DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I was a young boy, my father stressed upon me that gentlemen shake hands -- always -- with the right hand - much like soldiers always salute with the right hand.

It presented a problem later in life when I was introduced to a man who had no right hand. He extended his left hand and, remembering what my father had taught me, I took it in my right hand.

Recently, I was reading Stephen King's "Duma Key." The central character, who is missing his right arm, says that the person he has just met has mistakenly used his right hand to shake the character's left hand. He was definite in the fact that doing so was "wrong."

When shaking hands with a person who has no right hand or arm, is it proper to use the left or the right hand? I guess the same could be said for a person whose right arm is burdened with packages. Does one wait for them to shift the packages, or for both to simply to acknowledge that they would forego custom, or to use the left hand?

GENTLE READER: However much you admire Mr. King, you should not mistake his books for etiquette manuals. Miss Manners means no disrespect to that author when she warns you that it would not be a good idea to model your behavior after his characters'.

Putting out a left hand to shake an extended left hand might be graceful among friends. And it would be graceful not to attempt to shake hands with those whose arms are holding packages. But to chastise a newcomer for not immediately registering "Oh! Here's a person with a missing hand!" is ridiculous. Polite people look each other in the eye when they meet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I recently moved cross-country for a job opportunity. Because we did not have the time to secure an apartment before our move, my husband's boss graciously offered his guesthouse as temporary accommodations.

When we find a place of our own (hopefully very soon as to not outwear our welcome), I would like to leave a thank you note and some token of our appreciation. Flowers for the hostess or a bottle of wine, perhaps? Is this customary or tacky?

GENTLE READER: Well, it is perfunctory. These are the sorts of things that guests bring to dinner parties, a single evening of a few hours, whereas you are receiving a house for as long as you require. That the house does not have a resident host might be considered an expression of the host's largesse, as well as of his resources.

So Miss Manners hopes you will put a bit more thought into your token of appreciation. (She says nothing of money, because a rich helping of thoughtfulness goes a long way in compensating for a modest outlay.) Having occupied this person's properly, you had an excellent opportunity to judge his taste.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you address mail to a same-sex married couple? I believe I should use the same formality that I do when addressing mail to an opposite sex couple, but I am not sure.

For example, if I know that one member of the couple has changed their last name to match their spouse and both are male, would I address it to Mr. and Mr. John Smith, using the first name of the one whose surname it was? The same question would apply to a female couple -- would I use Mrs. and Mrs. Jane Smith?

I have the same question when the surnames are different, would I use Mrs. Jane Smith and Mrs. Jane Doe? When I address mail to a couple that are of the opposite sex and I am aware that they are married and have different names, I still use the Mr. and Mrs. Husband's surname. Am I correct in doing so?

I also am assuming the marriage itself made the information of their relationship public and I would not be publicizing what could be construed as something that is not for all to know.

Should I worry that someone would notice how the mail is addressed and be concerned that I could be bringing about difficult times for the couple, since in our society there are folks who would persecute others when they disagree with those who have married a member of the same sex?

GENTLE READER: Thank you for not contributing to the general rude-ing down (the equivalent of dumbing down) of society by chucking honorifics altogether. When Miss Manners sees a letter baldly addressed "Martha Dribbleport," she always thinks it must be a summons.

Besides, updating old customs for new times happens to be her favorite part of this job. And there are formal forms other than Mr. and Mrs. from which to choose. In fact, that is the most awkward, although the most familiar, form since it does require choosing one given name, which unnamed halves are increasingly finding off-putting.

The plural of Mrs. is Mesdames and the plural of Mr. is Messrs. So a married female couple with the same surname would be Mesdames Jenna and Aurora Acorn, and a married male couple would be the Messrs. Jackson and Hal Thornton.

Then there is the two-line form, each name with its own title. This is used when an address is shared by unrelated people or by family members, such as siblings, but also to address married couples if the wife has a title such as Dr., Senator, Judge or Dame, or, you should note, if her surname is different from her husband's.

Miss Manners begs you not to concern yourself with the unlikely possibility that postal clerks have any interest in the marital arrangements of the public they serve. She reminds you that marriage is a matter of public record, and that to presume that others' marriages are better kept secret is insulting.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: This came up on my last vacation about getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom -- to flush or not to flush because of the noise and possibly waking the others?

GENTLE READER: Consider the alternative: Such a nice greeting for the first person up in the morning. Etiquette sometimes requires choosing the lesser evil.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: After attending the first of many weddings we were invited to, we have been made aware of a new trend Or, maybe it is an old trend that we were just unaware of.

It seems that wedding "invitations" aren't necessarily an invitation to the actual event, but could be just an "announcement" of the event with the expectation that you won't actually attend but will send a gift.

It now seems (after the fact) that our first invite was exactly that. I took the invitation at face value -- as an invitation to attend -- and did so at great expense because we had to travel quite a distance.

After we arrived in town, I was informed by a third party of a trend of sending "Courtesy Invitations" to people you don't expect to attend, and therefore, no RSVP card is included. (RSVP cards are not always a practice, depending on the type of wedding, so I wasn't concerned that one wasn't included.) Needless to say, I was mortified, embarrassed, hurt and offended that such a practice would even be considered. I have already purchased the airplane tickets to attend the next wedding, 2,000 miles away, and now I am wondering if we are "really" invited.

If one is "announcing" the wedding, why not send announcement cards instead of actual invitations? The postage is the same, and the consequences are much less offensive.

In this day and age, a lot of brides are printing their own invitations on their home computers. It is a simple act to change a line or two from "Request the Honour of your Presence" to "would like to announce" and remove all confusion.

GENTLE READER: It's been a while -- oh, maybe a week -- since Miss Manners heard of a new atrocity against etiquette invented by those who are planning weddings. But the idea of sending noninvitations ("Here's what we sent to people we want to attend, but you're not one of them") qualifies.

She is hoping against hope, or rather against experience, that this is the work of a lone crazy -- the person who told you this -- or at most, of a pair of them. Every time she thinks that, it is only to be deluged with reports that such a practice has spread like the flu.

But surely your supposed hosts know you are coming because you replied to their (apparent) invitations. Please don't tell Miss Manners that you bought into the absurd notion that a host who doesn't supply guests with the materials needed to reply doesn't care to get replies.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend invited me for her birthday dinner at her house, which, of course I attended, and naturally I had a gift for her.

A few days after the event, she came back to me asking me for payment for dinner, and apologizing that she did not mention this detail before hand.

I feel that this was in principle inappropriate, and I feel slighted. What do you think? How should I have reacted?

GENTLE READER: By apologizing that you did not realize it was a benefit, and commiserating with her plight. Should your friend deny being desperate, Miss Manners would forgive you for getting out your wallet and saying quietly, "Then how much do you charge for celebrating your birthday?"

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