DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am invited to a baby shower, or so I thought!

The expectant mommy and grandmother live in another part of the state. I was so excited to have a chance/good excuse to travel there for a visit, not particularly to stay with either of them.

However, as I read the somewhat interesting invitation, I found that neither I nor anyone else "invited" were actually supposed to ATTEND! The invitation said something to the effect of, "Since you all live there and we live here, just send the gifts and we'll have a private surprise baby shower," i.e., send gifts to Grandma's house; she will then take cake, etc., and go to Mommy's house with gifts. As each gift is opened, a picture will be taken and forwarded to each person who gave gift. This is the extent of the "shower"!

I couldn't believe I was reading correctly, so I read the "invite" three times! I've NEVER heard of such a thing, have you?

GENTLE READER: Unfortunately, yes. This is the next logical step for those who already require guests to bring the refreshments, donate game prizes to the guest of honor and address their own thank you letters.

They have finally realized that the guest is a mere nuisance, interfering with the business of the shower, which is apparently not to celebrate the coming event with friends but to extract free dry goods from them. Why anyone whose company is not wanted would comply with this, Miss Manners cannot imagine.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was wondering, when you end a romantic relationship, do you return the gifts that your partner gave to you?

GENTLE READER: The jewelry and the car should go back. You can keep the stuffed animals, but Miss Manners would think it far more satisfying to return them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I realize that your column is geared to highly paid professionals rather than people who work hard for a relatively low wage.

I am a teetotaler, and my daughter is in love with a nice boy whose family tends to drink to excess. Should this relationship progress to the altar, the reception would be modest and a cash bar would be the most tactful way of discouraging the amount of drinking that can ruin a special day. The only thing that would make me happier is a dry reception.

GENTLE READER: You do not need to serve liquor, and you do not need to offer an excuse for not doing so.

But you also do not need to hurt Miss Manners' feelings by saying that she sacrifices honest working people to cater to -- she gathers from the way you put it -- people who are working less hard for more money. Good manners are available to all for free. And as far as Miss Manners can tell, those interested in practicing them are randomly distributed up and down the economic scale.

She must tell you that there is nothing "tactful" about a cash bar at a wedding, or any private social event. It would be especially mean to invite out any hard-working, low-paid, non-alcoholic friends you may have and then charge them for any refreshments you have available.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several years ago, I volunteered at an elementary school and became friendly with a mother and son who both taught there. My health has since deteriorated to the point where I am in a wheelchair. I left my volunteer job and the mother and son moved on.

In the eight years since we worked together, the mother has sent me jokes and prayers thru email, but seldom a personal message. I have not heard from the son in at least four years. Nothing at all until I received his wedding invitation.

I sent my regrets, and a note saying I would send a gift when I was out of the hospital. That day, I was cleared for surgery, and I spent three days in a hospital and four weeks in a rehab facility.

While I was unable to get my email, the mother of the groom sent me four emails reminding me to send her son "something to honor his special day." I then received a group email with a few wedding pictures, so everyone she sent it to was able to read her message that I could finally get her son a gift, and how was surgery? I could also see that she had abased another recipient.

I finally wrote her that I'd had enough. They claim to be devout Christians, yet they are hounding me for a gift. I explained that being in a wheelchair, it is difficult to get out, and I was sorry I didn't go shopping.

Then her son took over. He ignored my physical limitations and went on and on about how he gave me two months and I should have had plenty of time to buy him something. I have not heard from the man in four years, and then I receive an invitation to his wedding. Do I owe him a gift?

GENTLE READER: As a symbol of your affectionate relationship? The next step in such a campaign is to threaten to break your knees. When this happens, Miss Manners recommends involving the police. In the meantime, she suggests blocking or deleting their email.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In listing the obligations of a good houseguest, you mentioned using one's own telephone. I am old enough to remember the days when long-distance calls were paid by the minute, and a guest would place a call, keep track of its duration, and attempt to reimburse the host for it. This is certainly one incidence in which the invention of the mobile phone has been a good thing.

However, I'm curious: Why is telephone usage the only expense thus singled out? The guest eats and drinks, uses electricity, hot water and laundry supplies, soap and other consumables. Is there a reason that phone use is not part of the hosting package? I accept the rule but would love to know the rationale.

GENTLE READER: When the guest eats and drinks, the hosts can eat and drink. When the electricity is on, it shines on the guest and host alike. With any luck, they can both take showers at the same time, although Miss Manners knows about the problems in old houses.

However, when the guest uses the telephone or, for that matter, the host's computer, the host is cut off from sending and receiving communications. Therefore, the considerate guest brings his own devices or asks permission to use the host's and minimizes usage.

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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My younger sister and I have a close relationship, so when she told me that she was interested in someone, I was happy to hear the details of the blossoming of a new relationship. Sadly, both her and my classes will keep her from introducing him to me for a few months at least.

Facebook, however, makes the world a little bit flatter: Since her relationship has been posted, with a click of a button I can send him a message.

Is this a good thing to do, or will an email introducing an older sister (who is hoping for a response in kind) be inappropriate?

My sister will almost certainly not mind this; and furthermore, I trust my sister's judgment on matters of the heart. This is not an attempt to give or withhold my seal of approval: I'm driven by an interest to meet the person who my sister is so fond of.

However, I don't want to send anyone into a state of panic or to give a bad first impression. What should I do, introduce myself by email or wait a few months until I can be introduced in person?

It seems that you often come down slightly negatively on the topic of social networking. But while these can cause problems, especially if people don't use it intelligently (setting security levels to keep what needs to be private sequestered away, and being respectful of other people's personal space), there are wonderful benefits to be had.

Personally, I feel that it's very nice to be informed of details of the lives of those living far away: I love to see friends and family's posts of their more random thoughts and actions during the day. These are the things that distance would deprive you of otherwise, and while they are nice to know, these small things are not the stuff that good conversations are made of. It's also nice to be able to inform those with whom one is not close enough to talk on a weekly basis, but who nevertheless take interest in your life, of some of the larger events: such as new relationships that, while public, are not yet cause enough to call everyone one knows about.

As a side note: It is also a nice, not particularly harmful way for one to broadcast to those who would be suitors that they are not single. While networking certainly should not be used as a substitution for meeting in person or a phone call, many of these things really enrich the lives of users.

GENTLE READER: What do you mean, your sister would "almost certainly not mind" your jumping into her courtship? Couldn't you use one of those substitute methods of communication to ask her?

It strikes Miss Manners that the issue here is not networking, but meeting the family. The timing of that tends to be delicate, and surely the person most concerned should have some say in that. Would you, for example, consider it desirable for your parents to introduce themselves to your sister's beau -- whether through Facebook, or by calling him, texting him, or tracing him down and knocking on his door -- without asking her?

Do we really want the world to become flatter like that?

As for your side note -- Miss Manners is fervently hoping that this is a mere theoretical example, and that your sister is single.

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