DEAR MISS MANNERS: Customarily, my wife and I send out several thousand dollars of charitable checks. This year, I am probably out of a job. Out of work, with no income.

There are only about three organizations to which I feel truly obligated and indebted, and I will send them a token amount (20 percent of previous years) and a note of explanation, and a pledge to send more, if and when I can.

What am I supposed to do with the other 97 charities to which I have been giving for many years?

If I waste 44 cents each to tell them I have no money to give, they will ignore that note and keep on begging and bleating that they deserve my charitable dollars. They will each spend many times 44 cents to try to shame me into giving money I don't have.

If I ignore their entreaties, they will keep on sending more letters begging and bleating. I mean, I know these guys well. They are not bashful about sending more begging, bleating letters even after I have sent them a contribution. If I send them X $ of contribution, they beg me to send more $ to renew my "Membership." If I pay my Membership, they beg piteously for an extra contribution. I know these guys.

What should I do? I don't want to insult them -- even though they are happy to insult ME by implying I am a cheapskate for not sending them my last dollar. What's the price of a postcard? Is that OK?

GENTLE READER: It has always puzzled Miss Manners to find how often those who work on behalf of other people in general feel free to annoy the particular people with whom they come into contact. The Mrs. Jellyby syndrome, so cleverly delineated by that nice Mr. Dickens.

Yet doing so is, as you have experienced, common fundraising practice. As you point out, the grating pleas will continue no matter what you do. So it seems futile to offer an explanation unless you can get the attention of someone in a position to stop using charity money to be rude.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: With all the sicknesses, swine flu, etc., going around, when my pastor asks us, at the beginning of church, to introduce ourselves to everyone sitting around us, everybody wants to shake your hand.

Since I'm on a lot of medicines that make me susceptible to many sicknesses, this makes me very concerned. How can I politely refuse to shake one's hand without offending them?

The only thing I could come up with is saying that I am sorry but I think that I am coming down with a cold. Needless to say, this is telling a lie, and saying this every week kind of defeats the purpose of going to church.

GENTLE READER: Not only that, but people would begin to wonder whether you never got over your cold because you were too dumb to come in from the rain.

People devote so much time and anguish providing excuses, true or false, when excuses are rarely necessary. What you need is an apology -- in this case, "I'm so sorry, I can't shake hands."

Or you could take the matter up with your preacher, asking him to substitute a less tactile gesture. Or just wear gloves.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother is remarrying this summer, and he and his fiancee are inviting only their immediate families to the wedding and reception.

I would like to host a bridal shower to introduce his fiancee to our large extended family. My difficulty comes from wanting to avoid offending anyone.

While this is my brother's second marriage, it is his fiancee's first, so I'm not sure whether a shower is appropriate or not. The people I plan to invite will not be invited to the wedding or reception. Also, I want to avoid any implication that guests to the function should bring a gift. I would just like to have a friendly "get to know the family" party for my brother's fiancee.

How should I handle this without huge offense to the guests or my future sister-in-law?

GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is reminded of the time, just a few centuries ago, when that nice artist known as Veronese got into trouble with the Inquisition for putting supposedly irreverent figures in his painting, "The Last Supper." He was ordered to change it.

And so he did. Not the painting, but the title. He left the picture as it was and changed the title to "Feast in the House of Levi."

If you are still with us, you are wondering what on earth this has to do with your party for your brother's future wife.

Well, a shower is a party given by friends, not relatives; the guests are also invited to the wedding; and they bring presents. Three reasons that your party would be offensive.

Unless you stop calling it a shower. There is no reason that you cannot give a party to introduce your future sister-in-law to family and friends.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are having a baby in about eight months. A relative has requested that, although we will find out the sex of the baby at about six months, that we keep the sex and name secret from her until the birth.

She has no objection to hearing all about the pregnancy and our plans -- she's very interested. But she wants us to keep back those two pieces of information until she wants to have them.

I do not think this is a reasonable request. I tried to respond politely that I would try but I didn't think I would be able to. Does a person have a right to ask an expecting mother to self-censor selectively?

GENTLE READER: You don't think it's cute that your relative wants to be surprised? Think what a huge hit she will be at playing peek-a-boo with your baby.

In any case, Miss Manners does not consider this a First Amendment issue requiring a protest against censorship. Your having announced the pregnancy shortly after it occurred suggests that you are not good at discretion. But please try to maintain the suspense with this relative, and be prepared to deliver an apologetic "Oops" if you slip.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I'm sorry to say I have behaved badly. Roughly 18 months ago, an acquaintance lost two of his children in a terrible house fire, and I did not send a condolence note. (I was coping with depression because of a profound life change at the time, but that's not an excuse -- I am ashamed of not having written to him.) Sooner or later I'll run into him, and I'd like to say, "I'm so sorry about your children, and I'm sorry that I was not in touch at the time; you have been in my thoughts and my prayers."

All of that is true, but is it appropriate? If not, what should I say? Also, I assume that writing to him now would be inappropriate, but is that true? Should I write to him now, apologizing for (but not providing information about/an excuse for) not having written sooner?

GENTLE READER: Granted that it would have been good to write immediately, why would you think it would be inappropriate now to offer your sympathy?

Miss Manners hopes you are not among those who blithely prattle about others "achieving closure," and who are under the assumption that one forgets such tragedy in time.

The simple statement you suggest would be better written than spoken. It is more convincing that you were thinking of this gentleman if you do not seem to require his presence to jog your memory.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like your input regarding the response to the RSVP -- from my sister who is my child's godparent -- to for graduation from eighth grade at the Catholic school she's been attending for the last nine years.

The response was "We'll have to wait and let you know that day how we're feeling, if we can come or not" and then she listed their family responsibilities.

How is one to take that sort of RSVP? How is one to prepare for reservations and a reception?

Most importantly, what does one tell the graduate -- "I don't know, honey, if your cousins and godparents are coming. We'll have to wait and see. I know you've worked hard for this graduation but apparently their life is too busy to squeeze us in or to make sure they will be there."

What has become of this world that adults and special relatives can't make a child's special day of graduation an important priority? You would have thought I had invited them to a non-important event in this child's life.

GENTLE READER: For a less important event, that reply still would have been rude. Every invitation, however casual, requires a definitive and rapid response.

However, even rudeness does not justify a rude reply. What you should say to your sister is, "I have to plan ahead, so I'll take this as a 'no.' Angelica will miss you."

Miss Manners trusts that she does not have to tell you not to add bitterness to Angelica's disappointment in order to punish your sister. If you are asked why the godparents will not attend, you should refer her to them.

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