DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have recently become disabled due to MS. Depending on the day, I use a cane, crutches or a wheelchair.

I have run across curious people who ask intrusive medical questions, skeptical people who ask rude questions designed to discover whether or not I am faking it and overly anxious people who just don't know what to do.

I feel as if I've handled most of these above situations well, but there is one I still am completely at a loss with: pity.

I am quite surprised to get it as I am still quite vigorous, active, and cheerful -- my old self except for the visible presence of mobility equipment and perhaps the propensity to sit down more often. I am not dragging myself around mournfully, sighing and wiping away a tear whenever I see a youth happily running down the street.

What is the polite response to pity? This can be a pitiful look, an explanation that someone is praying for me or voiced anguished misery at the fact that I am disabled.

I have tried looking deeply uncomfortable, abruptly changing the subject, brightly and somewhat idiotically remarking upon how utterly delightful my life is, and even fleeing certain transgressors when I see them coming, but nothing seems to work. I have found myself growing more and more irritable with these displays.

I will be going to a large family gathering soon, and at least one relative has told me that she is "dreading" seeing me in the chair for the first time. Suddenly, I am dreading it, too. Do you have any pointers?

GENTLE READER: It pleases Miss Manners that you want to react politely. But not, she trusts, in the sense of "making everyone feel comfortable," which many believe to be etiquette's only goal.

It is perfectly polite to respond to what people actually said, rather than to the meaning they thought they conveyed. The person who said she dreaded seeing you in a wheelchair could be told, "Well, I'll try to keep out of your way, but it's going to be difficult for us to avoid each other." An offer to pray for you could be met with a breezy, "Thank you; I'll pray for you, too," or a gentle, "Thank you, but don't you want to save your prayers for those who need help?"

Looks may also be returned in kind. To avoid mimicking the pity look, add a sad smile that seems to say, "Oh, you poor thing, you can't help it."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When making an introduction, is it necessary to disclose the significance of the person before you say their name?

Example: This is my brother Paul. This is my wife, this is my better half, this is my partner, etc.

GENTLE READER: Family relationships, yes; significance, no.

The rule was made to avoid introducing someone as "my friend," which implies that the other person being introduced is not a friend. But "my brother, wife, partner" (partner now being a conventional term) should be mentioned. If the ban against significance encourages you to drop that patronizing phrase, "my better half," Miss Manners will be grateful.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our son has just learned that he is the father of a 4-month-old child. Mother and father are not together.

How do we inform our friends and family that we are grandparents? Would sending formal birth announcements be proper? Would hosting a baby shower be appropriate?

GENTLE READER: Do you perhaps have a bit of homework to do before you hit the social scene with this news?

Perhaps Miss Manners missed the part where you established more of a relationship with the mother of the baby than your son now has. But even under happier circumstances, it is not the place of the grandmother or any relative to give a baby shower, let alone one for a mother who is estranged from them.

Tell your friends the news so that you can deal with their questions as discreetly as you wish. Giving things to the baby -- not pressuring others to do so -- is one way to show your interest in the baby. A far more urgent one is befriending the mother. Should you manage that, you may be able to experience the joys of grandparenthood, including the minor one of receiving the congratulations of your friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm a recent college graduate in my mid-20s. I make a modest but comfortable salary and have been supporting myself since I finished school.

As a fairly "new" adult, I have repeatedly found myself in situations where I feel I am in awkward limbo between young person and equal, uncertain how to behave.

For example, when dining out with people in my parents' generation (friends' parents, my superiors at work, etc.), I am never sure whether I should offer to pay or cover the tip. I don't want to act like a spoiled child, but I also don't want to offend anyone by presuming to be their equal when I've only just started out in my career and adult life. I certainly don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

Could you please offer some advice on how a young adult such as myself should act in the company of older acquaintances and colleagues? I am at a loss.

GENTLE READER: On the contrary. You have already accomplished the most difficult part of this transition: recognizing that you are an adult.

Many people never do, Miss Manners regrets to observe. There seem to be a lot of overaged spoiled children around, who feel forever exempt from reciprocating the generosity of their elders.

With your superiors at work, the key question is whether they are taking you out on an expense account to discuss work, in which case you owe only thanks. If not, you pay your own share.

Check-grabbing contests with your friends' parents and other social contacts are not graceful. What would be graceful would be to issue an occasional invitation to those who have entertained you. That it will not be in the same style is unimportant -- they will be immensely flattered at the sign that you enjoy their company, not just the meals they provide. Do it within your own price range -- perhaps for a drink, or tea, or brunch at your place.

If that is impossible, alternative forms of reciprocation could be occasionally bringing a small present, such as a book or DVD you think they might enjoy, or insisting on helping them with a problem they happen to mention (with a computer or new cell phone, or gardening or taxes -- whatever you can do that they admit is driving them crazy).

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My boyfriend and I have been house- and dog-sitting for our friends. They were kind enough to leave us money for food and generous enough to offer the contents of their pantry.

After three nights staying there, we are increasingly suspicious that this couple may have a flea problem! We agreed to stay overnight with their dog for the next five nights, which, of course, we will do.

What is the least hurtful and embarrassing way to bring this likely (and itchy!) problem to their attention? Should we call them on vacation to get the dog to the vet, or should we wait for their return?

GENTLE READER: What would you do while you were waiting? Scratch?

As Miss Manners understands it, you were left in charge of their house and their dog. It is true that you should not be making structural changes in either without their permission. However, if you suspect that they might want to keep their fleas, you would probably not have agreed to housesit for them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Second to driving, I find that many of today's infractions on courtesy occur in the supermarket or retail centers. These places have the highest volume of people taking turns.

I was shopping with my infant son for a gift and stood at the service counter behind the second woman in line with her school-aged daughter. Another sales clerk came into the service counter, looked at me and said "I can help you over here."

Since the first woman checking out was almost done, I took my son to the other side and placed my purchase on the counter -- when the woman who was in front of me came over and pushed my purchase out of the way and said in a self-righteous manner, "I believe I was next."

I felt offended and embarrassed, and simply apologized out of being dumbfounded by her boldness. Then I was angry at myself for not being more assertive.

Was I wrong to perceive the clerk's invite as directed toward me and move to the opened register? If I were the person second in line, I do not think I would have even thought twice if the person behind me moved to the opened register.

GENTLE READER: Yes, you are wrong, but in your afterthought, rather than in your reaction at the time. Apparently, you now regret that you failed to contribute your share of supermarket rudeness to situation you began by deploring.

First come first served is such a well known convention that even if you were certain that the clerk was addressing you, you should have said, "I believe that this lady is ahead of me."

Notice that this is similar to the wording that the other shopper used; it is not in itself rude, although Miss Manners will take your word for the tone being unpleasant.

But after your mistake, you apologized, which was the polite thing to do. Had you been "more aggressive," as you now wish, you would have served as an answer to your own first question: There are many people who, like yourself, itch to escalate trivial infractions, or perceived infractions, into full-scale rudeness.

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