DEAR MISS MANNERS: I discovered a Bible that belonged to my great-great-grandmother, and, as I have an avid interest in our family genealogy, I was thrilled! I am curious, however, about the form of her name that was engraved on the cover of the bible, "Mrs. Catharine Bowers."

My understanding of traditional methods of address would lead me to believe that she was divorced by using her given name and her husband's last name. A friend suggests that she may have been widowed when she received the Bible. Then I would have expected to see "Firstname Maidenname Marriedname."

Is there a different protocol or style for engraving on the cover of family Bibles? I am fairly certain that she and my great-great-grandfather did not divorce. They lived during the early 1800s.

GENTLE READER: People tend to forget that tradition is a moving target. You are accurate about today's tradition, from which, Miss Manners notes, the no-frills crowd is now fleeing, abandoning the use of honorifics altogether.

But your great-great-grandmother would never have heard of the tradition of a divorcee's combining her maiden and married surnames, which was invented in the mid-20th century. Before that, a divorce was always considered to be the husband's fault (even if a blameless husband gallantly assumed the blame), and the lady continued to be styled Mrs. Orville Witherspoon.

This served a double purpose: Proclaiming the lady's innocence and annoying the second Mrs. Orville Witherspoon.

For your ancestress to be traditional, she would have had to look back to the 18th century, when "Mrs." was simply an abbreviation for "Mistress," a then-respectable term that was used for the married and unmarried alike, with the lady's full name. Other abbreviations for "Mistress" were "Miss" and "Ms." (the latter not having been invented during 20th century femininism, as many now think, but merely revived).

There is no telling when the lady's husband died, because there has never been a special form for widows, nor is there now. Miss Manners hopes you enjoy your heirloom without being troubled by the thought that your great-great-grandparents' marriage was unhappy.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Frequently, people prefer to be known by a middle name. I happened to find that someone I will be meeting prefers to be known by his middle name. The problem is that he has been knighted. As a further complication, I know that he is a retired army officer. Thus, he is (I will substitute names) Colonel Sir John Philip Smith.

Would it be better to call him "Sir John" or "Sir Philip"? He will probably introduce himself to me as "Philip Smith," but I feel that I should know the appropriate form of address.

GENTLE READER: Chances are, Miss Manners is guessing, that the gentleman did not interrupt the ceremony to say to the queen, "Oh, call me Phil; all my friends do."

Thus, when you address him formally, you call him Sir John. It is then up to him, if he wishes, to say "Oh, call me Phil..."

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My problem is with dear friends of ours. The husbands know each other since before kindergarten, and the four of us have been close for years.

This couple is basically middle class. However, they spend like they're very wealthy (fancy car, expensive home improvements, extravagant vacations). Yet she is always complaining they have no money for these things, but "you get what you pay for" is their mantra.

My husband and I have always had houses, cars and vacations but are more frugal. Why am I so jealous? Help!

GENTLE READER: Why are you jealous of people who overspend themselves into a state of financial worry? Miss Manners cannot possibly imagine. But she will try.

Perhaps you are under the impression that fancy cars and such are more desirable than whatever you can afford. Well, that is pre-recession thinking. Understatement is now chic again. For what it's worth, you probably appear more chic than she does.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I adopted a child three years ago. He has become a happy, silly, active, loving child. When we were going through the adoption process, the topic of being a "conspicuous family" was discussed. As two men with a child, we fall into that category.

Several times over the last couple of years, we have been verbally attacked. Twice we have been in a grocery store when someone informed us that we were not a "real family." On one of these situations, we were even told that we were condemned to hell!

Another time, when I was having breakfast out with our son, I was discussing children with a woman who was there with two of her own. The conversation was casual and amiable. When I mentioned "my partner" in the conversation, she started shouting at me, "You're evil! You are doing that child a great injustice!"

Our son's birth mother was a heroin and cocaine user during her pregnancy. She had the presence of mind to realize she couldn't take care of him and chose us as his adoptive parents. We didn't decide to adopt to "save" a child, but the fact is, we will probably be able to give our son a much better life than if he had stayed with his birth mother.

How do we react to these people? It is so difficult to not get angry. I almost feel like we need to practice these situations so when they occur, we can react with dignity and composure.

GENTLE READER: A gentleman of Miss Manners' acquaintance was once subjected to a barrage of unwarranted insults. Outraged on his behalf, she asked why he did not trouble to defend himself.

His reply (and please forgive the inelegance for the sake of vividness) was: "If someone is throwing up on you, you get out of the way. You do not stay around to examine what is coming up."

There is nothing you can say to people who, whatever they may think, see fit to hurl crude insults at you, even in front of your son. A stiff "I'm sorry you feel that way" is all you can utter before turning your back.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a student who really takes her studies seriously. I am academically inclined and enjoy learning, and so I do a lot of extra reading on my own time. Unfortunately, this puts me in an awkward situation: I often notice my teachers' errors.

I never know whether or not I should say anything. It's rude to correct people, and I don't want to seem like a bratty know-it-all. But at the same time, it pains me to see my fellow students taking down and memorizing information that I know to be factually inaccurate.

Is there a way to alert my teachers to their (sometimes distressingly frequent) errors without seeming rude and disrespectful? Or should I just sit silent and sigh to myself?

GENTLE READER: No, speak up. Socially, it is rude to correct others. In the classroom, where the pursuit of knowledge is the goal, this might be considered your duty.

But watch out.

The greatest danger is not that you will be insulting your teacher. It is that you will confidently announce a correction from a source that your teacher, who is presumably more widely read in the field, knows is discredited.

Miss Manners is far from saying that teachers are always right. The best of them can make mistakes, and the very best of them would think well of a student astute enough to uncover a mistake.

But books, also, can contain mistakes. Scholarship is constantly being revised in the light of old errors, new discoveries and novel theories. She therefore advises you to put your information in the form of a question, stating the book in which you read it and asking if different sources disagree on the point.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have discovered that I have fallen into the habit of over-apologizing. I seek to always be polite and to keep my social interactions pleasant and smooth, but I have become quick to drop an "I'm sorry" for things that are clearly not my fault or have not inconvenienced anyone. For example, someone stepping on my foot or dropping my own handbag several feet away from any passersby.

I have been trying to substitute "Excuse me" as much as possible, but could you please suggest other things I may say to minimize my apologies? I am beginning to feel that the sheer excess is starting to diminish my sincerity, and that would make me truly... sorry.

GENTLE READER: Here is your new vocabulary:

"Oops." And its slightly merrier variation: "Whoops!" And "Ow" if someone steps on your foot, in which case that person gets to make the apology.

The first two have a certain insouciant charm, as opposed to the unnecessary breast-beating you have been practicing. If you insist on something longer, Miss Manners offers you "Oh, dear, I'm so clumsy" when you drop something.

Much as etiquette appreciates apologies, you mustn't wear them out. Save them for when you do something truly dreadful, and then use them to wear other people out until they give up and forgive you.

: