DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dear fiancee and I have known each other for more than 10 years, and she knows well how dearly I care for her. I tell her each day, in every way I can imagine.

When we are to wed, I anticipate feeling very awkward at the idea of using someone else's words to explain my affection for her. On top of that, since the idea behind a wedding is to declare our love for one another in front of the community, I almost feel like my words would be more properly addressed to our assembled friends and family. I do not anticipate telling my bride anything she has not already heard ad infinitum.

In fact, I have always been hesitant at performing rituals, because I prefer to use my own words to express my feelings (and in particular, on a day when my feelings are part of the basis for the gathering).

However, I have come to appreciate the need for ritual and regularity. For these reasons, I fear that I will be seen as a boor by our guests if I turn away from our officiant and start jabbering on to the congregation about my sweet bride.

I am struggling between my desire for self-expression and functionality on the one hand and manners and tradition on the other.

GENTLE READER: The guests also already know that you are in love. They were invited to a wedding, remember?

And won't they be surprised when they find that you don't understand what a wedding ceremony is?

The purpose is not to declare your love in public. You are welcome to shout it from the rooftops any time you want, presuming you do not violate local noise ordinances.

A wedding ceremony is the ritualistic public recognition of entering a marriage contract that meets legal requirements and, optionally, religious ones.

This is why Miss Manners opposes total rewrites (as opposed to editing that may be necessary to fit the particular case) of rituals. That and the fact that self-written vows tend to be frightfully icky to hear -- along the lines of what you have in mind.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A year and a half ago, my wife asked me if a friend could move in with us until he got on his feet. He is still here. He pays my wife rent and helps out around the house, but it is definitely time he moved out.

My wife asked me to tell him and not to mention that she said told me to do it. I feel that since it's her friend and he's paying her, she should. Who should handle it and how should it be handled so no one has hurt feelings? He really is a nice guy.

GENTLE READER-- All right, then, if neither of you has nerve, do it jointly. Miss Manners thinks that better, anyway. You don't want your guest to think that one of you has been complaining of him to the other.

You begin by saying warmly, "It's been wonderful having you here. You really are the ideal guest." Then you add pleasantly, "But of course none of us wanted this to be a permanent arrangement." (Pause, to give him a chance to say, "No, of course not.")

Whether he does or not, you may then resume by saying, "Let us know when you find something you like."

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an atheist, and this is occasionally the source of mild social awkwardness. Normally, of course, I do not broadcast my beliefs without solicitation, but occasionally I am asked where I go to church or invited to attend a service at another's church.

I work with a number of civic organizations, including places of worship, so this sort of question or request is usually well-intentioned chitchat from someone with whom I am working on a project.

Somehow, the simple and direct, "I choose not to worship a deity," seems as inappropriate for casual conversation as questions about one's religious beliefs. I would greatly appreciate a simple and direct way to decline such an invitation and nip such questioning in the bud. Occasionally, the question comes as a part of direct proselytizing, which I hope requires no more politeness than a sales solicitation.

The second area is how to respond when passing comments are made that imply a belief in a god, as if one were discussing the weather, such as "He's in a better place now," "The Lord works in mysterious ways," or, "I know Jesus will take care of this for me."

I know the speaker is expecting a smile and a nod, but if I consider these beliefs untrue, offensive, or ridiculous, how can I respond in a simple way that does not sound strident, open me up to being evangelized or invite the beginning of a theological debate?

Another area of consternation is in expressions of sympathy. Can you recommend a standard replacement of, "He/She is in my prayers," for people who do not pray?

GENTLE READER: Please keep in mind that the idea here would not be to declare your own convictions, a habit you find objectionable in others, but to deflect the topic without seeming to acquiesce.

Miss Manners suggests separating the proselytizers from those who may be merely repeating figures of speech. Not everyone who says "Bless you" when you sneeze or even "The Lord works in mysterious ways" is voicing a theological conviction.

In any case, the comments of the second group should be treated as if they were good wishes. Similarly, the inquiry about where you go to church should be treated as a casual social question.

"I choose not to worship a deity" is indeed pompous, and also challenging. You need only say casually, "I'm not a church-goer." Only if this leads to argument need you say -- because you must also be polite to proselytizers -- "It's not something I discuss."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it impolite to deliver one's wedding invitations to family friends in person? The delivery would take place privately, so as not to offend people who are not on the guest list.

GENTLE READER: Time was when sending an invitation by post was off-putting. But that was when private footmen were employed to deliver them. And in circles who could afford to employ them.

At any rate, hand delivery should be considered flattering, rather than offensive, provided you are not talking about wholesale distribution of them at the office. Whether your friends will understand this, Miss Manners cannot say.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I seem to remember, from way back, that eating by candlelight was restricted to evening dining and not "proper" during daylight hours.

Is this the current practice? With daylight saving time, it is not truly dark until well after 8 p.m., so even dinnertime could be affected.

There are so many lovely candleholders and countless shades of candles to complement a centerpiece, I would hope that luncheon (and early dinner hour) candlelight is now acceptable.

GENTLE READER-- You weren't around when these rules were formed, were you?

Before gaslight and electricity (my, what will they think of next?), candles were the source of light during darkness, and, incidentally, a major household expense. Hence, lighting candles during daylight was classified as showing off.

But you asked about current practice, nowadays, when even Miss Manners uses electricity. (She finds it a great improvement when conducting her daily search for her glasses).

Alas, the rule is still on the books. The only update was made to ban the showing off the candlesticks, instead of the candles.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I had always planned to take another 10-day cruise to Bermuda on our 10th anniversary. Due to the negative economic conditions around us, as well as our near-future financial stability, we will not be able to do this.

I thought of another idea but have conflicting feedback from others. I was told that it is inappropriate to host your own anniversary party and that "your" children usually do this. Well, we have no children, nor can we.

My thought was that the majority of our age group has not stayed married to the same person for more than 10 years. This makes this event even more important to me and thought it was a great idea to throw a party inviting our friends and family to our home for an afternoon of fun to celebrate a milestone that is so important to us.

Everyone has been so stressed and this is a way to bring happiness to us, as well as people close to us. I was going to ask family to bring a prepared dish and we would supply the rest. I want to have toasts for those who have passed milestones such as 10, 15, 20 years of marriage.

GENTLE READER-- Congratulations. Sure, throw a party, although if you are truly hosting, you don't ask guests to bring food. You might also consider not asking people who tell you that you cannot celebrate unless you have children and, furthermore, children under 10 who know how to throw parties.

Reciprocal toasting of your friends is a gracious idea. Maybe. What worries Miss Manners is that you seem to characterize marriage as a sport and want to laud the champions. Is there no one among your prospective guests who had a bad marriage, or no marriage? Should they just stand around while you call out the winning statistics?

If there is a couple with an anniversary date close to yours, or someone with a birthday around then, you could single such people out with a toast. Otherwise, it would be more graceful to offer a blanket toast to all your guests, saying how lucky you are to have good friends, wishing them happiness.

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