DEAR MISS MANNERS: My problem is with dear friends of ours. The husbands know each other since before kindergarten, and the four of us have been close for years.

This couple is basically middle class. However, they spend like they're very wealthy (fancy car, expensive home improvements, extravagant vacations). Yet she is always complaining they have no money for these things, but "you get what you pay for" is their mantra.

My husband and I have always had houses, cars and vacations but are more frugal. Why am I so jealous? Help!

GENTLE READER: Why are you jealous of people who overspend themselves into a state of financial worry? Miss Manners cannot possibly imagine. But she will try.

Perhaps you are under the impression that fancy cars and such are more desirable than whatever you can afford. Well, that is pre-recession thinking. Understatement is now chic again. For what it's worth, you probably appear more chic than she does.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My partner and I adopted a child three years ago. He has become a happy, silly, active, loving child. When we were going through the adoption process, the topic of being a "conspicuous family" was discussed. As two men with a child, we fall into that category.

Several times over the last couple of years, we have been verbally attacked. Twice we have been in a grocery store when someone informed us that we were not a "real family." On one of these situations, we were even told that we were condemned to hell!

Another time, when I was having breakfast out with our son, I was discussing children with a woman who was there with two of her own. The conversation was casual and amiable. When I mentioned "my partner" in the conversation, she started shouting at me, "You're evil! You are doing that child a great injustice!"

Our son's birth mother was a heroin and cocaine user during her pregnancy. She had the presence of mind to realize she couldn't take care of him and chose us as his adoptive parents. We didn't decide to adopt to "save" a child, but the fact is, we will probably be able to give our son a much better life than if he had stayed with his birth mother.

How do we react to these people? It is so difficult to not get angry. I almost feel like we need to practice these situations so when they occur, we can react with dignity and composure.

GENTLE READER: A gentleman of Miss Manners' acquaintance was once subjected to a barrage of unwarranted insults. Outraged on his behalf, she asked why he did not trouble to defend himself.

His reply (and please forgive the inelegance for the sake of vividness) was: "If someone is throwing up on you, you get out of the way. You do not stay around to examine what is coming up."

There is nothing you can say to people who, whatever they may think, see fit to hurl crude insults at you, even in front of your son. A stiff "I'm sorry you feel that way" is all you can utter before turning your back.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a student who really takes her studies seriously. I am academically inclined and enjoy learning, and so I do a lot of extra reading on my own time. Unfortunately, this puts me in an awkward situation: I often notice my teachers' errors.

I never know whether or not I should say anything. It's rude to correct people, and I don't want to seem like a bratty know-it-all. But at the same time, it pains me to see my fellow students taking down and memorizing information that I know to be factually inaccurate.

Is there a way to alert my teachers to their (sometimes distressingly frequent) errors without seeming rude and disrespectful? Or should I just sit silent and sigh to myself?

GENTLE READER: No, speak up. Socially, it is rude to correct others. In the classroom, where the pursuit of knowledge is the goal, this might be considered your duty.

But watch out.

The greatest danger is not that you will be insulting your teacher. It is that you will confidently announce a correction from a source that your teacher, who is presumably more widely read in the field, knows is discredited.

Miss Manners is far from saying that teachers are always right. The best of them can make mistakes, and the very best of them would think well of a student astute enough to uncover a mistake.

But books, also, can contain mistakes. Scholarship is constantly being revised in the light of old errors, new discoveries and novel theories. She therefore advises you to put your information in the form of a question, stating the book in which you read it and asking if different sources disagree on the point.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have discovered that I have fallen into the habit of over-apologizing. I seek to always be polite and to keep my social interactions pleasant and smooth, but I have become quick to drop an "I'm sorry" for things that are clearly not my fault or have not inconvenienced anyone. For example, someone stepping on my foot or dropping my own handbag several feet away from any passersby.

I have been trying to substitute "Excuse me" as much as possible, but could you please suggest other things I may say to minimize my apologies? I am beginning to feel that the sheer excess is starting to diminish my sincerity, and that would make me truly... sorry.

GENTLE READER: Here is your new vocabulary:

"Oops." And its slightly merrier variation: "Whoops!" And "Ow" if someone steps on your foot, in which case that person gets to make the apology.

The first two have a certain insouciant charm, as opposed to the unnecessary breast-beating you have been practicing. If you insist on something longer, Miss Manners offers you "Oh, dear, I'm so clumsy" when you drop something.

Much as etiquette appreciates apologies, you mustn't wear them out. Save them for when you do something truly dreadful, and then use them to wear other people out until they give up and forgive you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a loss as to how to handle my ex-husband's girlfriend. She and my husband were together many times before the end of our marriage, and I see her as a home-wrecker in the least and unprintable names at the worst.

I am forced to be civil to my ex because of our son, but am I also required to acknowledge her? In the next few weeks, we will be at the same soccer game together, and I don't know what to do or say to her, nor how to handle the inevitable meeting on the sidelines to congratulate my son.

GENTLE READER: The term "home wrecker" has always puzzled Miss Manners. She has no wish to defend the people to whom it is applied, but surely home wrecking cannot be accomplished without a permit from one of the homeowners. Yet marital wrath is often stronger toward the outsider than against the insider who allowed her in.

True, you say you are civil to your former husband only for the sake of your son, which is a wise course to take. But don't you realize how devastating it would be to your son to use the public occasion of his game to demonstrate your contempt for his father's companion?

Besides, you have an additional reason to be civil to her. That is that you want to make her feel terrible.

If you cut her or, worse, say something cutting, you will broadcast the impression that you are either ill natured or devastated or both. This will only confirm any notion she holds that your former husband was justified in leaving you and that she has secured a prize that you -- with your longer experience of what he is like -- still want.

If, however, you are able to be cheerful and cordial, you will broadcast the impression that you are not only good-natured, but happy to be relieved of the burden she has assumed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of mine recently borrowed an automobile for a period of two days. When she picked it up, the gas tank was almost empty. Before returning it, she felt obliged to fill the tank completely -- at a significant cost, given today's gasoline prices.

I was of the opinion that her only obligation was to return the vehicle in the condition it was received -- including the amount of gasoline.

If it were taken with a full tank, it should be returned with a full tank. However, although it might be a nice gesture or expression of thanks to fill the tank, the price seems like a steep price to pay to borrow someone's car for a short period of time.

Is there a special rule for this situation, or does it fall under the general principal to treat loaned items with care and return them in the same condition in which they were received?

GENTLE READER: But things are not the same as they were before the loan was made, Miss Manners insists. The car is two days older, with more mileage, and its owner has been without it for two days.

We therefore must recognize that a favor has been done, and, therefore, that your friend is in the car owner's debt.

But how does one pay such a debt?

Money is out of the question; that would insult a generosity by turning it into a car rental. A return favor is owed, but it may be some time before the opportunity for such presents itself.

So your friend has done something thoughtful in the meantime. Why do you grudge this?

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