DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am unsure of how to react to my co-workers' spiteful comments whenever I choose to spend my paid/personal time off (PTO). I am a single male, under 25 and don't have children.

The most common comment that I hear is an extremely sarcastic "Must be nice!" -- as if I am the sole person upon this planet to earn PTO.

These comments have only come from co-workers that have children. What is the proper response to these immature comments?

It is not my fault that someone chose to have a child. When these people receive their tax returns, I certainly do not make rude comments about how it "must be nice" to receive an $8,000 tax return simply for having children (the individuals I am referring to also have no qualms about openly discussing how they spend these funds on material items such as cars, televisions, etc.). Frankly, I have too much class than to behave in such a way.

I am extremely respectful and conservative in most situations, but hypocrisy will make my blood boil. I obviously cannot obliterate their faulty logic with a brutal one-liner, since I'm at work. What should I do?

GENTLE READER: Spiteful hypocrisy that makes your blood boil? Miss Manners is afraid that you have a very low boiling point. This is what passes as office humor. Please do not escalate it to brutal. There is enough unemployment as it is.

However, if you will settle for being merely annoying in return, you need only agree with your tormentors, oops, colleagues. As you leave, just call out, "Ah, yes, the life of the carefree bachelor! Have fun working!"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We attended two weddings that were at least a nine- and 13-hour drive away. One was on an island. These families are our very close friends.

We were not invited to the rehearsal dinners. As we were coming into town for the second wedding, we did get a call to come on over to the rehearsal dinner (it had already begun) but we were too far away and could not make it. We were surprised by our friends. They are not poor.

GENTLE READER: You were not in the rehearsals, were you? So why are you hurt at not being asked to the rehearsal dinners?

Yes, Miss Manners knows that you came a long way and that you know that there were rehearsal guests who were not in the rehearsal, either. The name of that event hangs on, even though it is now more often a catch-all for relatives, out-of-towners and such.

Well, apparently not a catch-all for all this time.

However, you cannot quite presume that a wedding invitation is always good for two days. Instead of suggesting that the idea was to save money (although the fact that they were not poor before paying the wedding bills doesn't mean they are not poor now), it would be kinder to assume that the rehearsal dinner was a rehearsal dinner.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I hosted a barbecue, to which we sent an open invitation to anyone who would like to attend. We posted the information several times around the Internet, with the note to e-mail me with the RSVP (plus the number of guests they would bring).

I went through a great deal of trouble to ensure there would be ample food available for all tastes and dietary/religious/personal ethics restrictions, and stated if they felt obligated to bring anything, a potluck dish or libations would be thanked and appreciated.

Let me tell you, we certainly did draw a crowd! We were even kind to our neighbors by having an after-party pre-arranged at a tavern to grant them their peace in the evening. We also cleaned up every last cigarette butt and bottle cap before we left, leaving no trace of our guests' presence. Our neighbors, in fact, have become even more neighborly since!

My husband and I run a popular entertainment business and have hundreds of thousands of online "friends." Because of this, we purposely did not post our home address publicly, but rather asked guests to request it if they did not already know, to curtail possible identity theft. So while I again disliked not providing our address, we just couldn't risk one of those "friends" being anything but friendly.

A couple of people who we casually know were miffed we did not contact them and invite them personally. To be honest, I am not sure we even have the phone numbers or e-mail addresses of these people, who complained through a third party.

If I made a bad judgment, how should I have handled this? I truly enjoy being a gracious hostess, and it really hurt me to think I was anything but. This has been bothering me for weeks now, and I hope you can help me see my fault, if I made any.

GENTLE READER: Were you serving red herring? There are so many false clues in your account that Miss Manners is quite dizzy doing U-turns.

Did the dangerous concept of the open invitation attract undesirables? Did your efforts to meet everyone's food requirements miss someone who had an allergic attack? Did the neighbors make a fuss in spite of your precautions? Was your address posted by guests and your identity stolen?

None of the above. Whew. It is only that people you don't even know well enough to know how to contact are grousing that they were not invited. Aren't you glad they weren't?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a part-time executive assistant, and part of my job is to manage files, sort out business papers, etc., in the office. My boss is asking me to sort his old papers, arrange all his files in order (from 20 years) that he has stored, at his home, for a month, which is not a part of my job. How do i say no to him and still retain my job?

GENTLE READER: "I can't take on a second job right now, but let me help you find someone. How much do you want to pay?"

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband of 15 years and I have been responsible with our finances, and our small but nice home is well below what we can afford. We live in an affluent area with numerous high-priced homes.

Throughout the years, I have had to endure snobby put downs from neighbors about our house and the cars we drive, etc.

With the downturn in the economy, things are tough for a lot of our neighbors. Conversations with them inevitably turn toward finances. They are worried about losing their jobs and their businesses being slow.

I simply state that things are not bad for us, and I'm not worried. The "neighbors" then state that I am being foolish and I should be grateful for having a job. I state that we have not drowned ourselves in debt and have a mortgage we can easily afford.

That usually ends our conversation, which is funny since I didn't hold it against them when they made statements I felt were unkind. Do I need be less blunt or make up some feigned concern over finances to keep small talking with these people? My husband is able to keep the conversation neutral, I am not so glib.

GENTLE READER: See what happens when a society decides that it has the power to declare etiquette rules defunct?

Miss Manners reminds you (and everybody else) that etiquette has never rescinded the rule against discussing money under social circumstances. Doing so never leads to any good. (This does not exclude seeking private financial or shopping advice from friends; the idea is to discourage nosiness, bragging and put-downs.)

Yet, as the society grew crasser, a condition its promoters describe as "open and honest," comparing prices has became a staple of social conversation:

"I bet those shoes set you back a bundle."

"We got an incredible bargain on this flight. How much did you pay?"

"How can you afford that on what you must make?"

"Come on, you can donate more than that -- I know what that car must have cost."

And so on. You should never be drawn into such talk. If your snobbish neighbors are now telling you their financial troubles, you need only reply that you are sorry and hope things get better, and answer any impertinent warnings with, "I'm sure you wish us well, too."

You may have to practice not looking self-satisfied when you say this.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After dining in someone's home, should the guests offer to do the dishes? If they are told by the host it is not necessary, should they insist? Are the hosts to think them rude if they do not clean up?

GENTLE READER-- Just when Miss Manners was about to say that no, of course guests should never be expected to do the dishes, she was struck by the thought that you and she may not have the same guests in mind.

Guests at an informal dinner party may volunteer to help serve and clear, although they should not insist if the offer is refused. Help is not always helpful. By the time the real cleaning up is done, they should have gone home.

But what if you mean houseguests, who are of necessity around when the dishwashing is done? Or grown-up children at their parents' for dinner?

Houseguests should try hard for permission to help. And the children should not just offer but insist.

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