DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband of 15 years and I have been responsible with our finances, and our small but nice home is well below what we can afford. We live in an affluent area with numerous high-priced homes.

Throughout the years, I have had to endure snobby put downs from neighbors about our house and the cars we drive, etc.

With the downturn in the economy, things are tough for a lot of our neighbors. Conversations with them inevitably turn toward finances. They are worried about losing their jobs and their businesses being slow.

I simply state that things are not bad for us, and I'm not worried. The "neighbors" then state that I am being foolish and I should be grateful for having a job. I state that we have not drowned ourselves in debt and have a mortgage we can easily afford.

That usually ends our conversation, which is funny since I didn't hold it against them when they made statements I felt were unkind. Do I need be less blunt or make up some feigned concern over finances to keep small talking with these people? My husband is able to keep the conversation neutral, I am not so glib.

GENTLE READER: See what happens when a society decides that it has the power to declare etiquette rules defunct?

Miss Manners reminds you (and everybody else) that etiquette has never rescinded the rule against discussing money under social circumstances. Doing so never leads to any good. (This does not exclude seeking private financial or shopping advice from friends; the idea is to discourage nosiness, bragging and put-downs.)

Yet, as the society grew crasser, a condition its promoters describe as "open and honest," comparing prices has became a staple of social conversation:

"I bet those shoes set you back a bundle."

"We got an incredible bargain on this flight. How much did you pay?"

"How can you afford that on what you must make?"

"Come on, you can donate more than that -- I know what that car must have cost."

And so on. You should never be drawn into such talk. If your snobbish neighbors are now telling you their financial troubles, you need only reply that you are sorry and hope things get better, and answer any impertinent warnings with, "I'm sure you wish us well, too."

You may have to practice not looking self-satisfied when you say this.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: After dining in someone's home, should the guests offer to do the dishes? If they are told by the host it is not necessary, should they insist? Are the hosts to think them rude if they do not clean up?

GENTLE READER-- Just when Miss Manners was about to say that no, of course guests should never be expected to do the dishes, she was struck by the thought that you and she may not have the same guests in mind.

Guests at an informal dinner party may volunteer to help serve and clear, although they should not insist if the offer is refused. Help is not always helpful. By the time the real cleaning up is done, they should have gone home.

But what if you mean houseguests, who are of necessity around when the dishwashing is done? Or grown-up children at their parents' for dinner?

Houseguests should try hard for permission to help. And the children should not just offer but insist.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been friends with a fellow for several years, even before he was married. My husband and I have recently divorced, and I now find myself in need of guy help on occasion.

Is it proper for me to contact him directly to ask his help, or do I need to contact his wife? We have not been really close since his marriage, and so I do not know the wife very well.

GENTLE READER: Nor are you likely to using the tactics you suggest.

Miss Manners has always considered it outrageous that divorcees are often automatically assumed to be predators. And she is not suspicious of every friendship between ladies and gentlemen.

But do you seriously imagine that the following is a reasonable scenario?

Husband: I'll be out this afternoon -- an old friend needs my help.

Wife: Really, dear, who's that?

Husband: Prudence Priestly. You don't know her -- I haven't really seen her since we were married.

Wife: And she's inviting us over?

Husband: No, just me. She just got divorced and wants me to go over occasionally. She didn't exactly say what for, but she said guy things.

Wife: Oh, sure. Have fun.

Miss Manners rather doubts it. If you want to resume your friendship with the husband, you make friends with the wife. But it has to become a very warm and reciprocal friendship before you ask anyone to do your chores when he should probably be doing his own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I scored some tickets off eBay for the Michael Jackson Memorial Concert. It cost a lot of money, but we heard it was THE place to be. Two etiquette issues came up, and we hope you'll resolve them.

We liked the first performance a lot, and started clapping. Then my friend started yelling, "Encore!" Now personally, I didn't think it was proper to do this at a memorial service. Who knows if the singer even had time to prepare a second song?

But later, a guy came out who was obviously just phoning it in. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy was lip-syncing. So I started boo-ing. I paid good money for this and felt I deserved better. Now my friend shushed me, saying it wasn't polite to boo at a memorial service. I think she was just trying to get even with me for earlier.

GENTLE READER: Some manners debate that was. You shushed her for yelling for an encore, which you think she resented, and then you yelled boos and resented her shushing you.

At memorial services, no reaction should be made, not even clapping, as the music is intended to honor the dead, not to amuse an audience. At a paid performance, a range of reactions is permitted.

As this was a hybrid event, you could have chosen to go by either rule. But since you each violated the principles you stated, Miss Manners will thank you both to get out of the etiquette business.

:

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Once upon a time, when friends phoned, I considered the call a symbol of enduring appreciation of our friendship. There was a time when I recognized and appreciated the energy and thought necessary to suspend important actions on the to-do list to pick up the phone and just say hey.

Not so anymore. Not with the advent of the mobile phone.

Now I get calls from long-distance friends in enforced alone-time, the reduced-to-no-other-activity-time of driving from one errand to another.

I completely understand this happening occasionally, or even frequently -- but ALL the time? I struggle with these calls. It's just too easy these days to tick me off at no cost -- "Good, done!"

What is ultimately annoying about these calls is that I myself am not driving; I myself am in the middle of doing something important, I myself must stop the all-important to-do list activity to help efficiently and effectively fill the dead space of my no-cost call friend(s).

Isn't a good friendship about caring and costing?

Oh, and here's the icing -- just yesterday, a friend excused herself, put me down while she talked to a clerk, then picked me back up and rather smugly said, "Sorry, I find it rude to the clerk to talk on the phone while paying."

Huuuuh? Chopped liver, here I am!

"Errrrrr, ye-eees, so do I."

Instead of pleasure, I struggle with annoyance, even anger. I don't know how to bring it up: Would you please occasionally call me when it's inconvenient? Would you mind terribly adding me to your already cramped schedule of things you must do when you're not driving? Sorry, I'm in the middle of something -- just so it's even, let's coordinate a time when we're both driving. If you loved me, you'd call me when you're not rushing.

I have figured out my "in" from typing this e-mail. With the friend I talked with yesterday, I am going to say, "Do you remember when you put me down to talk with the clerk...." Still awkward, but at least it's an in.

GENTLE READER: Not the best one, however. That is the opening to a conversation criticizing your friends' manners, which would be awkward at best.

And you don't even have that strong a case.

Miss Manners is not denying that your friends' habit of chatting when they are idle -- but you are not -- is annoying. You are the one who is denying it.

Every time you pick up the telephone when you are too busy to talk constitutes a denial. Every time you pick it up but fail to say, "Sorry, I can't talk now, I'll call you later" constitutes a denial. And every time you stay on the telephone long enough for a friend to get to the front of the line in a store constitutes a denial.

Changing one of these habits should be infinitely easier than holding an "if you loved me" talk with a friend.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you think about Sen. Barbara Boxer being addressed as "ma'am" rather than as "Senator" by a U.S. Brigadier General during a Senatorial hearing? Was this really a breach of protocol, or not?

GENTLE READER: Let us not go looking for insults -- or assume stupidity, which it would be for anyone to insult a senator at a senatorial hearing.

Miss Manners assures you that "ma'am" is, like its masculine equivalent, "sir," a highly respectful form suitable for addressing any female, including a president, a monarch and your own mother.

: