented in the mid-20th century. Before that, a divorce was always considered to be the husband's fault (even if a blameless husband gallantly assumed the blame), and the lady continued to be styled Mrs. Orville Witherspoon.

This served a double purpose: Proclaiming the lady's innocence and annoying the second Mrs. Orville Witherspoon.

For your ancestress to be traditional, she would have had to look back to the 18th century, when "Mrs." was simply an abbreviation for "Mistress," a then-respectable term that was used for the married and unmarried alike, with the lady's full name. Other abbreviations for "Mistress" were "Miss" and "Ms." (the latter not having been invented during 20th century femininism, as many now think, but merely revived).

There is no telling when the lady's husband died, because there has never been a special form for widows, nor is there now. Miss Manners hopes you enjoy your heirloom without being troubled by the thought that your great-great-grandparents' marriage was unhappy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Frequently, people prefer to be known by a middle name. I happened to find that someone I will be meeting prefers to be known by his middle name. The problem is that he has been knighted. As a further complication, I know that he is a retired army officer. Thus, he is (I will substitute names) Colonel Sir John Philip Smith.

Would it be better to call him "Sir John" or "Sir Philip"? He will probably introduce himself to me as "Philip Smith," but I feel that I should know the appropriate form of address.

GENTLE READER: Chances are, Miss Manners is guessing, that the gentleman did not interrupt the ceremony to say to the queen, "Oh, call me Phil; all my friends do."

Thus, when you address him formally, you call him Sir John. It is then up to him, if he wishes, to say "Oh, call me Phil..."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My problem is with dear friends of ours. The husbands know each other since before kindergarten, and the four of us have been close for years.

This couple is basically middle class. However, they spend like they're very wealthy (fancy car, expensive home improvements, extravagant vacations). Yet she is always complaining they have no money for these things, but "you get what you pay for" is their mantra.

My husband and I have always had houses, cars and vacations but are more frugal. Why am I so jealous? Help!

GENTLE READER: Why are you jealous of people who overspend themselves into a state of financial worry? Miss Manners cannot possibly imagine. But she will try.

Perhaps you are under the impression that fancy cars and such are more desirable than whatever you can afford. Well, that is pre-recession thinking. Understatement is now chic again. For what it's worth, you probably appear more chic than she does.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I adopted a child three years ago. He has become a happy, silly, active, loving child. When we were going through the adoption process, the topic of being a "conspicuous family" was discussed. As two men with a child, we fall into that category.

Several times over the last couple of years, we have been verbally attacked. Twice we have been in a grocery store when someone informed us that we were not a "real family." On one of these situations, we were even told that we were condemned to hell!

Another time, when I was having breakfast out with our son, I was discussing children with a woman who was there with two of her own. The conversation was casual and amiable. When I mentioned "my partner" in the conversation, she started shouting at me, "You're evil! You are doing that child a great injustice!"

Our son's birth mother was a heroin and cocaine user during her pregnancy. She had the presence of mind to realize she couldn't take care of him and chose us as his adoptive parents. We didn't decide to adopt to "save" a child, but the fact is, we will probably be able to give our son a much better life than if he had stayed with his birth mother.

How do we react to these people? It is so difficult to not get angry. I almost feel like we need to practice these situations so when they occur, we can react with dignity and composure.

GENTLE READER: A gentleman of Miss Manners' acquaintance was once subjected to a barrage of unwarranted insults. Outraged on his behalf, she asked why he did not trouble to defend himself.

His reply (and please forgive the inelegance for the sake of vividness) was: "If someone is throwing up on you, you get out of the way. You do not stay around to examine what is coming up."

There is nothing you can say to people who, whatever they may think, see fit to hurl crude insults at you, even in front of your son. A stiff "I'm sorry you feel that way" is all you can utter before turning your back.

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