DEAR MISS MANNERS: My younger brother (45 years old) is getting married for the third time. After his first divorce was final, he married a woman he had known for less than three months.

His second divorce was final two weeks ago, and he will soon marry another woman who he has known for less than four months. He has three teenage sons -- shared custody with their Mom (the first wife). No children from marriage No. 2, and the newest woman has children in their 20s.

He and newest woman want a big wedding, and I am refusing to attend, as I believe the sanctity of marriage is a joke as far as my brother is concerned. I am also appalled at the role model he is setting for his three sons. History has proven he is more interested in "the thrill of the kill" than being a husband. My mother is insisting that my husband and I go, just to keep peace in the family. I think that attending would be a sign that I agree with this "holy" matrimonial union. Is it rude of me not to go or am I being judgmental?

GENTLE READER: Could you manage to be judgmental without being rude?

That is to say, you are certainly free to judge this marriage to be doomed, as long as you are not rude enough to go public with this thought. You are free to talk it over within the family, as you have already done, but boycotting the wedding is a conspicuous insult. If you do not attend, Miss Manners hopes you will leave town so that your absence seems unavoidable.

And you should know that attending a wedding is not an endorsement of the union. If the guest list were a referendum on the future success -- or holiness -- of the marriage, weddings would be lonely events.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been a lector at my parish for about 20 years and am frequently complimented on the job that I do. However, I have long been at a loss as to how to respond.

On the one hand, I do work hard in advance to prepare the texts I am asked to read before the assembly (and I also teach literature, so I have a particular appreciation for the written word). On the other, I do truly believe that it is also a combination of my love for the texts and God's grace that help me to proclaim effectively and let God's light shine through when I read.

A simple "thank you" to the person complimenting me has never seemed enough. I would like to acknowledge that it's not all "me" at work here without making it sound like I am somehow special or singled out with a particular gift. Might you be able to help me articulate my thanks more effectively?

GENTLE READER: You are on dangerous ground here, as Miss Manners trusts that you realize. However well meant, attempts to share credit with God, such as one sometimes hears from victorious athletes, often come out sounding like bragging of being especially anointed.

That simple "thank you" would be enough, but you can add, "The text is so inspiring, don't you think?" This suggests that you were inspired, while acknowledging modestly that anyone would be.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have recently become disabled due to MS. Depending on the day, I use a cane, crutches or a wheelchair.

I have run across curious people who ask intrusive medical questions, skeptical people who ask rude questions designed to discover whether or not I am faking it and overly anxious people who just don't know what to do.

I feel as if I've handled most of these above situations well, but there is one I still am completely at a loss with: pity.

I am quite surprised to get it as I am still quite vigorous, active, and cheerful -- my old self except for the visible presence of mobility equipment and perhaps the propensity to sit down more often. I am not dragging myself around mournfully, sighing and wiping away a tear whenever I see a youth happily running down the street.

What is the polite response to pity? This can be a pitiful look, an explanation that someone is praying for me or voiced anguished misery at the fact that I am disabled.

I have tried looking deeply uncomfortable, abruptly changing the subject, brightly and somewhat idiotically remarking upon how utterly delightful my life is, and even fleeing certain transgressors when I see them coming, but nothing seems to work. I have found myself growing more and more irritable with these displays.

I will be going to a large family gathering soon, and at least one relative has told me that she is "dreading" seeing me in the chair for the first time. Suddenly, I am dreading it, too. Do you have any pointers?

GENTLE READER: It pleases Miss Manners that you want to react politely. But not, she trusts, in the sense of "making everyone feel comfortable," which many believe to be etiquette's only goal.

It is perfectly polite to respond to what people actually said, rather than to the meaning they thought they conveyed. The person who said she dreaded seeing you in a wheelchair could be told, "Well, I'll try to keep out of your way, but it's going to be difficult for us to avoid each other." An offer to pray for you could be met with a breezy, "Thank you; I'll pray for you, too," or a gentle, "Thank you, but don't you want to save your prayers for those who need help?"

Looks may also be returned in kind. To avoid mimicking the pity look, add a sad smile that seems to say, "Oh, you poor thing, you can't help it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When making an introduction, is it necessary to disclose the significance of the person before you say their name?

Example: This is my brother Paul. This is my wife, this is my better half, this is my partner, etc.

GENTLE READER: Family relationships, yes; significance, no.

The rule was made to avoid introducing someone as "my friend," which implies that the other person being introduced is not a friend. But "my brother, wife, partner" (partner now being a conventional term) should be mentioned. If the ban against significance encourages you to drop that patronizing phrase, "my better half," Miss Manners will be grateful.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son has just learned that he is the father of a 4-month-old child. Mother and father are not together.

How do we inform our friends and family that we are grandparents? Would sending formal birth announcements be proper? Would hosting a baby shower be appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Do you perhaps have a bit of homework to do before you hit the social scene with this news?

Perhaps Miss Manners missed the part where you established more of a relationship with the mother of the baby than your son now has. But even under happier circumstances, it is not the place of the grandmother or any relative to give a baby shower, let alone one for a mother who is estranged from them.

Tell your friends the news so that you can deal with their questions as discreetly as you wish. Giving things to the baby -- not pressuring others to do so -- is one way to show your interest in the baby. A far more urgent one is befriending the mother. Should you manage that, you may be able to experience the joys of grandparenthood, including the minor one of receiving the congratulations of your friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a recent college graduate in my mid-20s. I make a modest but comfortable salary and have been supporting myself since I finished school.

As a fairly "new" adult, I have repeatedly found myself in situations where I feel I am in awkward limbo between young person and equal, uncertain how to behave.

For example, when dining out with people in my parents' generation (friends' parents, my superiors at work, etc.), I am never sure whether I should offer to pay or cover the tip. I don't want to act like a spoiled child, but I also don't want to offend anyone by presuming to be their equal when I've only just started out in my career and adult life. I certainly don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

Could you please offer some advice on how a young adult such as myself should act in the company of older acquaintances and colleagues? I am at a loss.

GENTLE READER: On the contrary. You have already accomplished the most difficult part of this transition: recognizing that you are an adult.

Many people never do, Miss Manners regrets to observe. There seem to be a lot of overaged spoiled children around, who feel forever exempt from reciprocating the generosity of their elders.

With your superiors at work, the key question is whether they are taking you out on an expense account to discuss work, in which case you owe only thanks. If not, you pay your own share.

Check-grabbing contests with your friends' parents and other social contacts are not graceful. What would be graceful would be to issue an occasional invitation to those who have entertained you. That it will not be in the same style is unimportant -- they will be immensely flattered at the sign that you enjoy their company, not just the meals they provide. Do it within your own price range -- perhaps for a drink, or tea, or brunch at your place.

If that is impossible, alternative forms of reciprocation could be occasionally bringing a small present, such as a book or DVD you think they might enjoy, or insisting on helping them with a problem they happen to mention (with a computer or new cell phone, or gardening or taxes -- whatever you can do that they admit is driving them crazy).

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