DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son got married two years ago, and please keep in mind that my daughter-in-law and I have never had a falling out. We've stayed at their house overnight and were treated wonderfully. We get along fine because I do not want to be a meddling mother-in-law.

However, I've got some situations that I do not know how to handle.

1-First, tell me, am I wrong for believing that the bride should acknowledge her groom's side of the family with a thank you note for gifts, rather than making the groom write the thank you? The way they handled it, she wrote the thank-yous to her side of the family and my son wrote the notes to his side. Is this the acceptable way now?

2-Does that also hold true like on Mother's Day? Only my son acknowledges me on Mother's Day with a phone call, but the both of them acknowledge her mother and both her grandmothers each year by taking them out to brunch or hosting a brunch at their home. Even though we live in another state, I felt slighted again this year on Mother's Day when all I received was a phone call from my son, no card, nothing. I was brought up to respect both our mothers on Mother's Day with at least a card, and it was always the wife's duty to keep the list and remember to buy the cards or whatever.

3-Would I be out of line by sending a thank-you note to my son thanking him for the phone call? I love my son dearly, and it's not that I expect a gift, but I don't think it's very nice to call me up and tell me what they are doing for the other mothers and all I get is a "Happy Mother's Day."

4-I really need some answers because I feel that when they start having a family, I will be slighted again where the children are concerned.

GENTLE READER: Unless you heed Miss Manners' advice, you will indeed receive more slights. That is because you are manufacturing them yourself, and she is advising you to stop.

The premise on which you base your grievances -- that a wife assumes all social duties because the husband is the sole wage-earner -- has long been defunct. Couples sensibly decide for themselves who does what, and dividing correspondence by family is both common and sensible. You wouldn't care to have Mother's Day acknowledged by a card from your daughter-in-law and ignored by your son.

So if you expect more than a telephone call, you should deal with him. And not by a thank you letter if you intend that as a reprimand.

Try saying "Your Mother's Day excursions sound so delightful that I'd love to join you some time. Would it be convenient for me to visit at that time? Or if it turns out that I'm not able to, I'll settle for a card."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were recently in an automobile accident. How should I answer when people ask, "Who was at fault?" I feel it is none of their business.

GENTLE READER: And yet Miss Manners warns you that telling them so would not only be rude, but would convince them that you are unrepentant reckless drivers.

You might say, "Oh, we're not going to dwell on that. We are not litigious people." This would be equally true if you do not intend suing others and if you hope they do not intend suing you.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a university student living in a semi-detached house with several other students. The couple living in the other half of the house have two small children, who they allow to play on our driveway and lawn constantly (which isn't a big deal).

However, their 6-year-old has developed a habit of coming up to our front door (which is glass and looks directly into our living room) and asking us to play with her. Yesterday, she went so far as to open it, stick her head into our house, and ask me what I was doing. She did this several times within an hour.

The parents are aware of their daughter's behavior and seem to be under the impression that since we're students, this is somehow appropriate. Clearly, the little girl means no harm, but it would be nice to be able to sit in our living room after she comes home from school without being interrupted several times.

I know that correcting the manners of others is rude, but how can we handle the situation in a way that is polite and kind to the little girl but that might discourage this behavior?

GENTLE READER: A little girl of Miss Manners' acquaintance, who actually lived in university quarters -- her parents were the resident faculty -- used to speak yearningly of the day she would have homework. It seemed an odd wish until one understood how she spent her afternoons.

Upon returning from kindergarten, she would approach whichever students were hanging around. As she was rather a pet of theirs, they would play with her for a short time. When they got bored, they would excuse themselves, each always saying, "I have to go do my homework."

So the little girl came to believe that homework was something even more entertaining than playing. Not a bad lesson.

You should tell your little neighbor (and you will have to do this more than once, so you should also tell her parents) that you like her very much, but you rarely have time to play because you all have a tremendous amount of homework. Because you have a glass door, you will also have to explain that sometimes homework requires talking things over or just thinking, and no, the football game in the background does not interfere with your concentration.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it not redundant to say "Please RSVP" since the French "please" is already extant in the acronym? Should not one just say "RSVP to (contact)"?

GENTLE READER: Yes, but considering how cavalierly (which is to say rudely) people treat invitations nowadays, Miss Manners can hardly blame the hosts for pleading. She would not be surprised to see them on their knees saying, "Pretty please."

You should know that there are people who claim not to understand the entire phrase. For clarity, and also for patriotic reasons, Miss Manners prefers using "Please respond to..." or, in the case of formal invitations, "The favor of a reply is requested."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dear fiancee and I have known each other for more than 10 years, and she knows well how dearly I care for her. I tell her each day, in every way I can imagine.

When we are to wed, I anticipate feeling very awkward at the idea of using someone else's words to explain my affection for her. On top of that, since the idea behind a wedding is to declare our love for one another in front of the community, I almost feel like my words would be more properly addressed to our assembled friends and family. I do not anticipate telling my bride anything she has not already heard ad infinitum.

In fact, I have always been hesitant at performing rituals, because I prefer to use my own words to express my feelings (and in particular, on a day when my feelings are part of the basis for the gathering).

However, I have come to appreciate the need for ritual and regularity. For these reasons, I fear that I will be seen as a boor by our guests if I turn away from our officiant and start jabbering on to the congregation about my sweet bride.

I am struggling between my desire for self-expression and functionality on the one hand and manners and tradition on the other.

GENTLE READER: The guests also already know that you are in love. They were invited to a wedding, remember?

And won't they be surprised when they find that you don't understand what a wedding ceremony is?

The purpose is not to declare your love in public. You are welcome to shout it from the rooftops any time you want, presuming you do not violate local noise ordinances.

A wedding ceremony is the ritualistic public recognition of entering a marriage contract that meets legal requirements and, optionally, religious ones.

This is why Miss Manners opposes total rewrites (as opposed to editing that may be necessary to fit the particular case) of rituals. That and the fact that self-written vows tend to be frightfully icky to hear -- along the lines of what you have in mind.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A year and a half ago, my wife asked me if a friend could move in with us until he got on his feet. He is still here. He pays my wife rent and helps out around the house, but it is definitely time he moved out.

My wife asked me to tell him and not to mention that she said told me to do it. I feel that since it's her friend and he's paying her, she should. Who should handle it and how should it be handled so no one has hurt feelings? He really is a nice guy.

GENTLE READER-- All right, then, if neither of you has nerve, do it jointly. Miss Manners thinks that better, anyway. You don't want your guest to think that one of you has been complaining of him to the other.

You begin by saying warmly, "It's been wonderful having you here. You really are the ideal guest." Then you add pleasantly, "But of course none of us wanted this to be a permanent arrangement." (Pause, to give him a chance to say, "No, of course not.")

Whether he does or not, you may then resume by saying, "Let us know when you find something you like."

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